My little ballerina.... err, ballerino?

I had to blog this so that I will remember to embarrass Handsome about this someday. He was running around the living room in circles with his hands above his head saying, "I'm a ballerina! I'm a ballerina!!" I had to ask him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe that was actually what he was saying. Granted he was about as ungraceful has he could be and laughing as he said it, but mark my words, I'll put him in ballet if he keeps talking about it.

To his credit, he changes daily what he says he is: cowboy, soccer player, football player, drummer, singer, fireman, policeman, dancer, doctor. My dad swears Handsome is going to be an actor someday. I can totally see that happening.

When I was little, I was shy. If my mother dared to ask me to take money to pay for something, I would cower behind her legs and proceed to cry if she pressed me. Handsome is completely the opposite. He will walk up to absolutely anyone. Not a shy bone in his body (unless tired, but those are special circumstances). He will purposefully do something he thinks is funny to get someone else's attention. At the grocery store, he will say hi to everyone that we pass. If they don't hear him or don't acknowledge him, he will repeat himself - just louder. It is definitely forcing me to talk to more complete strangers.

We had him in an ABC class while I was on maternity leave. It was one where either DH or I had to be there with him to help him. He was outgoing as long as he was sure I wasn't going to leave him. We just signed him up for swimming lessons where I think he has to be there without us. I'm hoping the fact that he gets to play in the water will make him forget that we aren't there with him. Then he is starting preschool this fall.

ok... both babies are awake now. must go.

Back to the grind

Tomorrow I head back to work. I could have waited until Thursday, but I looked at our finances and I need as much of a paycheck as I can get. I shouldn't have taken off as much time as I did, but we were expecting DH to be able to work for half of the time that I was home. He got a temp job for two days and that's it. There were no positions open for him. That has really hurt our financial standing - not that it was so great to start out with.

When the economy crashed our house lost more than half of it's value. I'm not sure it will ever get back up to where it was before. Our original plan was to move in 2011 either to a bigger house around here (we have two bedrooms and now there are four of us) or to move back to TX. Now I'm not sure we will ever be able to move. Ever. The bank isn't going to eat a loss of more than 100k and we certainly don't have that in the bank to pay it off. And just to add a little salt, Ray's education is taking longer than we ever planned for, so our well will soon run dry. It is literally making me sick to think that I am stuck here forever. It makes me sick that tax dollars went to save banks and yet they will do NOTHING to help people in my situation.

I need to accept today for all the wonderful things it brings instead of focusing on the negatives. I try, but in the end I continue to focus on financial issues and weight issues and every little negative thing. I look to the future or to the past for the illusive perfect conditions. Prior to joining the Peace Corps, i would always focus on the future and what I needed to do to get there - where ever there was. As a result I paid little attention to the present time. While in the Peace Corps, I soaked in every moment. I loved it. I was happier than I had ever been. Even when I was crying in my living room eating raw noodles for lack of fire to cook with, I was truly living in the moment. And now? Now I either look back to my days in Ghana or I look forward to the days where we will be financially sound and I won't have to work. I can't change jobs because then I couldn't pay bills and we can't move somewhere where the bills would be less because we can't sell this house. Caught between a rock and a hard place as they would say. All the while my parents aren't getting any younger and I would really like to be able to move closer to them. I want my children to get to know their grandparents.

I want to live somewhere that feels like home. I don't know geographically where home is. It may be TX or it may be Ghana. It may even be the same town I'm in now, but in a different neighborhood. What I do know, is that this house that I live in now is not home. It was a stepping stone that ended up being a trap.

So back to the grind I go. I go to work while DH stays home with our children. I desperately want to stay home with the boys. DH desperately wants to get a job to support our family. We are both learning to live with what life has thrown at us. What matters is that we are together and we have two happy, healthy sons.

Junior's Progress

Junior is doing well. He is talking more than Handsome ever did at this age. He is lifting his head, staying up for long stretches during the day and sleeping for longer stretches at night.

His excema that was cured is now coming back. Grr. I did put the mega lotion on it every day, but apparently that wasn't enough. Now I don't know if I need to lather on more lotion or put on the hydrocortisone to make the outbreak disappear. I should call the pediatrician tomorrow to find out what I need to do.

Junior is an intent stare-er - not sure if that is a word. The boy will stare you down. He will fuss until he has someone or something to stare at. The mobile that Handsome never cared about will keep Junior occupied for quite a while. It seems like he is studying you. He also smiles so easily. If he hears my voice, or DH's or Handsome's, he will smile and coo. His favorite place is to lay on the changing table. Yes, it's a bit weird, but it's just under the fan and in the middle of the room. He loves it.

At his 2 month appointment he was basically 50% for everything.

After weeks of going to the gym...

So after weeks of going to the gym I am at ... drumroll please... T-60 pounds. I have lost a grand total of 0 pounds. No joke. I am doing cardio for 30 min a day and I have lost no weight. So far it doesn't bother me, but I'm sure it will soon. Even though I haven't lost any weight, I do feel better. I can now get up and down much easier and I feel like I have more energy. For now, that's good enough for me. My vices are Coca cola and Oreos. I should give up both and I'm sure I will... eventually.

I had to buy new clothes today because I'm going back to work in two weeks and I don't fit in any of my clothes and naked isn't a good look for me.

You know what motivates me at the gym? When I see people that are further away from the ideal weight than I am or people that look like they would be less motivated than me. When I see them working their tails off. I see them and think if they can do this then I can do this. Today I saw an elderly couple that looked like they were in their upper seventies and they were lifting weights with a trainer. I also saw two women who were maybe twice my weight working their tails off - pun intended - to lose weight.

Someday I'll lose weight. Right?

Who am I?

So in all this baby making, I've neglected to take time for myself. With Handsome and now Junior demanding my time and my basic desire to spend time with them, and with my work and DH's school I didn't feel like I had time for myself. When my maternity leave finishes I still don't know if I'll be able to find that time. But I need to. I have to.

After two pregnancies I have an extra 60 pounds on my body that was already too big for my own good. My family has a history of high blood pressure, heart attacks, type 2 diabetes and I'm sure there is more that I just don't know about. I need to focus on me and get back in to a healthy body weight.

As an extra motivator I've noticed I don't get around as well as I used to. Prior to pregnancies I used to sit on the ground without using my hands to brace myself and get back up without using my hands. It's hard to explain in typing, but it just means I had good balance and strong leg muscles. I can't do either of those anymore. I think it is interfering with me being able to play with my children like I should.

I joined a gym last week. It's hard to go, but I feel so much better even from this short amount of time going. Not only do I get to work out my heart and my muscles, but I get time all alone. It is restful even though I'm working out like I haven't in years.

So here we are at T-60 pounds. I wonder if I can continue to work to lose the weight.