Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Snow!
It's snowing! I didn't get to be there when Handsome saw the snow this morning, but I was on the phone a little later. He kept walking to the window and laughing and pointing. He'd point, talk to the outside, then look up at DH, put his arms out to the side and say, "I no no!?" (Translated: I don't know!?). LOL!
I wish I could have been there.
I wish I could have been there.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Shoes
Handsome put his shoes on all by himself yesterday!! I wasn't actually there for it, but when I came home he had both shoes on the right feet and DH said he put them on all by himself.
My little boy is growing up. Sniff, sniff.
My little boy is growing up. Sniff, sniff.
Important Studies
DH is a nursing student. This semester they are studying pregnancy and childbirth, and care of mom and baby. Can I tell you how happy this makes me?!
When I was pregnant with Handsome most of the technical stuff that I came home telling him he would nod his head and pretend like he was listening, but really he didn't hear most of what I said. When I told him how big the baby was this month, or when the baby could hear inside me he acted like he was listening, but I knew he was just placating me. He didn't care so much. What mattered to him was that I was healthy and the baby was healthy. Because his intentions were good, I let it slide.
But now?? Now he HAS to know those things!! He asks me questions all the time from what he is reading and I look at him dumbfounded that he doesn't know. I told him that two years ago!! We even took a childbirth class which told the majority of what he is learning right now. I can't give him too hard a time though, because he realizes now that he missed his opportunity. And I'm likely to be better at helping him out this semester because I want to learn all that stuff.
Some of the information is too hard for me though. Last night we were learning about the FHR monitor and what the different decelerations mean. Some were just fine, and some meant the baby was in serious distress. They had sample tracings that he had to answer questions on to figure out if the baby was ok or not. I actually got teary eyed when we saw one with late decelerations. The poor baby was struggling. I wanted so bad to say, send that mother to get a c-section and save the baby! I know it was just a drawing, but wow. I always wanted to work with newborn babies in the hospital, but now I don't think I could. Not until my babies are MUCH older.
DH is going to face a major cultural problem this semester. Men in his culture are not supposed to hold babies before their umbilical cord falls off. He didn't hold Handsome until he was almost two weeks old. We specifically told the nurses not to hand Handsome to DH after I gave birth. My bf cut the cord, because DH wanted nothing to do with that. But now? Now he has to with his school. He'll be graded for it. I know he's struggling a little with that. He said when we returned to Ghana he would wash his hands with herbs so that would counteract the effect. This is some of the stuff that I just don't understand, but if it makes him feel better, then ok. And the actual reason for not being able to hold the baby, I don't remember. I think it had something to do with making his spirit weaker. No idea now. Maybe he'll let his female classmates deal with the baby and he'll take care of the mother. It'll be interesting to see what happens.
When I was pregnant with Handsome most of the technical stuff that I came home telling him he would nod his head and pretend like he was listening, but really he didn't hear most of what I said. When I told him how big the baby was this month, or when the baby could hear inside me he acted like he was listening, but I knew he was just placating me. He didn't care so much. What mattered to him was that I was healthy and the baby was healthy. Because his intentions were good, I let it slide.
But now?? Now he HAS to know those things!! He asks me questions all the time from what he is reading and I look at him dumbfounded that he doesn't know. I told him that two years ago!! We even took a childbirth class which told the majority of what he is learning right now. I can't give him too hard a time though, because he realizes now that he missed his opportunity. And I'm likely to be better at helping him out this semester because I want to learn all that stuff.
Some of the information is too hard for me though. Last night we were learning about the FHR monitor and what the different decelerations mean. Some were just fine, and some meant the baby was in serious distress. They had sample tracings that he had to answer questions on to figure out if the baby was ok or not. I actually got teary eyed when we saw one with late decelerations. The poor baby was struggling. I wanted so bad to say, send that mother to get a c-section and save the baby! I know it was just a drawing, but wow. I always wanted to work with newborn babies in the hospital, but now I don't think I could. Not until my babies are MUCH older.
DH is going to face a major cultural problem this semester. Men in his culture are not supposed to hold babies before their umbilical cord falls off. He didn't hold Handsome until he was almost two weeks old. We specifically told the nurses not to hand Handsome to DH after I gave birth. My bf cut the cord, because DH wanted nothing to do with that. But now? Now he has to with his school. He'll be graded for it. I know he's struggling a little with that. He said when we returned to Ghana he would wash his hands with herbs so that would counteract the effect. This is some of the stuff that I just don't understand, but if it makes him feel better, then ok. And the actual reason for not being able to hold the baby, I don't remember. I think it had something to do with making his spirit weaker. No idea now. Maybe he'll let his female classmates deal with the baby and he'll take care of the mother. It'll be interesting to see what happens.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Mommy, I peed on the potty!
Ok, Handsome didn't tell me he peed on the potty, he didn't know he had done anything and he barely speaks single words, much less actually sentences.
This weekend I bought a little potty for Handsome. I wanted him to get used to seeing it so that it wouldn't be something he was afraid of. He has been sitting on it and playing with it ever since. Even cries when I take him off his potty to get in the bathtub. I have told him that's his little potty and it is used for peeing and pooping, but who knows how much of that actually registers with him.
He often will pee right after I turn on the water to fill the bathtub or shortly after I put him in the bathtub. Well, last night I turned on the water and told Handsome that if he needed to pee he should sit on his potty. He laughed - which usually is his version of "yes" or "ok" - so I put him on the potty. He sat there - with his diaper still on - until I decided he was done brushing his teeth - yes, I know, normally gross, but he did still have his diaper on. When I took the toothbrush away and then went to take his diaper off, I noticed his diaper was still wet. He had peed on the potty!!! Again, completely a mistake, but I cheered him on and told him what he did anyway. I let him sit there for a while longer just in case there might be more to come. He cried when I took him off the potty to go into the bathtub, but there was no more pee pee in the potty.
His new thing? He seems to have picked up the Dagaare word for Poop - bin (pronounced bean). After he has a poopy diaper that has been changed he comes downstairs and points to his diaper while chanting "bin bin bin bin bin" and laughing as if telling the parent that stayed downstairs what the other parent just had to go through.
This weekend I bought a little potty for Handsome. I wanted him to get used to seeing it so that it wouldn't be something he was afraid of. He has been sitting on it and playing with it ever since. Even cries when I take him off his potty to get in the bathtub. I have told him that's his little potty and it is used for peeing and pooping, but who knows how much of that actually registers with him.
He often will pee right after I turn on the water to fill the bathtub or shortly after I put him in the bathtub. Well, last night I turned on the water and told Handsome that if he needed to pee he should sit on his potty. He laughed - which usually is his version of "yes" or "ok" - so I put him on the potty. He sat there - with his diaper still on - until I decided he was done brushing his teeth - yes, I know, normally gross, but he did still have his diaper on. When I took the toothbrush away and then went to take his diaper off, I noticed his diaper was still wet. He had peed on the potty!!! Again, completely a mistake, but I cheered him on and told him what he did anyway. I let him sit there for a while longer just in case there might be more to come. He cried when I took him off the potty to go into the bathtub, but there was no more pee pee in the potty.
His new thing? He seems to have picked up the Dagaare word for Poop - bin (pronounced bean). After he has a poopy diaper that has been changed he comes downstairs and points to his diaper while chanting "bin bin bin bin bin" and laughing as if telling the parent that stayed downstairs what the other parent just had to go through.
Mixed Heritage
President Barack Obama of the United States of America. Never thought I would hear such a phrase and it would be the truth. An exotic name for these parts and yet the people of America voted for him. A man whose father was African and whose mother is a white American. A man who grew up with little money and got scholarships to the good schools. A man who used his education to get him to the highest position in America.
Now when my son comes home from school complaining about his homework or crying because a white kid told him he was a "good-for-nothing n*****" I can tell him brush it off because he can do absolutely anything with his life when he is serious about his education. He now has an example of a person with mixed heritage that echoes his own, who has made it. Obama beat all odds to become elected to the presidency of the USA, and Handsome could do the same if he really wanted to. (Now, I DON'T want him to because I would be worried every day for the rest of my life, but if he really wanted to, he could.)
Now that the celebrations are over, poor President Obama will have the hardest job any president has had in recent memory. He walks into a mine field of problems with the economy, terrorism, and war, and yes, even racism. I can only pray that God will guide him to make the right decisions.
We did not go to the capital to watch the inauguration. It was hard to stay home because we are so close. On a normal day it would take us maybe 45 min to get there, but of course yesterday was no ordinary day. It would have taken f-o-r-e-v-e-r. The time it would have taken to get there plus the fact that Handsome is 20 months old, the temp was 25F, the windchill was 11F, and I was terrified of some attack all kept us home for the day. We watched everything from the comfort of our living room. Handsome knew that we were paying attention to something other than him so he was loud and climbing all over me so that he would get some of the attention. I kept telling him to watch, but of course he would have none of that. And would he crawl all over DH? Of course not. It was only Mom that he wanted. The only time he was quiet was at the end of the speeches when the crowd would clap. He would then look at the TV and clap and laugh right along with them as if he had been listening the whole time - or maybe it was because he thought it was finally over, who knows.
Oh, and one thing that I did not like? I didn't hear it when we were watching, but I heard it in the commentary afterwards. They said that the crowd boo'ed Bush when he was introduced. That makes me angry. Yes, be happy that a new president is coming, but do not disrespect the president that we have had for eight years. You can dislike his policies and even dislike the person if you like, but do not disrespect him. He was leaving office mere moments after his name was announced, why would you feel the need to treat him like that? There would be no good come out of that.
Dear Lord, please help our new president.
Now when my son comes home from school complaining about his homework or crying because a white kid told him he was a "good-for-nothing n*****" I can tell him brush it off because he can do absolutely anything with his life when he is serious about his education. He now has an example of a person with mixed heritage that echoes his own, who has made it. Obama beat all odds to become elected to the presidency of the USA, and Handsome could do the same if he really wanted to. (Now, I DON'T want him to because I would be worried every day for the rest of my life, but if he really wanted to, he could.)
Now that the celebrations are over, poor President Obama will have the hardest job any president has had in recent memory. He walks into a mine field of problems with the economy, terrorism, and war, and yes, even racism. I can only pray that God will guide him to make the right decisions.
We did not go to the capital to watch the inauguration. It was hard to stay home because we are so close. On a normal day it would take us maybe 45 min to get there, but of course yesterday was no ordinary day. It would have taken f-o-r-e-v-e-r. The time it would have taken to get there plus the fact that Handsome is 20 months old, the temp was 25F, the windchill was 11F, and I was terrified of some attack all kept us home for the day. We watched everything from the comfort of our living room. Handsome knew that we were paying attention to something other than him so he was loud and climbing all over me so that he would get some of the attention. I kept telling him to watch, but of course he would have none of that. And would he crawl all over DH? Of course not. It was only Mom that he wanted. The only time he was quiet was at the end of the speeches when the crowd would clap. He would then look at the TV and clap and laugh right along with them as if he had been listening the whole time - or maybe it was because he thought it was finally over, who knows.
Oh, and one thing that I did not like? I didn't hear it when we were watching, but I heard it in the commentary afterwards. They said that the crowd boo'ed Bush when he was introduced. That makes me angry. Yes, be happy that a new president is coming, but do not disrespect the president that we have had for eight years. You can dislike his policies and even dislike the person if you like, but do not disrespect him. He was leaving office mere moments after his name was announced, why would you feel the need to treat him like that? There would be no good come out of that.
Dear Lord, please help our new president.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
If you're happy and you know it...
"If you're happy and you know it stomp your feet...."
Handsome LOVES this song. I'd sing it and he he'd clap at the end with me and point at me and whine until I started the song again. But in the last week or two he actually does all the signs with me! He stomps his feet and puts his fingers on his face ("your face will surely show it"). He loves it!
Last night we went to the library for storytime. They read stories, but Handsome didn't pay attention because she was only showing the pictures to the other side of the room and the kid sitting next to us was much more interesting. And while we were there he had a couple terrible farts that could kill if you sat too close to him. Yes, I'm documenting the farts so I can tell him when he grows up what I had to go through with him. Man, those farts stink worse than a skunk. But on a happier note at the end we did an art project where they gave him a koala to color. That's his first art project!!! We brought it home and I gave it to him and told him to go show Daddy. He gingerly took it and brought it to DH. It was so cute! We put it on the refrigerator to admire. :)
Handsome LOVES this song. I'd sing it and he he'd clap at the end with me and point at me and whine until I started the song again. But in the last week or two he actually does all the signs with me! He stomps his feet and puts his fingers on his face ("your face will surely show it"). He loves it!
Last night we went to the library for storytime. They read stories, but Handsome didn't pay attention because she was only showing the pictures to the other side of the room and the kid sitting next to us was much more interesting. And while we were there he had a couple terrible farts that could kill if you sat too close to him. Yes, I'm documenting the farts so I can tell him when he grows up what I had to go through with him. Man, those farts stink worse than a skunk. But on a happier note at the end we did an art project where they gave him a koala to color. That's his first art project!!! We brought it home and I gave it to him and told him to go show Daddy. He gingerly took it and brought it to DH. It was so cute! We put it on the refrigerator to admire. :)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Potty Training.
So I found out that the Montessori school that I want to put Handsome in when he turns 2 1/2 years old requires that he is potty trained.
Does that sound impossible to anyone else? Aren't boys supposed to be more difficult than girls to potty train? Handsome doesn't even know when he is peeing yet. He peed when DH put him in the bathtub this weekend and then started crying because he didn't know what he was doing. All the readiness signs are things like "Your child can tell you when he is peeing." Problem one: he doesn't know how to tell us. Problem two: he doesn't even know when he's peeing in the first place.
Hopefully in a year he'll be better.
He has another doctor's appointment in a month so that the doctor can tell us whether she thinks Handsome is going to be obese or if he is back to being underfed, and whether he is developmentally slow with his words. It should be fun.
Does that sound impossible to anyone else? Aren't boys supposed to be more difficult than girls to potty train? Handsome doesn't even know when he is peeing yet. He peed when DH put him in the bathtub this weekend and then started crying because he didn't know what he was doing. All the readiness signs are things like "Your child can tell you when he is peeing." Problem one: he doesn't know how to tell us. Problem two: he doesn't even know when he's peeing in the first place.
Hopefully in a year he'll be better.
He has another doctor's appointment in a month so that the doctor can tell us whether she thinks Handsome is going to be obese or if he is back to being underfed, and whether he is developmentally slow with his words. It should be fun.
Unhappy Haircut
I cut Handsome's hair again yesterday. It was getting out of hand, and with the different degrees of curliness on his head, it needs to stay relatively short.
Previous encounters with the clippers have been just fine, but yesterday was not just fine. Handsome screamed the whole time. No idea why it terrified him this time. He was dancing the music until he saw the dreaded box. The box that was opened to reveal the clippers. He cried until DH decided he needed to come save Handsome. I finished the haircut with a few breaks in the middle to let Handsome calm down a bit. He wanted to hold the clippers a few times, but that didn't seem to ease the trepidation. Poor child.
He looks so handsome now though. He always looks older when I cut his hair.
Previous encounters with the clippers have been just fine, but yesterday was not just fine. Handsome screamed the whole time. No idea why it terrified him this time. He was dancing the music until he saw the dreaded box. The box that was opened to reveal the clippers. He cried until DH decided he needed to come save Handsome. I finished the haircut with a few breaks in the middle to let Handsome calm down a bit. He wanted to hold the clippers a few times, but that didn't seem to ease the trepidation. Poor child.
He looks so handsome now though. He always looks older when I cut his hair.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Talking things out
So DH and I spoke again. I cried and cried, harder than I have in years. DH held me and patiently waited for me to be able to speak and to listen again. It felt good to finally get all that frustration out. I rarely let myself cry more than just small tears streaming from my eyes. In fact, I don't think DH has ever seen me cry this hard. This was one of those cries where you struggle to breathe and your chin shakes and you just want to crawl into the fetal position in the corner of a room.
We came to a compromise. DH said that he still wants four children, he just doesn't know how we will afford them. He said it's not out of the question, it's just that he wants to graduate from school and see how we can afford two children first. So we decided that next year we will put Handsome in preschool once DH starts working and I will continue working full time. We will do this to build back up savings that is currently being depleted by DH not working and us paying for his school. After a while of that we may have our second child at which time we'll pull Handsome out of daycare and I'll switch to a part time schedule that hopefully DH and I can figure out how to balance my schedule and his so that neither Handsome nor the second child have to go to daycare. I do hope though that the combination of our incomes will be enough for Handsome to continue going to preschool a few days a week, because by that time he'll be 3 years old and he will need at least a little while with other children and learning basic skills. He'll get bored at home with me and the baby all day. We'll see though.
I feel better about things now. I'm still tired, but that has more to do with my schedule than anything else.
I love DH and I love Handsome. I love that God has given me the life that I have. My difficulties are nothing compared to those that others have.
I think I hear Handsome waking up...
We came to a compromise. DH said that he still wants four children, he just doesn't know how we will afford them. He said it's not out of the question, it's just that he wants to graduate from school and see how we can afford two children first. So we decided that next year we will put Handsome in preschool once DH starts working and I will continue working full time. We will do this to build back up savings that is currently being depleted by DH not working and us paying for his school. After a while of that we may have our second child at which time we'll pull Handsome out of daycare and I'll switch to a part time schedule that hopefully DH and I can figure out how to balance my schedule and his so that neither Handsome nor the second child have to go to daycare. I do hope though that the combination of our incomes will be enough for Handsome to continue going to preschool a few days a week, because by that time he'll be 3 years old and he will need at least a little while with other children and learning basic skills. He'll get bored at home with me and the baby all day. We'll see though.
I feel better about things now. I'm still tired, but that has more to do with my schedule than anything else.
I love DH and I love Handsome. I love that God has given me the life that I have. My difficulties are nothing compared to those that others have.
I think I hear Handsome waking up...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
More space for children...
Today is not a good day. Not at all.
Last night DH and I had a discussion about the future. About how many children we want and when we want them. Before we got married we had many discussions about how many children. We were both solid about wanting four children. This made me very happy because I had always wanted four, from the time I was maybe six years old. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find a husband that wanted that many children since the "typical" American family has two.
So then there was the timing issue. We were married when we were 25 years old. If we were planning on four children that didn't leave much time for waiting to get pregnant. I also always wanted to have all my kids before I turned 30. Obviously that was impossible, so I thought I could at least have two before I turned 30. DH wanted to wait. He thinks women can have children without any problem until their 50 - no joke. He says there are many women in his village who have done that so he doesn't see why I can't and why I would see that as a problem. He wanted to completely wait until he finished with school before starting to have children. Problem is that he didn't start college until he was 27 and he wants to go all the way until he gets his Ph.D. So if we followed the timeline that he wanted, I wouldn't have children until I was 35 and then the idea of four would be completely out of the window.
Anyway, we figured out how to have the first and we had him. But now? Now DH wants to wait until he has finished school to have the second. And then he wants to be done. He doesn't want the third and he doesn't want the forth. He only wants two children. Period. He said he changed his mind because this one takes so much work and so much money and he didn't realize it was going to be like this.
Problem for me is I already made room in my heart for four. I planned for four. I know they are work and I know they are money, but I already love them. I don't even know if I could handle them. Owen already tries my patience and multiply that by four and I could be in trouble. But I WANT that trouble. I want the challenge. I want to watch them grow and learn and test their limits. I want to see who they marry and meet my grandchildren. I know I haven't even given birth to them, but I love them.
Today I am mourning their loss. I refuse to convince DH to have four. I don't want to force him to have more children than he wants. I don't want there to be the possibility that he will feel resentful towards me for forcing him to have more children or even worse resentful to the children that would be born to us. Unless he legitimately changes his mind and says he truly wants more than two children, we will stop after the second child. He is likely to say we should continue because he doesn't want to see me upset, but that's not enough. He has to want the children.
I do think it's unfair though. We clearly stated before we got married that we both wanted four children. I don't think that it's is fair for him to change his mind. He is afraid we won't have enough money, which is valid, I just don't think that's enough of a reason. We would be ok. Nevertheless, he feels we won't have enough and feels that it would cause too much drama in our house.
He also wants me to continue to work full time. I was planning on switching to part time next year when DH starts work so that we can continue to keep Handsome out of full time daycare. DH thinks Handsome should go to daycare and that we need the extra income from my job. This is the second dagger. Not only have I lost two children, I have to send my first child to fulltime daycare when he is 2 1/2 years old. Do you remember from previous posts that daycare makes me hyperventilate? I just can't handle it. I know most kids turn out ok, but I've always wanted my child raised by me or someone in my close family. I'm afraid he would feel a sense of abandonment if put into full time daycare too early. I do want to put him in preschool when he turns three, but that would be part time. I'm terrified of daycare.
So today I'm mourning. Handsome can see it in my eyes and that just makes it worse. He just looks at me wondering what is wrong. I feel defeated. I've been fighting for so long for what I want. I fought in school to get a degree that I ended up not wanting. I fought in the Peace Corps for food and equal rights. I fought my own family for the right to marry my husband. I fought to learn and keep my job. I am fighting myself to stay in my job and keep bills paid. Now I've almost lost the fight. I was fighting for my four children and now I can't have what I was fighting for, so why fight? The battle has been lost. It's over. I don't have control, I can't change the outcome. I lost.
I will love and cherish the two children that I will have and forever mourn the two that might have been.
Last night DH and I had a discussion about the future. About how many children we want and when we want them. Before we got married we had many discussions about how many children. We were both solid about wanting four children. This made me very happy because I had always wanted four, from the time I was maybe six years old. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find a husband that wanted that many children since the "typical" American family has two.
So then there was the timing issue. We were married when we were 25 years old. If we were planning on four children that didn't leave much time for waiting to get pregnant. I also always wanted to have all my kids before I turned 30. Obviously that was impossible, so I thought I could at least have two before I turned 30. DH wanted to wait. He thinks women can have children without any problem until their 50 - no joke. He says there are many women in his village who have done that so he doesn't see why I can't and why I would see that as a problem. He wanted to completely wait until he finished with school before starting to have children. Problem is that he didn't start college until he was 27 and he wants to go all the way until he gets his Ph.D. So if we followed the timeline that he wanted, I wouldn't have children until I was 35 and then the idea of four would be completely out of the window.
Anyway, we figured out how to have the first and we had him. But now? Now DH wants to wait until he has finished school to have the second. And then he wants to be done. He doesn't want the third and he doesn't want the forth. He only wants two children. Period. He said he changed his mind because this one takes so much work and so much money and he didn't realize it was going to be like this.
Problem for me is I already made room in my heart for four. I planned for four. I know they are work and I know they are money, but I already love them. I don't even know if I could handle them. Owen already tries my patience and multiply that by four and I could be in trouble. But I WANT that trouble. I want the challenge. I want to watch them grow and learn and test their limits. I want to see who they marry and meet my grandchildren. I know I haven't even given birth to them, but I love them.
Today I am mourning their loss. I refuse to convince DH to have four. I don't want to force him to have more children than he wants. I don't want there to be the possibility that he will feel resentful towards me for forcing him to have more children or even worse resentful to the children that would be born to us. Unless he legitimately changes his mind and says he truly wants more than two children, we will stop after the second child. He is likely to say we should continue because he doesn't want to see me upset, but that's not enough. He has to want the children.
I do think it's unfair though. We clearly stated before we got married that we both wanted four children. I don't think that it's is fair for him to change his mind. He is afraid we won't have enough money, which is valid, I just don't think that's enough of a reason. We would be ok. Nevertheless, he feels we won't have enough and feels that it would cause too much drama in our house.
He also wants me to continue to work full time. I was planning on switching to part time next year when DH starts work so that we can continue to keep Handsome out of full time daycare. DH thinks Handsome should go to daycare and that we need the extra income from my job. This is the second dagger. Not only have I lost two children, I have to send my first child to fulltime daycare when he is 2 1/2 years old. Do you remember from previous posts that daycare makes me hyperventilate? I just can't handle it. I know most kids turn out ok, but I've always wanted my child raised by me or someone in my close family. I'm afraid he would feel a sense of abandonment if put into full time daycare too early. I do want to put him in preschool when he turns three, but that would be part time. I'm terrified of daycare.
So today I'm mourning. Handsome can see it in my eyes and that just makes it worse. He just looks at me wondering what is wrong. I feel defeated. I've been fighting for so long for what I want. I fought in school to get a degree that I ended up not wanting. I fought in the Peace Corps for food and equal rights. I fought my own family for the right to marry my husband. I fought to learn and keep my job. I am fighting myself to stay in my job and keep bills paid. Now I've almost lost the fight. I was fighting for my four children and now I can't have what I was fighting for, so why fight? The battle has been lost. It's over. I don't have control, I can't change the outcome. I lost.
I will love and cherish the two children that I will have and forever mourn the two that might have been.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Vacation Summation
So we just got back from our two week vacation. It was wonderful. It made me feel guilty for living so far away from family though. Handsome played with his cousins and ran on Dad's land like he had finally been set free. His new word from vacation is "cow." He LOVED Dad's cows. He would run straight for them. He would stick his hands through the fence so he could feel the cow's nose.
I left Handsome with DH and Dad on one of the first days and when I came home I was greeted with pictures of Handsome picking up cow dung. Yes, cow dung. In his bare hands. And Handsome sucks his thumbs. Yes, cow dung in hands with thumbs that go in Handsome's mouth. Ick. Both Dad and DH insisted that it was old dung so it was ok. Dung is dung, my friend.
Another day Handsome and I went out to the bamboo area with Dad and J (Handsome's cousin - 8 years old). We were on the cow's side of the fence and they were following us thinking Dad was going to give them food. If I put Handsome down he would literally run straight for the cows. I let him down inside the fenced in bamboo area and he squeezed his way through the gate to run to the cows. As I was struggling to undo the chain as fast as I could, he ran towards a startled cow. Great. I opened the gate and tried not to run too fast so that I wouldn't freak the cow out even more. The cow jumped some and started to run away, but I caught up with Handsome before he got tangled in the cow's legs. And Handsome still cried when I picked him up because he wanted to get to the cow.
He loved the wide open spaces. We let him down just to see what he would do and he started running and didn't stop. He would fall over the dung heaps and old ant hills, and then just get back up and keep running. He was so excited he just couldn't stop. I don't think I've ever seen him so excited and looking like he felt so at home in a place where he truly fit. Apparently he needs space to run. This city life isn't for him. It's not really for me either, but it's where my job is, so I'm stuck right now. It's also where the culture lets us be who we are, so I'm a bit afraid to move too far back in the country. Anyway, he finally got to be a speck in the distance so I sent DH running to catch up with him and bring him back.
Handsome loved being around his cousins. He followed them everywhere. The youngest cousin, N, is five months younger than Handsome, so they were kinda drawn to each other. They calmed each other down and played very nicely together. N doesn't quite walk yet though, so they couldn't do too much. DH and I actually got to go out on a date because the cousins distracted Handsome enough, and he loved my brother's wife. So DH and I got to go on our third date since Handsome was born.
We also got to see my bf. Handsome actually let her carry him around for quite a while. As for my bf, God has sent more troubles her way. She lost her job the week before Christmas. She worked for an OBGYN that specialized in fertility problems. Well, since the economy sucks they don't have as many patients. As a result, they can't afford as many nurses. I didn't get to talk to her as much as I would like, but she seemed very tired and worn down. She is trying so hard to do the right thing and yet crap keeps getting thrown at her. I really hope 2009 is a better year for her.
The flight to TX was good. Handsome ate for the first part and then fell asleep. For the last part he watch a few podcasts on the iPod, ate some goldfish, and then we landed. The flight home was not so pleasant. The flight left at 7pm so I thought for sure he would sleep. No sleep at all on that flight. He was awake and kicking the seat in front of him the entire time. He was bored and cranky and it took a lot of work from me to keep him from crying and screaming on the flight. At one point I thought I would give DH the responsibility so that I could rest for a while. Of course that didn't work and I had to fight to get my seat back so that Handsome would stop yelling. As we sat waiting to get our bags off the belt a woman walked up to us and said she was a child photographer and was just drawn to Handsome. She gave me her card. She takes good photos, but of course we can't afford professional pictures. Her comment kinda made me chuckle inside because of course she's drawn to children, that's how she earns her income. Handsome finally fell asleep about 15 min into the car ride home. He was so tired at that point that when we got home I was able to just transfer him from the car to his crib and he barely woke up - which for Handsome, never happens.
Overall it was an awesome vacation and going back to work is hard.
I left Handsome with DH and Dad on one of the first days and when I came home I was greeted with pictures of Handsome picking up cow dung. Yes, cow dung. In his bare hands. And Handsome sucks his thumbs. Yes, cow dung in hands with thumbs that go in Handsome's mouth. Ick. Both Dad and DH insisted that it was old dung so it was ok. Dung is dung, my friend.
Another day Handsome and I went out to the bamboo area with Dad and J (Handsome's cousin - 8 years old). We were on the cow's side of the fence and they were following us thinking Dad was going to give them food. If I put Handsome down he would literally run straight for the cows. I let him down inside the fenced in bamboo area and he squeezed his way through the gate to run to the cows. As I was struggling to undo the chain as fast as I could, he ran towards a startled cow. Great. I opened the gate and tried not to run too fast so that I wouldn't freak the cow out even more. The cow jumped some and started to run away, but I caught up with Handsome before he got tangled in the cow's legs. And Handsome still cried when I picked him up because he wanted to get to the cow.
He loved the wide open spaces. We let him down just to see what he would do and he started running and didn't stop. He would fall over the dung heaps and old ant hills, and then just get back up and keep running. He was so excited he just couldn't stop. I don't think I've ever seen him so excited and looking like he felt so at home in a place where he truly fit. Apparently he needs space to run. This city life isn't for him. It's not really for me either, but it's where my job is, so I'm stuck right now. It's also where the culture lets us be who we are, so I'm a bit afraid to move too far back in the country. Anyway, he finally got to be a speck in the distance so I sent DH running to catch up with him and bring him back.
Handsome loved being around his cousins. He followed them everywhere. The youngest cousin, N, is five months younger than Handsome, so they were kinda drawn to each other. They calmed each other down and played very nicely together. N doesn't quite walk yet though, so they couldn't do too much. DH and I actually got to go out on a date because the cousins distracted Handsome enough, and he loved my brother's wife. So DH and I got to go on our third date since Handsome was born.
We also got to see my bf. Handsome actually let her carry him around for quite a while. As for my bf, God has sent more troubles her way. She lost her job the week before Christmas. She worked for an OBGYN that specialized in fertility problems. Well, since the economy sucks they don't have as many patients. As a result, they can't afford as many nurses. I didn't get to talk to her as much as I would like, but she seemed very tired and worn down. She is trying so hard to do the right thing and yet crap keeps getting thrown at her. I really hope 2009 is a better year for her.
The flight to TX was good. Handsome ate for the first part and then fell asleep. For the last part he watch a few podcasts on the iPod, ate some goldfish, and then we landed. The flight home was not so pleasant. The flight left at 7pm so I thought for sure he would sleep. No sleep at all on that flight. He was awake and kicking the seat in front of him the entire time. He was bored and cranky and it took a lot of work from me to keep him from crying and screaming on the flight. At one point I thought I would give DH the responsibility so that I could rest for a while. Of course that didn't work and I had to fight to get my seat back so that Handsome would stop yelling. As we sat waiting to get our bags off the belt a woman walked up to us and said she was a child photographer and was just drawn to Handsome. She gave me her card. She takes good photos, but of course we can't afford professional pictures. Her comment kinda made me chuckle inside because of course she's drawn to children, that's how she earns her income. Handsome finally fell asleep about 15 min into the car ride home. He was so tired at that point that when we got home I was able to just transfer him from the car to his crib and he barely woke up - which for Handsome, never happens.
Overall it was an awesome vacation and going back to work is hard.
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