The past few days

On Sunday I caught up on some of the household stuff I've been getting way behind on as a result of our crazy schedule. I did many loads of laundry, cleaned the backyard and brushed all the hair our dog is shedding off of him so that it doesn't end up on the carpet anymore. Handsome was kind enough to help me with everything.

In fact for the past few days both boys have been really attached to me. I'm assuming it's because I've had to work so much lately. Junior will cry if DH is holding him and stare me down no matter where I am in the room. He always wants to be near me. Daddy just isn't what he wants right now. I feel like I have about a two foot rope that is tied between my leg and Handsome's leg and as a result Handsome must ALWAYS be right under my feet. I can't even head to the ladies' room without both of them crying for me. I have to admit that I like being wanted/needed/loved so much. DH on the other hand is really getting his feelings hurt. I know this is only a phase and I do like to spread the love around, but I'll enjoy my snuggles and smiles while I can get them.

Anyway, back to Sunday. I gave Handsome a bath before his naptime because we were both all sorts of stinky from being out back. When he woke up from his nap, he felt warm. He had said his head hurt earlier in the day, but I attributed that to the eye issues that he as been having. We make him wear his eye patch and that forces his weak eye to work harder. I know I used to get headaches if I went between wearing glasses and not wearing glasses so I figured that is what happened. He has never complained of his head hurting before though. After his nap when he said his head hurt again, I decided to check his temperature. 102F He had a fever. Bummer. The only other fever he has ever had was during a bad cold he had when he was about eight months old.

I got him a wet rag for his forehead and we sat on the couch together as he just said he wanted to be held. We didn't have any children's tyelenol, but I didn't want to give it to him right away anyhow. He wasn't being lethargic and still wanted to go to the store, so it didn't seem to be bothering him too much. I know a fever helps kill the virus so I wanted to see how it would progress. If it got worse or if he still had it at bedtime, I would give him some tylenol. As it happened, by bedtime his fever had gone down to 99F and he didn't seem to notice it at all. What it did do was give us a peaceful bedtime which doesn't happen too frequently anymore.

Since he couldn't go to preschool the following morning, I decided to take him to get fitted for new glasses. He woke up fever free and we went to try on glasses. They had two varieties that I couldn't decide between: Miraflex and Flexon.

• Miraflex is plastic and virtually indestructable. It has no hinges and has a band that goes behind his head to make sure they stay on. I was afraid they would look like toy glasses and they would overwhelm his face. I was also afraid that his lashes would constantly hit the glasses. That used to happen to me as a kid and it drove me nuts.
• The Flexon glasses are metal frames that can be twisted and sat on and still return to the original shape. They look more like adult glasses and have a nose piece so that the glasses sit further from his eyes which means no lashes hitting the lens. I was afraid though that the nose piece would be a problem for if/when he falls. And the Flexon was about twice the price of the Miraflex.

I couldn't decide, so I called Mom to decide for me. LOL I'm weak, I admit. Anyway, she said to go for the Flexon because she is really concerned about the social aspect. She is afraid that the other kids would make fun of the other glasses and scar Handsome for life. So on that warning, I got the Flexon. I figure that since it is about to be winter, he will have less of an opportunity to be running around. And a few months from now, I may go ahead and buy the Miraflex as a backup and for the times that he wants to be more rough and tumble.

The glasses should be ready by Thursday and then will begin the adventure of making him wear his glasses full time. While I was buying the glasses I was talking to the woman who sells them - obviously. Anyway, she has been doing the same job for over 20 years. It was a family owned business. I told her about why Handsome needed glasses and she started telling me horror stories. Great, right? She told me about one little girl whose grandmother refused to patch her eye because the girl didn't like it and at 12 years old the girl lost sight in her weak eye. And then there is the story of a little boy whose parents didn't notice and so he didn't get treated. As a result he has a full blown lazy eye now. He can get glasses to help with his sight, but they are litearaly about an inch thick for that one eye and he still can't see clearly. Great. Now I'm worried that poor Handsome is going to end up blind in one eye.

Obviously since we were able to buy glasses on Monday morning, Handsome did not go to preschool. His random fever is completely gone now but he missed his class picture. :'( I was really looking forward to that. I emailed his teacher and she is going to get us a copy of it, but sadly Handsome won't be in the picture. DH took him to his school today to get his individual picture. We don't really need it since I take his picture obsessively, but I'm curious to see how he handles someone else taking his picture.

And now for Junior news.

On Saturday, Junior crawled to the coffee table and pulled himself up to standing so that he could grab something that was on the table. Oh yes, he pulled himself up. My five month old is pulling up to stand. I can't even believe it. My baby was supposed to stay a baby for a little while longer.

And for a little TMI - at least he'll think so when he is older and knows I blogged about it - he hasn't pooped in at least two weeks. The nurse said to give him a laxative. Eww. I went to buy some last night, but the container had already been opened. EWWWW. So we have to take it back. We're also going to buy some Mylicon to see if that helps because Ray massaged his belly yesterday and said Junior farted for about ten minutes straight after that. HAHAHA! I'm glad I wasn't there for that because man do his farts stink!

Junior is also blowing rasberries and saying "bababa" and chewing on his tongue. All very good signs that he is progressing like he should.

His six month appointment is next week.

And in me news.

I got everything done for work that I needed to! YAY!! Talk about a relief. Our house is so much less stresful now.

And in DH news.

He did not pass one of his exams and doesn't know how he did on the other, but he's not hopeful. I am so scared that he won't pass and get his nursing degree. He is so smart, but his school is so unhelpful. The one test that he didn't pass was because he could only miss one element and he missed three. One. And a passing grade on an exam is 78%. Please, Lord, let him pass. We have really struggled to get to this point.

And now that I have written a novel, I'm done. ;)

Back to the grind

Tomorrow I head back to work. I could have waited until Thursday, but I looked at our finances and I need as much of a paycheck as I can get. I shouldn't have taken off as much time as I did, but we were expecting DH to be able to work for half of the time that I was home. He got a temp job for two days and that's it. There were no positions open for him. That has really hurt our financial standing - not that it was so great to start out with.

When the economy crashed our house lost more than half of it's value. I'm not sure it will ever get back up to where it was before. Our original plan was to move in 2011 either to a bigger house around here (we have two bedrooms and now there are four of us) or to move back to TX. Now I'm not sure we will ever be able to move. Ever. The bank isn't going to eat a loss of more than 100k and we certainly don't have that in the bank to pay it off. And just to add a little salt, Ray's education is taking longer than we ever planned for, so our well will soon run dry. It is literally making me sick to think that I am stuck here forever. It makes me sick that tax dollars went to save banks and yet they will do NOTHING to help people in my situation.

I need to accept today for all the wonderful things it brings instead of focusing on the negatives. I try, but in the end I continue to focus on financial issues and weight issues and every little negative thing. I look to the future or to the past for the illusive perfect conditions. Prior to joining the Peace Corps, i would always focus on the future and what I needed to do to get there - where ever there was. As a result I paid little attention to the present time. While in the Peace Corps, I soaked in every moment. I loved it. I was happier than I had ever been. Even when I was crying in my living room eating raw noodles for lack of fire to cook with, I was truly living in the moment. And now? Now I either look back to my days in Ghana or I look forward to the days where we will be financially sound and I won't have to work. I can't change jobs because then I couldn't pay bills and we can't move somewhere where the bills would be less because we can't sell this house. Caught between a rock and a hard place as they would say. All the while my parents aren't getting any younger and I would really like to be able to move closer to them. I want my children to get to know their grandparents.

I want to live somewhere that feels like home. I don't know geographically where home is. It may be TX or it may be Ghana. It may even be the same town I'm in now, but in a different neighborhood. What I do know, is that this house that I live in now is not home. It was a stepping stone that ended up being a trap.

So back to the grind I go. I go to work while DH stays home with our children. I desperately want to stay home with the boys. DH desperately wants to get a job to support our family. We are both learning to live with what life has thrown at us. What matters is that we are together and we have two happy, healthy sons.

15 Months Old

Today Handsome is 15 months old. I can't believe how fast time flies after having a child.

He seems to be growing like he's making up for lost time. I bought a bunch of 12 month sleepers a few months ago and they were big on him. I thought they would last for a long time, but last night I could hardly get his arms in one of them. Hopefully the doctor will confirm he's finally back on the growth chart instead of way below 0%.

Handsome turning 15 months also marks an entire year that I've been back to work. It's been a year that I've had to leave my son and sit at my desk 40 hours a week. That part has not gone quickly. It felt like a year after the first day was over. I love every minute with my son and dread every minute apart.

This morning Handsome found the corner where the satellite cable comes in. He went over to play with it and I told him no. He quickly took his hand off and then looked back at me smiling. He tried again with the same result. Then he sat down facing me and playing with a nearby toy. When he thought I wasn't looking he started reaching his hand to his side and behind. I told him no before he got there and he again quickly took his hand away and was very surprised that I had caught him. He had been watching my face to see if I was looking at him. Of course I now have the eyes on the back and side of my head as mothers come complete with at the birth of their child. Of course he has to try again and as I see the arm going up to his side I tell him no (Really it's a sound more like "eh!") and of course now he thinks this is hilarious and intriguing. He tried a couple more times until he got bored of the game and found something else to do.

The last morning

This morning was the last morning of waking Handsome up to feed him. :( I'm sad. I know tomorrow morning will be worse. With nursnig him every morning I was able to see him before I went to work. Now I won't see him until I get home at night. I will have to go almost 24 hours without seeing my son. I get home from work around 7pm and his bedtime is 8pm. I see my son for an hour on weekdays. Why do I feel like this is some sort of divorce settlement?

And then DH applied for an overnight stocking job last night. The hours are around 10pm till 7am. That means I would see him for three hours a day total. I hate the financial situation we are in right now.

So now there is the dilemna. Is it better to see my family for three hours a day total and get that extra income where DH would be tired all day, but still with Handsome, or is it better to send Handsome to daycare and get to see both of them on the commute to work everyday and get to sleep with my Husband at night? I need to break down and send Handsome to daycare. DH is gonna be too sleepy to do any sort of good during the day if he works all night long.

The priest said Sunday at mass that we aren't supposed to ask God to fix the problems, we are only supposed to ask Him to walk with us and be with us during the rough times. So, Jesus hold my hand, and I'll hold my tongue.

Nearing the end

The end of the breastfeeding is nearing. For the past few weeks I've only been feeding him in the morning and right before he goes to bed at night. All other times he refuses. Well the past couple mornings when I go to feed him before work he'll start to cry when we finish and I put him down in his crib. I don't think it has to do with the breastfeeding, but it makes DH have to wake up to get him a bottle to get him to sleep again. I don't want that to become a habit, so we're stopping breastfeeding. I think at this point he's mostly just humoring me anyway. I'm going to feed him again tomorrow morning so that I can say we made it until 14 months, and then we're done. I'll still breastfeed him before bed until he decides he's done or my supply completely dries out, but I don't think that will last long. My supply was never past exactly what was demanded so if he is only feeding once a day, I think I'll dry up pretty quickly.

I'm glad we made it this far, but I am still disappointed since my goal was 2 years. We are 10 months shy of that goal. I think if I were a stay at home mom it probably would have lasted longer, but with having to pump at work and leave him for so many hours during the day, I just don't think it was in the cards for us.

And then about the crying when I put him in the crib. Handsome has never really cried when either DH or I put him in the crib. You can just lay him down and he'll watch you leave the room without any tears. He'll talk to himself for a while and then eventually fall asleep. Well, for the past week he has cried when I lay him down. I haven't done anything different. I don't go pick him up when he cries, and yet he cries. Screams, really. It only lasts for about 60 seconds (yes, I timed it), so we are talking one minute here, but still. Why is he screaming now?? I haven't changed anything that I'm doing! And DH can still put him down without Handsome screaming. Why is this? Does this have something to do with me working and DH staying home? Is he upset because he knows I won't be there when he wakes up? I don't like this new trend and I want my baby to go back to the easy bedtimes.

And this weekend's project was to put up the gate to the stairs. Handsome's new favorite thing to do is to climb the stairs. He'll get all the way to the top if you let him. So we tried to install the gate and find out that there is only drywall which won't support the gate. Then we drill boards into the wall to brace between the studs. Then we realize we put the boards in the wrong place. Then we realize they won't fit in the right place. And now we still have no gate and we're using the box from the gate to cover the bottom of the stairs.

And now I have to go work.

Breakdown has arrived

Well the stress of work and having sole responsibility for supporting my family has hit. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I have a constant headache and mounting pressure inside me.

I hate to cry. I avoid it at all costs. But Friday night I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was lying in bed and just started bawling. Like the kind where you can't control how loud you are because you just can't control the emotion. There was so much pressure in my head that I couldn't think straight. I was nauseous. I didn't want to think about all the stress but I couldn't avoid it. When I stood up I was dizzy and shaking.

I have let me go. Throughout high school I did my hair everyday and put on my makeup each morning. I ran at least three times a week and my honest-to-goodness favorite meal was a Caesar salad. I took care of my body. For the past three years I have worked out maybe 10 times. In college I continued to work out and eat well. I may not have taken the time to do my hair but I did wear makeup each day. The problem that I had during high school and college is that I always looked until tomorrow. I never enjoyed today. I always thought about how I could get to where I wanted to go and never considered that I was exactly where I wanted to be.

And then I went to Ghana. I couldn't wear makeup as culture didn't allow it. I couldn't fix my hair each day as I had no electricity and I was outside all day. For the first year I ran down my little dirt road with the village children. Hot season came so I stopped running, but I only ate one meal a day and there was no sugar available so I still lost weight and felt good. But the amazing part was that I lived for each day. I was mindful of what the next step was, but I focused on living each day. I was happy to be where I was in the time that I was there. There was no looking to the past or looking to the future where the "perfect" life must be. I was in the perfect life. I had bad days but I still never wished it were a different time.

Now, today, is the combination of everything bad that I've done in the past. I don't live for today. I wish for tomorrow. For a time where I can stay home with my baby and a time where I don't have to work in a job that brings me no satisfaction. The problem is that day may never come. I may have to work forever. And even if two years pass and I can finally stay at home, my baby is no longer a baby. I wished away all the time where he is a baby and learning to walk and learning to talk. I was so focused on reaching that goal in two years that I failed to relish in the now.

And my body is being torn apart. I eat fast food everyday and I don't exercise. I am constantly stressed so my body does not respond well to anything. I rarely do my makeup and my hair is never done well. I am ashamed of my body and how I have taken care of it. My eyes are growing tired and lose focus and refuse contacts. I sit at a desk everyday staring at a computer screen wishing I were outside.

I watched a show on Oprah about how to get the best out of your job. The majority of women solved their problem by quitting and going to a different job. I don't have that option. I can't start a new job and ask for an extremely flexible schedule so that I can juggle child care and my husband's school schedule. The show that was supposed to solve all my problems just made them worse.

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I have the pressure of the world resting on my shoulders and I am going to fall at any moment. I am not this strong. Everyone thinks I should be able to handle this without problems. I think the same thing. Unfortunately my body disagrees.

My husband always jokes about me and Handsome moving to Ghana for a while. I usually laugh at him, but maybe we should go.

I feel trapped in a job that doesn't fit me.

I want to be happy with today.

The Big D

No I don't mean divorce. My marriage is good. I mean depression. I don't know why I'm so close, but I know I am. I wake up to my alarm in the morning, and I'm fully awake, but I just can't force myself to get up. If Handsome cries, it's easy to go get him. I love getting up for him. Not the getting up so much, but the 'for him' part.

When I have to get to work, I just can't force myself to get up and go. I hate work. I make excuses and mention all the things that I do like, but really, I'm not meant for it. At this point it's a matter of how long I can force myself to work there. Any other job won't give me the flexibility that I need in my work schedule right now nor the pay that I need. I need to be able to make it another three years. That can't be too long can it?

I hate it when I get this way. My life is near perfect. It's just that I want to be home instead of working and it is eating me up inside.

SAHM vs WOHM

Disclaimer: I'm probably going to make people angry with this post. Sorry.

It's the never ending battle: Stay At Home Moms vs. Working Moms

This battle makes me so angry. I understand why this battle is so emotional. This involves the raising of people's children. Everyone is trying to do their best and feels like they have weighed all the options and come to the best decision. When a mother is told they are doing the wrong thing and causing their child harm of course they are going to get irate! So why to mothers keep doing this to each other?!

I ask this question like I don't know the answer, but I know. I have my opinions too.

My heart's greatest desire is to stay at home with my son. I am working right now so that someday I will be able to.

But here's where my frustration enters the picture. Women who share my view that I should stay at home with my son are telling me that "if I really wanted to stay home" I would find a way. That I would make sacrifices to be able to stay at home. I get so angry when I hear comments like that. Not that I need to explain myself, but I am working full time right now to put my husband through school so that in three or four years I can stay home and he can go to work. My son stays at home with my husband in the interim.

The thing is, I don't want to have to explain myself. I shouldn't have to explain myself.

I hate when I see meetings that are for stay at home moms that discuss all the reasons that mothers need to stay at home. I understand stay at home moms get bombarded by comments saying that they don't need to stay at home and they need support within themselves, but really, do they really need meetings like that?

I also sympathize with the mothers that work. I believe that every woman is different. Some women aren't made to stay at home all day. Some women need to have the independence that a job gives. They need to challenges that only a job can provide and the social interaction. Some women aren't cut out for reading Goodnight Moon all day and night. And as the saying goes, if mom isn't happy, no one is happy.

I seriously need to find a group of mothers in my area to socialize with. I need to find mothers with children Handsome's age so that he can socialize and eventually learn to share. But I can't find a group. If I find a group of mothers that work all the time then they will be badmouthing the stay at home mothers. I want to be a stay at home mother, so they would in fact be insulting me and what I believe in. I can't hang out with the stay at home mothers because they would look down on me for going to work everyday. So where do I fit in? Is there such a thing as a group of women who don't badmouth the other group?

It's so frustrating.

Ice

You knew it was bound to happen. Last night Handsome slept through the night. Yay! My alarm went off this morning and I was actually refreshed because I got to sleep seven hours straight!

And THEN do you know what happened? There is freezing rain outside and my street is a thin layer of ice. Complete ice. I stepped out the door just to see what it was like and decided not to walk all the way to my car because I would slip and fall off the stairs on the way. My work is on unscheduled leave because of this. I don't really have the leave to use, but those roads are horrible. It's not like snow where there is a little bit of traction - it's complete ice.

So now that I'm well rested and ready to face a full day of work I am going to go back to bed and sleep again. I may work from home in a few hours. Hey, you can't waste sleep completely if the opportunity for it is given.

Golly Moses I need sleep.

This is me working. Really. I'm going to be in trouble at the end of this quarter as well, I can feel it. And then stupid me is going to actually get enough production in to get my promotion because I just can't pass up a promotion and then I'm going to be further in the hole because I will be required to get more production with my promotion. See the logic?

I REALLY want to be a stay at home mom. Sometimes it just eats me up inside. When I have to get up before the sun to go to work it just hurts inside. When Handsome wakes up in the middle of the night and I have to get my bohine out of bed to walk to his room, I'm tired and sometimes annoyed, but it's ok. I love him and if he needs me I'll be there. That's the job of a mom and I love that job.

It's just like being in the Peace Corps. It sucked to be away from my family for over two years. It was difficult as all get out (there's my southern coming out) to be surrounded by a completely different culture where I had to pee either in the bush or in a stinking hole. I had to trust a man I didn't know and who didn't speak my language to lead me through the bush in the middle of Africa through knee level waters and sand that I could swear was going to turn into quicksand, for over an hour to reach my little house that I couldn't even lock my bedroom door when I was inside. My house that was without communication to the outside world except my little radio that got BBC. Was it difficult? Yes, but I loved it. It was the type of challenge that I thrive on.

Being a mother seems to be the same. Yeah, it's difficult, but it's my kind of difficult. I love it.

My work on the other hand is different. It's not so much difficult. Being a mother is more difficult and being in the Peace Corps was much more challenging, but in the end work seems more difficult. It is redundant and boring. It seems inconsequential. I'm not learning and I'm not teaching. I'm just reading papers and writing papers about what some stranger is passionate about, but I could care less about. I work because I have to pay bills and that is about it. I should start a countdown to when DH will finish school and I can stay home when he goes to work or else find a job that is more interesting.

Anyway, enough complaining. Handsome is getting close to walking. I wrote this earlier and I'm too lazy to write something different now: Standing is a game for Handsome. He'll climb up to standing, look at you and then let go with both hands laugh and smile until he falls down. It looks like an adrenaline rush for him. Cute until he falls and hits his head on something. He has the little push and walk toy that he will walk with, and he will walk around the coffee table holding on. Usually he doesn't stand for very long, but sometimes he will be standing holding on to something and watching DH or I or perhaps the TV and he won't be paying attention. His habit is to stick his little thumb in his mouth so he will listen to us and put his thumb in his mouth not realizing that he is no longer holding on to anything. So long as no one draws attention to the fact that he is not holding on, he can stand there for quite a while.

We met a family from DHs tribe on Saturday. They are very nice people and made DH feel like he was at home again. They raised their children in the US and told us that they spoke their language until they went to school and found out that no one else around here speaks that language. They forgot the language shortly thereafter. BOO. I want Handsome to speak the language so that he can communicate with DH's family of which the majority does not speak English.

Ok. Working now.

Work?

Work? You want me to work today? Seriously?

I have three hours before I'm gone for vacation for a week and a half and I can't seem to get any work done. I desperately need to, but I just can't seem to do anything. I want to go on vacation NOW!!

I'm going to be so far behind when I return, but I am surprisingly unstressed about that right now.

I can't believe I work here...

My office has a newsletter that comes out every week. It is supposed to talk about the important things happening at the office and sometimes a little something "fun" is thrown in there. The quotes are to compensate for the fact that what some consider fun, others consider serious, and still others consider downright odd. So here's the article (edited to protect the "innocent"):

Mustache Wednesday Observed at Work

Two weeks ago, 38 employees, including women, proudly flaunted real or fake mustaches in observance of Mustache Wednesday at work. From stylishly groomed to eccentric mustaches, participating employees paraded their mustaches around campus.

The annual observance was started three years ago by clean shaven employee Doofus #1, Doofus #2, Doofus #3, and Doofus #4 from Area 51. Instead of shaving daily during the end of the fiscal year, the four bolstered their end of the year production by writing Office Actions.

Mustache Wednesday has grown from an idea shared between four friends to an annual campus-wide observance for employees focused on finishing the fiscal year with strong year-end results. Female Doofus, in 2006, was the first female employee to wear a fake mustache.

I can't even believe that I work in this office. The issue is that they are serious. They really buy into this. My office is promoting leaving your personal hygiene behind in favor of getting more work done. This really goes above and beyond. I don't even know what to say anymore. I am speechless.

Break Down

Well, I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when it was going to come. Yesterday it just hit.


Last week I got so frustrated at work that I was just cussing at everyone and everything. I couldn't find what I wanted to and I felt like the world had the odds stacked against me. I can't have the schedule that I can get things done with, I have a new boss that is obsessed with quality forgetting that we have limited time to do things, and I don't have the "pipeline" of work stored up so that I can get a few easy counts. That day I actually had a higher ranking employee do part of my job for me because I just couldn't find what I needed and he wouldn't take it as I had it. It was horrible and I felt horrible.


That night I decided that I was going to be ok and face the following day with resolve to do better and feel better. And I did. The next day was good. Mostly it was good because I didn't care anymore. I basically just gave up. Why stress about getting things done if it is impossible?


Then came yesterday morning. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to face the world. I just wanted to lay in bed and cry and sleep all day. My head was pounding and my stomach was threatening to explode. So I called in sick and went back to bed, hoping that when I woke up my head would calm down and my stomach would settle. Handsome woke me up at 9:30am and I went to feed him. I took him downstairs and ate breakfast while he played on the blanket. Two hours later when he was tired I put him down for a nap and went back to bed. I just wanted to cry. My head was filled with the pressure that only stress can cause and my stomach was no better. I slept until Handsome started crying again. DH met me in Handsome's room and actually told me to go back to sleep and he would take Handsome. So I slept for a couple more hours.


DH and I talked about what I could do to make things better. The problem is that there are so few things that can be done to fix this. Basically what I have resolved to do is suppress my perfectionist tendencies. I am given a limited time frame with which to get things done, so I REALLY can't afford to spend days working on things that I have only been given hours to complete.


I want to be a SAHM so much that it is eating me up inside. Why should I spend hours a day at work focusing on unimportant things, when my son is at home growing and changing every day? I understand that some women need to have their own lives away from their children and feel like they are providing for them. Currently I have no need for that. I want five years at home with my son and then as soon as he is in school I will happily return to work. Until then everyday I feel terrible that I can't stay at home with my Handsome.