So DH and I spoke again. I cried and cried, harder than I have in years. DH held me and patiently waited for me to be able to speak and to listen again. It felt good to finally get all that frustration out. I rarely let myself cry more than just small tears streaming from my eyes. In fact, I don't think DH has ever seen me cry this hard. This was one of those cries where you struggle to breathe and your chin shakes and you just want to crawl into the fetal position in the corner of a room.
We came to a compromise. DH said that he still wants four children, he just doesn't know how we will afford them. He said it's not out of the question, it's just that he wants to graduate from school and see how we can afford two children first. So we decided that next year we will put Handsome in preschool once DH starts working and I will continue working full time. We will do this to build back up savings that is currently being depleted by DH not working and us paying for his school. After a while of that we may have our second child at which time we'll pull Handsome out of daycare and I'll switch to a part time schedule that hopefully DH and I can figure out how to balance my schedule and his so that neither Handsome nor the second child have to go to daycare. I do hope though that the combination of our incomes will be enough for Handsome to continue going to preschool a few days a week, because by that time he'll be 3 years old and he will need at least a little while with other children and learning basic skills. He'll get bored at home with me and the baby all day. We'll see though.
I feel better about things now. I'm still tired, but that has more to do with my schedule than anything else.
I love DH and I love Handsome. I love that God has given me the life that I have. My difficulties are nothing compared to those that others have.
I think I hear Handsome waking up...
Showing posts with label daycare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label daycare. Show all posts
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
More space for children...
Today is not a good day. Not at all.
Last night DH and I had a discussion about the future. About how many children we want and when we want them. Before we got married we had many discussions about how many children. We were both solid about wanting four children. This made me very happy because I had always wanted four, from the time I was maybe six years old. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find a husband that wanted that many children since the "typical" American family has two.
So then there was the timing issue. We were married when we were 25 years old. If we were planning on four children that didn't leave much time for waiting to get pregnant. I also always wanted to have all my kids before I turned 30. Obviously that was impossible, so I thought I could at least have two before I turned 30. DH wanted to wait. He thinks women can have children without any problem until their 50 - no joke. He says there are many women in his village who have done that so he doesn't see why I can't and why I would see that as a problem. He wanted to completely wait until he finished with school before starting to have children. Problem is that he didn't start college until he was 27 and he wants to go all the way until he gets his Ph.D. So if we followed the timeline that he wanted, I wouldn't have children until I was 35 and then the idea of four would be completely out of the window.
Anyway, we figured out how to have the first and we had him. But now? Now DH wants to wait until he has finished school to have the second. And then he wants to be done. He doesn't want the third and he doesn't want the forth. He only wants two children. Period. He said he changed his mind because this one takes so much work and so much money and he didn't realize it was going to be like this.
Problem for me is I already made room in my heart for four. I planned for four. I know they are work and I know they are money, but I already love them. I don't even know if I could handle them. Owen already tries my patience and multiply that by four and I could be in trouble. But I WANT that trouble. I want the challenge. I want to watch them grow and learn and test their limits. I want to see who they marry and meet my grandchildren. I know I haven't even given birth to them, but I love them.
Today I am mourning their loss. I refuse to convince DH to have four. I don't want to force him to have more children than he wants. I don't want there to be the possibility that he will feel resentful towards me for forcing him to have more children or even worse resentful to the children that would be born to us. Unless he legitimately changes his mind and says he truly wants more than two children, we will stop after the second child. He is likely to say we should continue because he doesn't want to see me upset, but that's not enough. He has to want the children.
I do think it's unfair though. We clearly stated before we got married that we both wanted four children. I don't think that it's is fair for him to change his mind. He is afraid we won't have enough money, which is valid, I just don't think that's enough of a reason. We would be ok. Nevertheless, he feels we won't have enough and feels that it would cause too much drama in our house.
He also wants me to continue to work full time. I was planning on switching to part time next year when DH starts work so that we can continue to keep Handsome out of full time daycare. DH thinks Handsome should go to daycare and that we need the extra income from my job. This is the second dagger. Not only have I lost two children, I have to send my first child to fulltime daycare when he is 2 1/2 years old. Do you remember from previous posts that daycare makes me hyperventilate? I just can't handle it. I know most kids turn out ok, but I've always wanted my child raised by me or someone in my close family. I'm afraid he would feel a sense of abandonment if put into full time daycare too early. I do want to put him in preschool when he turns three, but that would be part time. I'm terrified of daycare.
So today I'm mourning. Handsome can see it in my eyes and that just makes it worse. He just looks at me wondering what is wrong. I feel defeated. I've been fighting for so long for what I want. I fought in school to get a degree that I ended up not wanting. I fought in the Peace Corps for food and equal rights. I fought my own family for the right to marry my husband. I fought to learn and keep my job. I am fighting myself to stay in my job and keep bills paid. Now I've almost lost the fight. I was fighting for my four children and now I can't have what I was fighting for, so why fight? The battle has been lost. It's over. I don't have control, I can't change the outcome. I lost.
I will love and cherish the two children that I will have and forever mourn the two that might have been.
Last night DH and I had a discussion about the future. About how many children we want and when we want them. Before we got married we had many discussions about how many children. We were both solid about wanting four children. This made me very happy because I had always wanted four, from the time I was maybe six years old. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find a husband that wanted that many children since the "typical" American family has two.
So then there was the timing issue. We were married when we were 25 years old. If we were planning on four children that didn't leave much time for waiting to get pregnant. I also always wanted to have all my kids before I turned 30. Obviously that was impossible, so I thought I could at least have two before I turned 30. DH wanted to wait. He thinks women can have children without any problem until their 50 - no joke. He says there are many women in his village who have done that so he doesn't see why I can't and why I would see that as a problem. He wanted to completely wait until he finished with school before starting to have children. Problem is that he didn't start college until he was 27 and he wants to go all the way until he gets his Ph.D. So if we followed the timeline that he wanted, I wouldn't have children until I was 35 and then the idea of four would be completely out of the window.
Anyway, we figured out how to have the first and we had him. But now? Now DH wants to wait until he has finished school to have the second. And then he wants to be done. He doesn't want the third and he doesn't want the forth. He only wants two children. Period. He said he changed his mind because this one takes so much work and so much money and he didn't realize it was going to be like this.
Problem for me is I already made room in my heart for four. I planned for four. I know they are work and I know they are money, but I already love them. I don't even know if I could handle them. Owen already tries my patience and multiply that by four and I could be in trouble. But I WANT that trouble. I want the challenge. I want to watch them grow and learn and test their limits. I want to see who they marry and meet my grandchildren. I know I haven't even given birth to them, but I love them.
Today I am mourning their loss. I refuse to convince DH to have four. I don't want to force him to have more children than he wants. I don't want there to be the possibility that he will feel resentful towards me for forcing him to have more children or even worse resentful to the children that would be born to us. Unless he legitimately changes his mind and says he truly wants more than two children, we will stop after the second child. He is likely to say we should continue because he doesn't want to see me upset, but that's not enough. He has to want the children.
I do think it's unfair though. We clearly stated before we got married that we both wanted four children. I don't think that it's is fair for him to change his mind. He is afraid we won't have enough money, which is valid, I just don't think that's enough of a reason. We would be ok. Nevertheless, he feels we won't have enough and feels that it would cause too much drama in our house.
He also wants me to continue to work full time. I was planning on switching to part time next year when DH starts work so that we can continue to keep Handsome out of full time daycare. DH thinks Handsome should go to daycare and that we need the extra income from my job. This is the second dagger. Not only have I lost two children, I have to send my first child to fulltime daycare when he is 2 1/2 years old. Do you remember from previous posts that daycare makes me hyperventilate? I just can't handle it. I know most kids turn out ok, but I've always wanted my child raised by me or someone in my close family. I'm afraid he would feel a sense of abandonment if put into full time daycare too early. I do want to put him in preschool when he turns three, but that would be part time. I'm terrified of daycare.
So today I'm mourning. Handsome can see it in my eyes and that just makes it worse. He just looks at me wondering what is wrong. I feel defeated. I've been fighting for so long for what I want. I fought in school to get a degree that I ended up not wanting. I fought in the Peace Corps for food and equal rights. I fought my own family for the right to marry my husband. I fought to learn and keep my job. I am fighting myself to stay in my job and keep bills paid. Now I've almost lost the fight. I was fighting for my four children and now I can't have what I was fighting for, so why fight? The battle has been lost. It's over. I don't have control, I can't change the outcome. I lost.
I will love and cherish the two children that I will have and forever mourn the two that might have been.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Daycare centers
I went to visit two daycare centers yesterday. I thought I should at least look at them since DH may start working nights soon.
The first one came highly recommended from a friend of mine. Her daughter goes there and has been there for a few months. I walked in and one of the teachers said she would go get someone to talk to me. The place smelled old. And not a nice old smell. A smelly, dank, old smell. The building on the outside looked fine, but the inside just didn't seem all that great. It had low ceilings and a tiny hallway where it seemed like you were walking in Alice in the Wonderland to that teeny tiny door. While I was waiting I heard a teacher yelling at one of the infants. Infant. We're talking 8-15 months old. She was telling him to stop doing something. I'm all about discipline, but yelling? It's not my thing. Especially not to a child that age. Now, she didn't necessarily sound mean. She definitely didn't seem like she was going overboard. It just sounded like that was her way of getting her point across. The child started crying and I wanted to run in there and hold him. I'm sure he was doing something he shouldn't have, but I can just speak confidently and give Handsome a serious face and he'll start crying. No yelling necessary.
Well, then the assistant principle came to talk to me. He was a very nice man. His personality was honestly a lot like DH, except that this guy was a little clueless. He seemed like he was great with kids, but not so great with adult decision making. I think Handsome would love him as he would remind him of Daddy, but the clueless part doesn't make Mommy happy. He walked me around to see all the classrooms. The infants all smiled at us. There were six infants and two adults. They all seemed happy until we left and then they started to cry. I think it was the hint of Mommy coming and then she didn't come.
All the lights were out in the older classrooms since it was naptime for them. One girl was crying because she fell and hit her lip. He said they had been trying to reach her mother and she wasn't answering her phone. He said there were 55 children there total.
This daycare/preschool is ranked with one of the teaching organizations as a good place. I just didn't get a warm feeling there. I know they can't help their building, but those low ceilings just didn't help. I've tried calling them on the phone numerous times and no one has ever called me back.
The other place that I went to seemed much nicer to me. Closer to work, cleaner, newer, higher ceilings, more open, big windows, very friendly staff. I was there during naptime again and with the older kids, some of the workers were rubbing their backs to help them to sleep.
So I asked a local moms group about the place that I liked since I hadn't heard about it from anyone, and of course I get a bad review. The place was apparently shut down about a year ago due to violations and a lot of mothers removed their children from there. GRRR. They said to check to see if they had new management.
So the two closest places have a lady that yells at the infants and a place shut down due to major violations. Maybe DH will just work nights.
The first one came highly recommended from a friend of mine. Her daughter goes there and has been there for a few months. I walked in and one of the teachers said she would go get someone to talk to me. The place smelled old. And not a nice old smell. A smelly, dank, old smell. The building on the outside looked fine, but the inside just didn't seem all that great. It had low ceilings and a tiny hallway where it seemed like you were walking in Alice in the Wonderland to that teeny tiny door. While I was waiting I heard a teacher yelling at one of the infants. Infant. We're talking 8-15 months old. She was telling him to stop doing something. I'm all about discipline, but yelling? It's not my thing. Especially not to a child that age. Now, she didn't necessarily sound mean. She definitely didn't seem like she was going overboard. It just sounded like that was her way of getting her point across. The child started crying and I wanted to run in there and hold him. I'm sure he was doing something he shouldn't have, but I can just speak confidently and give Handsome a serious face and he'll start crying. No yelling necessary.
Well, then the assistant principle came to talk to me. He was a very nice man. His personality was honestly a lot like DH, except that this guy was a little clueless. He seemed like he was great with kids, but not so great with adult decision making. I think Handsome would love him as he would remind him of Daddy, but the clueless part doesn't make Mommy happy. He walked me around to see all the classrooms. The infants all smiled at us. There were six infants and two adults. They all seemed happy until we left and then they started to cry. I think it was the hint of Mommy coming and then she didn't come.
All the lights were out in the older classrooms since it was naptime for them. One girl was crying because she fell and hit her lip. He said they had been trying to reach her mother and she wasn't answering her phone. He said there were 55 children there total.
This daycare/preschool is ranked with one of the teaching organizations as a good place. I just didn't get a warm feeling there. I know they can't help their building, but those low ceilings just didn't help. I've tried calling them on the phone numerous times and no one has ever called me back.
The other place that I went to seemed much nicer to me. Closer to work, cleaner, newer, higher ceilings, more open, big windows, very friendly staff. I was there during naptime again and with the older kids, some of the workers were rubbing their backs to help them to sleep.
So I asked a local moms group about the place that I liked since I hadn't heard about it from anyone, and of course I get a bad review. The place was apparently shut down about a year ago due to violations and a lot of mothers removed their children from there. GRRR. They said to check to see if they had new management.
So the two closest places have a lady that yells at the infants and a place shut down due to major violations. Maybe DH will just work nights.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Soccer
I think Handsome is going to be a soccer player. We went out to a park so that I could run and I brought the little size 1 soccer ball so that DH and Handsome could play. Handsome typically goes up to pick up the ball and will occasionally kick the ball by accident. Well we started getting excited and clapping when he kicked the ball so he caught on that what he's supposed to do is kick the ball. So then for the next 20 min or so he ran around kicking the ball! I was impressed he was focused on the same activity for so long. Now granted, DH was feeding him yogurt at the same time so he would kick for a while and then DH would call him to eat. He'd run to go eat and then go back to kicking the ball. He fell a few times, but didn't seem to care. He was even running on gravel. If he landed on his hands he'd bring his hands to me to wipe them off and then he went back to kicking the soccer ball. It was too cute and almost surreal to see my little 13 month old, 20 pound, 28in, son kicking a soccer ball around.
A few days later I let him play with the soccer ball in the living room and he kicked it for a while and then proceeded to try to eat the ball. Well, baby steps right? I took him and the ball outside and he kicked it down the sidewalk.
Finances are requiring DH and I to look into daycare options so that DH can return to work. I can't express how much it terrifies me to put Handsome into daycare. There are so many things to worry about. I just don't trust a complete stranger to take care of him.
OK, well, gtg. I'll finish my whining about having to find daycare later.
A few days later I let him play with the soccer ball in the living room and he kicked it for a while and then proceeded to try to eat the ball. Well, baby steps right? I took him and the ball outside and he kicked it down the sidewalk.
Finances are requiring DH and I to look into daycare options so that DH can return to work. I can't express how much it terrifies me to put Handsome into daycare. There are so many things to worry about. I just don't trust a complete stranger to take care of him.
OK, well, gtg. I'll finish my whining about having to find daycare later.
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