I think I'm being taught a lesson. I think I'm being taught just how selfish and spoiled I am. I've always had enough money to get what I want. It's never been a lot and I've never wanted a lot. I don't buy a lot of clothes. I never buy jewelry. I don't buy decorative stuff. I don't go to the movie hardly at all. Those things aren't important to me. I do like to have enough to go out to eat when I want. I like to have enough to fly to see my family when I want. I like to not worry about paying bills or saving for retirement.
And now I worry. I can't have Subway because the rest of my family needs to eat. I can't drive to work when I want to sleep in because my bil and sil need to go to school. I can't take any vacations because dh needs to go to school. I can't save anything because I don't want Handsome to go to daycare. I do still do things for myself occasionally, but I feel guilty the whole time. I can't enjoy anything that I try to do - financially - for myself because so many other people need it. I'm working my tail off for everyone else.
Ok, I get it God. I get it. How long are going to have to go down this road? How long do I have to be reminded that I have a car while my MIL has maggots in a leg wound that won't heal and has to walk to get anywhere? How long do I have to feel guilty for eating ice cream because my ice cream could pay for SIL or BIL school? How long do I have to feel guilty that everything I do for myself is detrimental to the future of my family?
I know I'm not supposed to feel guilty in general. Guilt helps nothing. I should just stop doing what makes me feel guilty. Easier said than done. I think I'm getting there.
The next thing to learn is how to be selfless without being a void.
At least I'll lose weight if I give up all my guilty pleasures - ice cream, chocolate, Taco Bell, Wendy's, Subway, etc.
2 comments:
i know it's hard not to feel guilty, but you DO deserve something for yourself every now an then... especially when you're working so hard to provide for everyone else. I get caught in that guilt trap every once in a while too. It is, INDEED, difficult to be selfless without becoming a void, or even to be selfless without being continually taken advantage of. *hugs*
I think we have to take care of ourselves before we can fully take care of everyone around us. Sometimes that means a ice cream cone while praying for the way to help our loved ones.
Many hugs and prayers. Hard place to be.
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