Failure

I feel like a failure.

I got this stupid infection and now I can't nurse my son. The OB/GYN that I don't trust told me that I had an infection and gave me a topical medicine that she said could be taken while breastfeeding without any problems. Well, honestly SHE told me that I had no infection. Then a few days later, the nurse calls me and says, "By the way, you have this infection. Would you like the topical or oral medication?" I asked the nurse if it was ok to take while breastfeeding and she said it was fine. Would have been nice if the doctor would have been available to answer questions.

So I get the medication and as I'm reading the little insert I notice a special section to women who are nursing. There are two paragraphs. The first states that no specific studies have been done, and the second states that there have been "serious adverse reactions" in breastfeeding infants. Right. What mother in her right mind is going to just take the medicine without questioning at that point?

The insert also says not to use condoms for five days following taking the medicine because it will reduce the integrity of the latex, or whatever barrier used. Great. So there is this medicine that can eat through plastics that I'm supposed to stick up my vajayjay and then breastfeed my baby.

So as suggested by a Pea, I called the pediatrician to get their opinion. They read through a list of medications and said that it was fine. When I probed further they said that the list stated that the medicine had not been fully tested for its effects on breastfed infants, but there had been no adverse reactions reported. Right. They said that all medicinal inserts added warnings like that because it saved their behind (she of course didn't state it exactly like that).

So I took all the advice that I was given and decided that I was going to take the medicine and feed Handsome with the breast milk we have saved up in the freezer for four days. That way the medicine should be out of my bloodstream by the time I am feeding him again.

I took the medicine about 30 minutes ago and now I feel incomplete. I feel like something has been taken away from me. The stupid doctors took away the bond that I have with my son. For almost six months I have breastfed my son every day and now I can't. I didn't realize how attached I was to breastfeeding until now.

I don't know if I can bring myself to feeding him a bottle. I don't feel like I'm supposed to feed him a bottle. It feels like he's going to look at me like I'm withholding from him - almost like I don't love him anymore, like I don't want to be as close to him as I have been for five months.

This is so uncool.

I miss my son. I just breastfed him an hour ago and I already miss him and our bond.

I feel like a failure.