More space for children...

Today is not a good day. Not at all.

Last night DH and I had a discussion about the future. About how many children we want and when we want them. Before we got married we had many discussions about how many children. We were both solid about wanting four children. This made me very happy because I had always wanted four, from the time I was maybe six years old. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find a husband that wanted that many children since the "typical" American family has two.

So then there was the timing issue. We were married when we were 25 years old. If we were planning on four children that didn't leave much time for waiting to get pregnant. I also always wanted to have all my kids before I turned 30. Obviously that was impossible, so I thought I could at least have two before I turned 30. DH wanted to wait. He thinks women can have children without any problem until their 50 - no joke. He says there are many women in his village who have done that so he doesn't see why I can't and why I would see that as a problem. He wanted to completely wait until he finished with school before starting to have children. Problem is that he didn't start college until he was 27 and he wants to go all the way until he gets his Ph.D. So if we followed the timeline that he wanted, I wouldn't have children until I was 35 and then the idea of four would be completely out of the window.

Anyway, we figured out how to have the first and we had him. But now? Now DH wants to wait until he has finished school to have the second. And then he wants to be done. He doesn't want the third and he doesn't want the forth. He only wants two children. Period. He said he changed his mind because this one takes so much work and so much money and he didn't realize it was going to be like this.

Problem for me is I already made room in my heart for four. I planned for four. I know they are work and I know they are money, but I already love them. I don't even know if I could handle them. Owen already tries my patience and multiply that by four and I could be in trouble. But I WANT that trouble. I want the challenge. I want to watch them grow and learn and test their limits. I want to see who they marry and meet my grandchildren. I know I haven't even given birth to them, but I love them.

Today I am mourning their loss. I refuse to convince DH to have four. I don't want to force him to have more children than he wants. I don't want there to be the possibility that he will feel resentful towards me for forcing him to have more children or even worse resentful to the children that would be born to us. Unless he legitimately changes his mind and says he truly wants more than two children, we will stop after the second child. He is likely to say we should continue because he doesn't want to see me upset, but that's not enough. He has to want the children.

I do think it's unfair though. We clearly stated before we got married that we both wanted four children. I don't think that it's is fair for him to change his mind. He is afraid we won't have enough money, which is valid, I just don't think that's enough of a reason. We would be ok. Nevertheless, he feels we won't have enough and feels that it would cause too much drama in our house.

He also wants me to continue to work full time. I was planning on switching to part time next year when DH starts work so that we can continue to keep Handsome out of full time daycare. DH thinks Handsome should go to daycare and that we need the extra income from my job. This is the second dagger. Not only have I lost two children, I have to send my first child to fulltime daycare when he is 2 1/2 years old. Do you remember from previous posts that daycare makes me hyperventilate? I just can't handle it. I know most kids turn out ok, but I've always wanted my child raised by me or someone in my close family. I'm afraid he would feel a sense of abandonment if put into full time daycare too early. I do want to put him in preschool when he turns three, but that would be part time. I'm terrified of daycare.

So today I'm mourning. Handsome can see it in my eyes and that just makes it worse. He just looks at me wondering what is wrong. I feel defeated. I've been fighting for so long for what I want. I fought in school to get a degree that I ended up not wanting. I fought in the Peace Corps for food and equal rights. I fought my own family for the right to marry my husband. I fought to learn and keep my job. I am fighting myself to stay in my job and keep bills paid. Now I've almost lost the fight. I was fighting for my four children and now I can't have what I was fighting for, so why fight? The battle has been lost. It's over. I don't have control, I can't change the outcome. I lost.

I will love and cherish the two children that I will have and forever mourn the two that might have been.