Break Down

Well, I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when it was going to come. Yesterday it just hit.


Last week I got so frustrated at work that I was just cussing at everyone and everything. I couldn't find what I wanted to and I felt like the world had the odds stacked against me. I can't have the schedule that I can get things done with, I have a new boss that is obsessed with quality forgetting that we have limited time to do things, and I don't have the "pipeline" of work stored up so that I can get a few easy counts. That day I actually had a higher ranking employee do part of my job for me because I just couldn't find what I needed and he wouldn't take it as I had it. It was horrible and I felt horrible.


That night I decided that I was going to be ok and face the following day with resolve to do better and feel better. And I did. The next day was good. Mostly it was good because I didn't care anymore. I basically just gave up. Why stress about getting things done if it is impossible?


Then came yesterday morning. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to face the world. I just wanted to lay in bed and cry and sleep all day. My head was pounding and my stomach was threatening to explode. So I called in sick and went back to bed, hoping that when I woke up my head would calm down and my stomach would settle. Handsome woke me up at 9:30am and I went to feed him. I took him downstairs and ate breakfast while he played on the blanket. Two hours later when he was tired I put him down for a nap and went back to bed. I just wanted to cry. My head was filled with the pressure that only stress can cause and my stomach was no better. I slept until Handsome started crying again. DH met me in Handsome's room and actually told me to go back to sleep and he would take Handsome. So I slept for a couple more hours.


DH and I talked about what I could do to make things better. The problem is that there are so few things that can be done to fix this. Basically what I have resolved to do is suppress my perfectionist tendencies. I am given a limited time frame with which to get things done, so I REALLY can't afford to spend days working on things that I have only been given hours to complete.


I want to be a SAHM so much that it is eating me up inside. Why should I spend hours a day at work focusing on unimportant things, when my son is at home growing and changing every day? I understand that some women need to have their own lives away from their children and feel like they are providing for them. Currently I have no need for that. I want five years at home with my son and then as soon as he is in school I will happily return to work. Until then everyday I feel terrible that I can't stay at home with my Handsome.