I can't believe I work here...

My office has a newsletter that comes out every week. It is supposed to talk about the important things happening at the office and sometimes a little something "fun" is thrown in there. The quotes are to compensate for the fact that what some consider fun, others consider serious, and still others consider downright odd. So here's the article (edited to protect the "innocent"):

Mustache Wednesday Observed at Work

Two weeks ago, 38 employees, including women, proudly flaunted real or fake mustaches in observance of Mustache Wednesday at work. From stylishly groomed to eccentric mustaches, participating employees paraded their mustaches around campus.

The annual observance was started three years ago by clean shaven employee Doofus #1, Doofus #2, Doofus #3, and Doofus #4 from Area 51. Instead of shaving daily during the end of the fiscal year, the four bolstered their end of the year production by writing Office Actions.

Mustache Wednesday has grown from an idea shared between four friends to an annual campus-wide observance for employees focused on finishing the fiscal year with strong year-end results. Female Doofus, in 2006, was the first female employee to wear a fake mustache.

I can't even believe that I work in this office. The issue is that they are serious. They really buy into this. My office is promoting leaving your personal hygiene behind in favor of getting more work done. This really goes above and beyond. I don't even know what to say anymore. I am speechless.

Failure

I feel like a failure.

I got this stupid infection and now I can't nurse my son. The OB/GYN that I don't trust told me that I had an infection and gave me a topical medicine that she said could be taken while breastfeeding without any problems. Well, honestly SHE told me that I had no infection. Then a few days later, the nurse calls me and says, "By the way, you have this infection. Would you like the topical or oral medication?" I asked the nurse if it was ok to take while breastfeeding and she said it was fine. Would have been nice if the doctor would have been available to answer questions.

So I get the medication and as I'm reading the little insert I notice a special section to women who are nursing. There are two paragraphs. The first states that no specific studies have been done, and the second states that there have been "serious adverse reactions" in breastfeeding infants. Right. What mother in her right mind is going to just take the medicine without questioning at that point?

The insert also says not to use condoms for five days following taking the medicine because it will reduce the integrity of the latex, or whatever barrier used. Great. So there is this medicine that can eat through plastics that I'm supposed to stick up my vajayjay and then breastfeed my baby.

So as suggested by a Pea, I called the pediatrician to get their opinion. They read through a list of medications and said that it was fine. When I probed further they said that the list stated that the medicine had not been fully tested for its effects on breastfed infants, but there had been no adverse reactions reported. Right. They said that all medicinal inserts added warnings like that because it saved their behind (she of course didn't state it exactly like that).

So I took all the advice that I was given and decided that I was going to take the medicine and feed Handsome with the breast milk we have saved up in the freezer for four days. That way the medicine should be out of my bloodstream by the time I am feeding him again.

I took the medicine about 30 minutes ago and now I feel incomplete. I feel like something has been taken away from me. The stupid doctors took away the bond that I have with my son. For almost six months I have breastfed my son every day and now I can't. I didn't realize how attached I was to breastfeeding until now.

I don't know if I can bring myself to feeding him a bottle. I don't feel like I'm supposed to feed him a bottle. It feels like he's going to look at me like I'm withholding from him - almost like I don't love him anymore, like I don't want to be as close to him as I have been for five months.

This is so uncool.

I miss my son. I just breastfed him an hour ago and I already miss him and our bond.

I feel like a failure.

Nervous

Has anyone else been nervous to meet his/her own child? I don't mean nervous while pregnant to see who will be born, because I understand and went through that. I mean nervous to meet the personality that will soon be blooming in their child. I admit that I'm nervous.

Right now I can do no wrong in his eyes. So long as I feed him, allow him to crawl, and occasionally make a funny noise he loves me. A day will come in the not so distant future when my son starts to question me and test me. The testing doesn't bother me too much because I know it is necessary, but what worries me is what if our personalities don't mesh? What if he just has some aversion to me? It's worse than unrequited love.

I love him more than life itself.

Gone are the days of yore

Yesterday two milestones happened.

Milestone #1: We took down Handsome's swing. He has grown out of it. He's too mobile and too heavy. Now there is nothing to contain him except his crib. I already miss the days of easy containment, and the second milestone will show why.

Milestone #2: As we were taking down Handsome's swing we had our backs turned to him for mere seconds. In those seconds, Handsome managed to crawl over to DH's coffee and pull the cup towards him spilling the coffee all over the carpet and Handsome. As soon as I saw it, I picked up Handsome as fast as I could and made sure that the coffee wasn't still hot. It was actually cold and I'm sure if it was still hot then cries would have let us know. We cleaned Handsome and the carpet knowing all the while that this was the first incident of many to come. I think Handsome was proud of himself for reaching the coffee. When I turned to see him at the coffee he was just looking at me with his hand still on the mug. I guess that's better than the days when he will hide his hand covered in permanent marker saying, "It wasn't me mommy!"

Break Down

Well, I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when it was going to come. Yesterday it just hit.


Last week I got so frustrated at work that I was just cussing at everyone and everything. I couldn't find what I wanted to and I felt like the world had the odds stacked against me. I can't have the schedule that I can get things done with, I have a new boss that is obsessed with quality forgetting that we have limited time to do things, and I don't have the "pipeline" of work stored up so that I can get a few easy counts. That day I actually had a higher ranking employee do part of my job for me because I just couldn't find what I needed and he wouldn't take it as I had it. It was horrible and I felt horrible.


That night I decided that I was going to be ok and face the following day with resolve to do better and feel better. And I did. The next day was good. Mostly it was good because I didn't care anymore. I basically just gave up. Why stress about getting things done if it is impossible?


Then came yesterday morning. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to face the world. I just wanted to lay in bed and cry and sleep all day. My head was pounding and my stomach was threatening to explode. So I called in sick and went back to bed, hoping that when I woke up my head would calm down and my stomach would settle. Handsome woke me up at 9:30am and I went to feed him. I took him downstairs and ate breakfast while he played on the blanket. Two hours later when he was tired I put him down for a nap and went back to bed. I just wanted to cry. My head was filled with the pressure that only stress can cause and my stomach was no better. I slept until Handsome started crying again. DH met me in Handsome's room and actually told me to go back to sleep and he would take Handsome. So I slept for a couple more hours.


DH and I talked about what I could do to make things better. The problem is that there are so few things that can be done to fix this. Basically what I have resolved to do is suppress my perfectionist tendencies. I am given a limited time frame with which to get things done, so I REALLY can't afford to spend days working on things that I have only been given hours to complete.


I want to be a SAHM so much that it is eating me up inside. Why should I spend hours a day at work focusing on unimportant things, when my son is at home growing and changing every day? I understand that some women need to have their own lives away from their children and feel like they are providing for them. Currently I have no need for that. I want five years at home with my son and then as soon as he is in school I will happily return to work. Until then everyday I feel terrible that I can't stay at home with my Handsome.

Freckle

Handsome is getting a freckle. It's right above his right eyebrow. I have mixed feelings about the freckle.

First of all, I thought I was going to be able to avoid freckles with him. I have freckles all over me including some rather loud and obnoxious ones. Seeing as his father has zero freckles, I was hoping that Handsome would take after his father. Apparently my propensity towards freckles is just too strong a trait. At five months and one week, the first freckle showed up for Handsome.

At first I thought that the freckle was actually just some sort of smudge, but even the all-powerful cleaning effects of a mother's spit couldn't remove the smudge. Then I thought it would be gone after his bath that night. Alas, the smudge remained and was reclassified as a freckle.

It is barely noticeable, but it almost looks like someone tried to dub him a married Indian woman and missed the target by a little. I'm hoping that either it remains light like it is now, or his skin continues to get a little darker so that they meet as the same color, or that he gets a handful more freckles so that he doesn't have just one lone freckle.

So now Handsome has my ears and my freckle. I hope he gets DH's sight and my hearing.

I wonder how many freckles he will end up with.

Baby Stats

Handsome's hands are still too short to reach over the top of his head. I always thought this was pretty funny. I wonder when they become long enough to touch eachother.

He is also starting to become rather efficient at his scooting/falling/crawling technique. He can get to just about anything he wants.

He pooped today! Yay! He's gone about five days with nothing, so this is an accomplishment. And let me tell you he worked HARD for that poo today. He strained and grunted, his face turned red, and his eyes watered. I've never laughed so hard as I did as he was trying to poo. And all we got was a little bitty puddle of yellow. But we were darn glad to see that puddle.

Renaissance Festival

Yesterday we went to the Renaissance Festival. Handsome did so well! He laughed and smiled at everyone. I did fairly well myself. You know what I did? I nursed Handsome in public! Yay!! Go Me!! I've had this cover from my sister in law for quite a while that I've never figured out how to use, but I brought it with me in case I was there long enough for Handsome to get hungry. Well, he got hungry, and I just put this cover on - basically a rectangular piece of cloth with a string at the top that ties two corners of the rectangle together - and fed him underneath it. Yay! He ate and no one seemed to notice or care. I felt so accomplished. I did however have some help from Bitter by handing her my breast pad at the beginning and handing her Handsome when I needed to resituate everything. So thanks to Bitter!

What did I do at the festival? I ate. Mmm. I got a BBQ sandwich - known as a pork pocket - and french fries and fried green beans and peanut butter chocolate pie. Mmm. And when I got home DH had cooked dinner for me. Minus AF showing up, it was a darn good day.

It's a scoot!

Last night I was sitting on the blanket with Handsome and he was doing his normal push-ups on hands and toes. I was shaking his little toy in front of him to see if he would be able to crawl forward. Usually he just falls backward when he wants to move forward. This time I noticed that he was able to reach the toy, but it didn't really click as to what had just happened yet. He did it a couple more times and then I started wondering, how is he reaching the toy every time? Am I putting it too close to him? So I started paying more attention and he was moving forward every time!!! Somehow he figured out how to kind of fall forward instead of falling backward. Then he would kinda scoot on the floor like an army man in training. I was so proud of him!!! He seemed so proud of himself every time he reached the toy. He'd grab it and then look up at me with a big grin on his face (well, the times when he didn't immediately eat the toy that is).

I ran to get the video camera to document the momentous occasion (even though DH said this was technically the second day Handsome had been doing this). I set up the camera, turned it on, moved away from the camera, and placed the toy in front of Handsome. And what did Handsome do? He looked at the camera. I shook the toy, and Handsome stared at the camera. I spoke in a very fun baby voice, and Handsome looked at the camera. For 30 minutes Handsome just looked at the camera as I tried my darnedest to get his attention. Stupid red flashing LED. I gave up, turned the camera off, and Handsome picked up the toy.

Again, Handsome thinks he's funny. Is this a bad sign?

New Blogger Request

This is a request. A request for a certain someone that I will name "Bitter Bitter Me". I am requesting that Bitter Bitter Me start a blog for her own sanity and for those that interact with her. Not for me of course, but for other someones that are just momentary acquaintances, for instance. Because you see, Bitter Bitter Me has a very friendly face that says to everyone, "Greet me. I'm friendly and I would like to know your name and your life story. I WANT to know if your spouse abused you and what color your poo was yesterday. I can help. I am here to help you." I think the world would be indebted to Bitter Bitter Me if she were to begin a blog. I would be entertained at least and the world revolves around me (or so Bitter Bitter Me repeats to me often and I'm inclined to agree), so it should be so.

So this is my request. Awaiting a response. I will add a link if she ever complies.

BTW, to the others who may read this post. Bitter Bitter Me is a wonderful person who is having a horrible couple days. In subsequent posts I will refer to her as just plain Bitter because Bitter Bitter Me takes too long to type and I tried to cheat using ctrl-V and I keep pressing ctrl-B instead and uttering profanities under my breath as a result. Stupid Bold.

Molting

I'm molting, molting.... My hair has been shedding for the past month or so. They say it's because of the hormones after having a baby and I'm going to take their word for it. Let me tell you though, that if I just saved about three days worth of the hair that falls out of my head I could make a bald man very happy with my donations. It's thick and long (get your minds out of the dirt) so they could make a very nice wig. I don't know how I'm going to have any hair left after all of this. It ends up everywhere - shower, hairbrush, carpet, office floor, clothes, car, desk. I feel bad for my poor husband because my hair is falling out at an alarming rate and Handsome is losing his as well, so everywhere DH goes there is hair.

Handsome thinks he's funny

My little Handsome is growing into quite the jokester. A couple nights ago the motion alarm connected to his bed went off. DH and I ran into his room. Dh reached down to him and said, "Baba?" Not a second later, Handsome responds with the growl sound that he loves so much. We couldn't stop laughing after that. It was like he knew to go hide in the corner of the crib so that the alarm would go off and we would run to his room. I think this will go down as the first practical joke that Handsome has played on his parents.

Joining the Pack

Well, I decided to join the rest of the world today. I have started a blog. I didn't even know what that word meant until about a year ago, and I'm still not entirely sure I understand. I used to write in a journal everyday and then I got married and my free time seemed to disappear. Do you realize how long it takes to write freehand? I used to spend hours writing and I miss that, so this is my attempt to rekindle that - minus all the juicy details. Right now I have a string of emails to myself that is getting ridiculously long, and hence I decided to start this.

I have absolutely no idea how to edit things and make everything fancy. I was given the default template and so far I like it. It's green and I'm fond of green. My couches are green, my drapes are green (Though the drapes are admittedly ugly and need to be replaced. The previous owners left them and I'm too cheap to replace them.), my son's room has a green theme, and people say my eyes are green. My eyes are really hazel, but I'm good with calling them green. 'Spose I could get a hazel background? ... I sat next to the quarterback of my high school's football team in Biology and we had to do a project where we had to study our lab partner's eyes and draw them. You have to wonder whether the bio teacher was trying to set the students up. Anyway, the quarterback had beautiful blue eyes. I asked him a few days before the drawing was due if he had drawn mine - just making conversation of course - and he said he hadn't drawn it yet, but it was going to be easy because my eyes looked like sunflowers. I was smitten. In actuality he was short and not too bright, but he said my eyes looked like sunflowers so I was putty.

I digress.

I will try to keep up with everything and vent without offending. These things have private options too right?