Well, I did it. This morning I left for work without breastfeeding Handsome first. I don't have much of a supply left and I didn't want him to end up waking up and DH having to deal with him. So I left. I didn't get to see my baby before I went to work. I swear it was so difficult to leave the house this morning. I know he's basically done and it's just me holding on. Even though he still feeds right before bed and in the morning, he doesn't feed for very long and doesn't seem to get hardly anything. I think he's just placating me to still feed anyway.
I'll feed him tonight and this weekend in the morning as well. I'm not completely done. I don't want to take it away if he still wants it. I kinda feel like feeding this sporadically will mean my supply is done. We are almost at 15 months. It's not the 24 that I was shooting for, but it's more than 12 or 6 or... well, you get the point. At least we made it this far.
DH said the other day that I wasn't trying. He thinks that since I stopped pumping at work I gave up before Handsome was ready. You don't know how bad this makes me feel. I stopped pumping mostly because I was only getting an ounce for the entire day I was at work. I figured after going over a year my supply should be established enough. Plus you would not believe how much easier my job became when I had that extra uninterrupted time. That pumping was killing my production at work. And since my job is our only income it's kinda important. I know, that's an excuse, but it's a good one right?
What makes me feel the worst is that I feel like I didn't do as good as everyone else in my family and DH's family. My mother said she stopped breastfeeding me just after a year because I just lost interest. My brother though breastfed until he was near 3 years old. And of course all of DH's family breastfeeds. They don't have a choice - they can't pay for formula. They breastfeed until around 3 years as well.
And then there's me. I couldn't even make it to a year and a half. My excuse is always that I have to work. I would REALLY like to stay at home with Handsome, but if I quit work and DH worked, we would be destined to always be completely poor. We couldn't afford to see my family and could never afford to see DHs family. If we can make it until Jan 2010 we should be on a better track. DH should have his RN, Handsome will be 2 1/2, and I might be able to switch to part time or working from home. After he is established - he wants to continue all the way to bachelor's and master's but that will be while he is working - then I may decide at that point that we can move somewhere where we can live off of his salary alone. We will still be poor, but much better than what it would be if he just got a job now without a degree.
Why does life have to be so hard??
1 comment:
I'm sorry you are having a rough time with the weaning. And everyone else needs to just shut up. You have done wonderfully making it this long, you have much to be proud of. And I've done the pumping at work thing, and it isn't easy, and it just gets to a point where it isn't worth it to pump anymore. Handsome is and will be fine. I know how hard it is to not make it to your goal, but you aren't the only one in this. If he's not that interested you can't make him nurse. Anyone that says or thinks that you aren't trying hard enough or you aren't giving enough for your family can shove it IMO.
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