Breakdown has arrived

Well the stress of work and having sole responsibility for supporting my family has hit. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I have a constant headache and mounting pressure inside me.

I hate to cry. I avoid it at all costs. But Friday night I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was lying in bed and just started bawling. Like the kind where you can't control how loud you are because you just can't control the emotion. There was so much pressure in my head that I couldn't think straight. I was nauseous. I didn't want to think about all the stress but I couldn't avoid it. When I stood up I was dizzy and shaking.

I have let me go. Throughout high school I did my hair everyday and put on my makeup each morning. I ran at least three times a week and my honest-to-goodness favorite meal was a Caesar salad. I took care of my body. For the past three years I have worked out maybe 10 times. In college I continued to work out and eat well. I may not have taken the time to do my hair but I did wear makeup each day. The problem that I had during high school and college is that I always looked until tomorrow. I never enjoyed today. I always thought about how I could get to where I wanted to go and never considered that I was exactly where I wanted to be.

And then I went to Ghana. I couldn't wear makeup as culture didn't allow it. I couldn't fix my hair each day as I had no electricity and I was outside all day. For the first year I ran down my little dirt road with the village children. Hot season came so I stopped running, but I only ate one meal a day and there was no sugar available so I still lost weight and felt good. But the amazing part was that I lived for each day. I was mindful of what the next step was, but I focused on living each day. I was happy to be where I was in the time that I was there. There was no looking to the past or looking to the future where the "perfect" life must be. I was in the perfect life. I had bad days but I still never wished it were a different time.

Now, today, is the combination of everything bad that I've done in the past. I don't live for today. I wish for tomorrow. For a time where I can stay home with my baby and a time where I don't have to work in a job that brings me no satisfaction. The problem is that day may never come. I may have to work forever. And even if two years pass and I can finally stay at home, my baby is no longer a baby. I wished away all the time where he is a baby and learning to walk and learning to talk. I was so focused on reaching that goal in two years that I failed to relish in the now.

And my body is being torn apart. I eat fast food everyday and I don't exercise. I am constantly stressed so my body does not respond well to anything. I rarely do my makeup and my hair is never done well. I am ashamed of my body and how I have taken care of it. My eyes are growing tired and lose focus and refuse contacts. I sit at a desk everyday staring at a computer screen wishing I were outside.

I watched a show on Oprah about how to get the best out of your job. The majority of women solved their problem by quitting and going to a different job. I don't have that option. I can't start a new job and ask for an extremely flexible schedule so that I can juggle child care and my husband's school schedule. The show that was supposed to solve all my problems just made them worse.

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I have the pressure of the world resting on my shoulders and I am going to fall at any moment. I am not this strong. Everyone thinks I should be able to handle this without problems. I think the same thing. Unfortunately my body disagrees.

My husband always jokes about me and Handsome moving to Ghana for a while. I usually laugh at him, but maybe we should go.

I feel trapped in a job that doesn't fit me.

I want to be happy with today.