To bed without nursing

Well, I finally did it. I put Handsome to bed without nursing him last night. Talk about ripping your heart out. It's like finally cutting the cord. I wasn't ready, but I know Handsome was. My milk was there and he just didn't want it. I supposed every step is going to hurt this much. Each time he grows up and takes another step towards independence it's going to tug at my heart.

I can't promise I won't have a relapse tonight and try to nurse him again, but the one night is a step in the right direction. Actually, I won't try again. My milk really should be gone by now.

Yesterday, August 10, 2008 was the last day of nursing for Handsome and me.

All dried up

I tried to nurse Handsome the past couple nights. He latches on after I suggest, but he doesn't stay long. I don't think he gets any actual milk from me. He doesn't want it. A week or so ago after he let go I checked to see if I could get any milk out and I did. It was there. He just didn't want it.

Around midnight last night he started crying in his crib. He hasn't woken up in the middle of the night since he was around 12 months old. I haven't had to try to get him back to sleep without being able to just nurse him to sleep. Luckily he put himself back to sleep pretty quickly. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had to go into his room.

And from what I hear this is National Breastfeeding Week. What are the odds? The week that I really think we're done is the week that the world is celebrating breastfeeding. I'm celebrating with you - I promise. I think breastfeeding is beautiful. I'm just bitter because my journey didn't last as long as I had anticipated.

And sorry for my bitter week. AF started after 21 days. Seriously. I can't get a break.

Peeked through the door

This morning I left without breastfeeding again. This weekend I breastfed in the morning and before he went to bed, but I don't think he actually got anything either time. He's uninterested.

I did peek through his door this morning though. I wanted to see him before I left for work. He was sleeping very contently in his blue shark pajamas.

No more milk

Well, I did it. This morning I left for work without breastfeeding Handsome first. I don't have much of a supply left and I didn't want him to end up waking up and DH having to deal with him. So I left. I didn't get to see my baby before I went to work. I swear it was so difficult to leave the house this morning. I know he's basically done and it's just me holding on. Even though he still feeds right before bed and in the morning, he doesn't feed for very long and doesn't seem to get hardly anything. I think he's just placating me to still feed anyway.

I'll feed him tonight and this weekend in the morning as well. I'm not completely done. I don't want to take it away if he still wants it. I kinda feel like feeding this sporadically will mean my supply is done. We are almost at 15 months. It's not the 24 that I was shooting for, but it's more than 12 or 6 or... well, you get the point. At least we made it this far.

DH said the other day that I wasn't trying. He thinks that since I stopped pumping at work I gave up before Handsome was ready. You don't know how bad this makes me feel. I stopped pumping mostly because I was only getting an ounce for the entire day I was at work. I figured after going over a year my supply should be established enough. Plus you would not believe how much easier my job became when I had that extra uninterrupted time. That pumping was killing my production at work. And since my job is our only income it's kinda important. I know, that's an excuse, but it's a good one right?

What makes me feel the worst is that I feel like I didn't do as good as everyone else in my family and DH's family. My mother said she stopped breastfeeding me just after a year because I just lost interest. My brother though breastfed until he was near 3 years old. And of course all of DH's family breastfeeds. They don't have a choice - they can't pay for formula. They breastfeed until around 3 years as well.

And then there's me. I couldn't even make it to a year and a half. My excuse is always that I have to work. I would REALLY like to stay at home with Handsome, but if I quit work and DH worked, we would be destined to always be completely poor. We couldn't afford to see my family and could never afford to see DHs family. If we can make it until Jan 2010 we should be on a better track. DH should have his RN, Handsome will be 2 1/2, and I might be able to switch to part time or working from home. After he is established - he wants to continue all the way to bachelor's and master's but that will be while he is working - then I may decide at that point that we can move somewhere where we can live off of his salary alone. We will still be poor, but much better than what it would be if he just got a job now without a degree.

Why does life have to be so hard??

Lopsided

Handsome likes the left side. Only the left side. He'll either turn his head away or bite the right side.

So now I'm lopsided. DH told me.

Great.

Perhaps I should revisit this weaning thing.

The last didn't last

Ok, so I know I said yesterday would be the last time that I woke Handsome up to nurse. Well, this morning by the time I got up and ready to go for work, DH had to be awake to wait for the washing machine repair man to come. So I thought, well if he has to be up anyway, I can just go nurse Handsome really quickly and if he cries or won't go back to sleep, DH is awake. Plus he may have to start waking up early to go to daycare anyway.

So yes, I nursed Handsome this morning. He nursed just fine and went right back to sleep. And now I don't know what to do. If he is going to continue to go to sleep easily again, should I continue nursing? Was the past week or so just a phase and he really isn't done with nursing? Maybe he heard me saying I was stopping because he was crying so he stopped crying? Is he old enough to do things like that? Is it bad to keep waking him up now that he's 14 months old? Is it more healthy to let him sleep without a single interruption or more healthy to be up for 10 min and get breastmilk? Why can't parenting decisions be easy and straightforward?

The last morning

This morning was the last morning of waking Handsome up to feed him. :( I'm sad. I know tomorrow morning will be worse. With nursnig him every morning I was able to see him before I went to work. Now I won't see him until I get home at night. I will have to go almost 24 hours without seeing my son. I get home from work around 7pm and his bedtime is 8pm. I see my son for an hour on weekdays. Why do I feel like this is some sort of divorce settlement?

And then DH applied for an overnight stocking job last night. The hours are around 10pm till 7am. That means I would see him for three hours a day total. I hate the financial situation we are in right now.

So now there is the dilemna. Is it better to see my family for three hours a day total and get that extra income where DH would be tired all day, but still with Handsome, or is it better to send Handsome to daycare and get to see both of them on the commute to work everyday and get to sleep with my Husband at night? I need to break down and send Handsome to daycare. DH is gonna be too sleepy to do any sort of good during the day if he works all night long.

The priest said Sunday at mass that we aren't supposed to ask God to fix the problems, we are only supposed to ask Him to walk with us and be with us during the rough times. So, Jesus hold my hand, and I'll hold my tongue.

Nearing the end

The end of the breastfeeding is nearing. For the past few weeks I've only been feeding him in the morning and right before he goes to bed at night. All other times he refuses. Well the past couple mornings when I go to feed him before work he'll start to cry when we finish and I put him down in his crib. I don't think it has to do with the breastfeeding, but it makes DH have to wake up to get him a bottle to get him to sleep again. I don't want that to become a habit, so we're stopping breastfeeding. I think at this point he's mostly just humoring me anyway. I'm going to feed him again tomorrow morning so that I can say we made it until 14 months, and then we're done. I'll still breastfeed him before bed until he decides he's done or my supply completely dries out, but I don't think that will last long. My supply was never past exactly what was demanded so if he is only feeding once a day, I think I'll dry up pretty quickly.

I'm glad we made it this far, but I am still disappointed since my goal was 2 years. We are 10 months shy of that goal. I think if I were a stay at home mom it probably would have lasted longer, but with having to pump at work and leave him for so many hours during the day, I just don't think it was in the cards for us.

And then about the crying when I put him in the crib. Handsome has never really cried when either DH or I put him in the crib. You can just lay him down and he'll watch you leave the room without any tears. He'll talk to himself for a while and then eventually fall asleep. Well, for the past week he has cried when I lay him down. I haven't done anything different. I don't go pick him up when he cries, and yet he cries. Screams, really. It only lasts for about 60 seconds (yes, I timed it), so we are talking one minute here, but still. Why is he screaming now?? I haven't changed anything that I'm doing! And DH can still put him down without Handsome screaming. Why is this? Does this have something to do with me working and DH staying home? Is he upset because he knows I won't be there when he wakes up? I don't like this new trend and I want my baby to go back to the easy bedtimes.

And this weekend's project was to put up the gate to the stairs. Handsome's new favorite thing to do is to climb the stairs. He'll get all the way to the top if you let him. So we tried to install the gate and find out that there is only drywall which won't support the gate. Then we drill boards into the wall to brace between the studs. Then we realize we put the boards in the wrong place. Then we realize they won't fit in the right place. And now we still have no gate and we're using the box from the gate to cover the bottom of the stairs.

And now I have to go work.

Mom vs. Cow

I don't really have the time to do this entry justice, but I did want to be able to write a little bit.

Handsome is beginning to wean himself. I tried to breastfeed him when I came home from work about a week ago, and he refused to even latch on. It made me very sad. Now we are down to feeding only right before he goes to bed and right when he wakes up in the morning. But now that we have cut down the frequency of feeding, my supply is dwindling as well.

I've stopped pumping at work as well. I know this is helping my supply dwindle, but as it was I was only getting half an ounce for about 15 minutes of pumping. Maybe my body just knew it was time to be done. I don't know. I do know that I like the extra time that I get at work now. I like that I don't have to stop in the middle of a case or ask someone to leave my office so that I can pump.

Last night Handsome woke up around 11pm when the stupid alarm went off. I know I should stop turning it on since he is past the SIDS risk, but I'm kinda attached to it. The alarm went off because he was in the corner of the bed with his legs up on the padding of the side of the crib. So he woke up and started crying. A lot. He was not a happy camper. I held him for a while and nothing seemed to make him quiet. I even breast fed him and it didn't help. DH tried walking and calming him as well. He cried off and on for about an hour and a half. Finally DH gave him about 5 ounces of cow's milk and he went right to sleep. So my milk didn't work, but the cow's did. Yes, I'm being replaced by a cow.