One of those days

Do you ever have one of those days? One of those days where you just can't do anything right. Where no matter what you do, you fail. Well, I've had one of those weeks - or months.

I feel like I'm failing. I feel like each day just gets worse than the day before. I keep trying to make things better and it never works. I am a perfectionist and I'm not used to getting things wrong. And now I keep getting things wrong and I don't know what I'm doing to make this happen. And more than the tasks that I'm messing up, I'm messing up with people. I've never been Miss Popularity, but I've also never had people that outright didn't like me. I've always been friends with everyone around but instead of following the crowd I'm a bit of a loner. And now I have someone in my life that just seems to be out to get me. I don't understand this. I don't know what I did to make him upset. I don't know how to fix it.

I have two people that are completely dependent upon me and I feel like I am failing them. I should be able to handle everything and I am fumbling. I only have to do this for two years and yet I just don't know if I am capable.

I feel like I want to just run away. I want to move to a tiny house in the middle of nowhere and farm my own food so that I don't have to worry about bringing money home.

Everything feels impossible.

Photo Contest

Ok, because I'm a dork.... please vote?

http://www.parents.com/app/sharemy/photoDetails.jsp?photoId=218201041

Bra

Today is the first day in over 13 months that I'm wearing a non nursing bra. It's a little bit devastating.

Oxygen

I had an epiphany on my train ride to work. I was standing there waiting to board and smelling all the horrible exhaust and thought about all the new technologies with cars. So here's my thoughts. Currently cars have carbon dioxide exhaust and it's bad and hurts the ozone. They are starting to build hybrid cars that produce less exhaust, but it's still there. There are also hydrogen powered cars that only produce water. This is good, but not still there.

Here's my thought. We should build a car that uses carbon dioxide and only produces oxygen. We know it's possible because plants do it, right? This way, we can accomplish many things. First of all these machines would basically eat up all the crap that we've put in the air and help clean the ozone much faster than all the forests have done. And you that casinos pump extra oxygen into their lobbies in order to make people more alert and happy right? Well, this is the same thing. In rush hour traffic while everyone is stuck in one place, they can just open their windows get a little extra oxygen and be happy together. It should drastically cut down on road rage. And don't worry about then putting too much oxygen in the air and hurting the plant population. First of all, we've cut down on their population anyhow, so we're helping all the little animals. But mostly, we can keep some of the old cars that produce CO2 and together we have built our own self balanced ecosystem. The cars basically feed off each other and all we provide are the engines and radios.

So engineers, go at it!!

My genius surprises me sometimes. ;)

Mom vs. Cow

I don't really have the time to do this entry justice, but I did want to be able to write a little bit.

Handsome is beginning to wean himself. I tried to breastfeed him when I came home from work about a week ago, and he refused to even latch on. It made me very sad. Now we are down to feeding only right before he goes to bed and right when he wakes up in the morning. But now that we have cut down the frequency of feeding, my supply is dwindling as well.

I've stopped pumping at work as well. I know this is helping my supply dwindle, but as it was I was only getting half an ounce for about 15 minutes of pumping. Maybe my body just knew it was time to be done. I don't know. I do know that I like the extra time that I get at work now. I like that I don't have to stop in the middle of a case or ask someone to leave my office so that I can pump.

Last night Handsome woke up around 11pm when the stupid alarm went off. I know I should stop turning it on since he is past the SIDS risk, but I'm kinda attached to it. The alarm went off because he was in the corner of the bed with his legs up on the padding of the side of the crib. So he woke up and started crying. A lot. He was not a happy camper. I held him for a while and nothing seemed to make him quiet. I even breast fed him and it didn't help. DH tried walking and calming him as well. He cried off and on for about an hour and a half. Finally DH gave him about 5 ounces of cow's milk and he went right to sleep. So my milk didn't work, but the cow's did. Yes, I'm being replaced by a cow.

The diaper episode

I kept meaning to write this post and I kept forgetting, so yay for me remembering! It must have something to do with finally getting to sleep the entire night again. Sleep is beautiful.

So typically when I get home from work Handsome is taking his nap or has just gotten up from his nap. If he's still sleeping then I get to go pick him up when he wakes up and typically I get a rather full diaper to change.

Well, last week the temperatures were extremely high outside and DH doesn't like to run the air conditioning during the day to save on energy costs. As a result, he walks around in shorts all day and Handsome is in just his diaper. So when DH put Handsome down for his nap he laid him down in his diaper. Do you see where this is going? I went to pick up Handsome from his nap and found him sitting in his crib completely naked holding his diaper in his hand and just looking at it. As soon as he saw me he started laughing his little heart out. Luckily this was one of the few days that he didn't poop during his nap. Phew.

Now really, isn't 13 months too young for this?? I told DH to make sure he at least put shorts on over the diaper next time to make sure he couldn't take them off. I really didn't think that we'd have to worry about Handsome taking his own diaper off until he was two years old or so. I apparently was wrong.

So yes, I have a little Houdini. Now the diaper is on. Leave the room and come back, and the diaper is magically removed.

Pillows

I think Handsome is trying to hint at something. Whenever he is in the living room and the pillows from the couch are on the floor he will fling himself onto the pillow and then smile up at us. Then when he knows we are watching he will turn over and snuggle with the pillow even more, as if to say, "This is such a comfy pillow. I sure wish I had one of these in my crib to snuggle with each night." And I'm not talking just an occasional snuggle with the pillow. Every chance he gets he is going to that pillow.

In the process of putting him to bed at night I let him walk from the bathroom to his bedroom after he is all dry and awaiting his diaper and clothes. He runs to this huge teddy bear that sits in the corner of his room. The bear is more than twice Handsome's size and he loves it. He snuggles for a minute and then attempts to pick the bear up and walk around the room with it. I have to tear him away from the bear to clothe the boy.

I would put a pillow in the crib with him, but he moves around so much at night that I don't think it would do any sort of good. And really, I think he is still too young for a pillow or sheets. The boy is constantly moving in his sleep. At this point I don't see how anyone sleeps with a toddler his age, because he would end up tossing and turning his way out the door if he wasn't in some enclosed space.

And Handsome's new talent? Throwing things away. You give him a piece of trash and if there is a trashcan anywhere in sight, he'll throw it away.

And Mom's new favorite Handsome talent? If I hand something to Handsome and say, "Bring this to Daddy," he will walk to DH and give it to him!!! I LOVE this! This is why we have children. Soon I can say, "Bring Mommy the remote," and the chores will begin and I will be so happy. ;)

Language

We have one of those toys that spits about five little balls out of the top and you're supposed to go running after them and put them back in the toy. He loves it not so much for the actual point of the game, but rather he likes to take the balls and put them in the spot they are spit out of. When it is on there is air pushing it out, so he keeps trying to put it in and the toy keeps pushing it out. Sometimes another ball will knock his as it attempts to come out - where it is supposed to. Handsome will either grab that ball or let it pass so that he can continue his deliberations. As soon as the timer runs out and the toy turns off, he can successfully put the ball in the hole and then he's all excited. But of course, he goes and pushes the button for it to turn on again and the whole process begins again. He also likes to put the triangle, circle, square, etc, from the shape jar toy inside the ball blowing toy which really messes with the poor fan.

Handsome is starting to understand language. DH will tell him to go pick something up and he will get all excited and walk to pick it up and bring it back to DH. He's all proud of himself when he understands what is going on. When I tell him to go pick something up and bring it to me, there is less of the understanding face. It's more of a, "I think you want me to go pick that up and bring it to you, but why aren't you saying that?" You see, I think he is beginning to understand Dagaare, but his English isn't quite there. DH speaks Dagaare to him all day so he is picking that up, but I spend about an hour each night and then most Saturdays and Sundays with him and that's all I get. I know that eventually his English will outpace his Dagaare since he is in the US, but it still kinda stinks that he doesn't understand me. Now granted, I could start speaking Dagaare to him so that he will be more reinforced there and he will understand me, but my pronunciation isn't the best and I'm afraid I'll mess up his Dagaare. I also wanted him to kinda be clear that Dagaare comes from Dad and English comes from Mom so that he can tell the languages apart in his mind. I don't know. I'm just happy that he is starting to understand a language.

I've been tagged

Ok, I was tagged a while ago, but haven't really gotten time to post, so now that I have a few minutes since Handsome is sick and going to bed early, and DH is at class, here goes:


What was I doing 10 years ago?

• Let's see, ten years ago was 1998. So in June of 1998 I had just finished my first year of college and was back at home living with my parents. I had a small job and was taking a couple summer classes at the local community college.

Five snacks I enjoy?

• Ice Cream - Cold Stone is the best - Birthday Cake Remix... mmmm....
• Cookies
• Tortilla Chips and salsa
• Bananas
• Guacamole
• (I'd like to add more healthy snacks, but even if I like them, it would be a flat out lie to say they were better than the ones that I listed. Now, in Ghana my favorite snack was peanuts. And pito. Mmmm... Pito...)

Five things on today's to-do list?

• To-do list?? I don't have one of those. I have the survival list. I have to get to work, do some counts, come home and relax while playing with my son. There are many things that I should be doing, but very few of them get done.

Five things I would do if I were a billionaire?

• Ah, the dream I dream often. I would pay off my house, buy an actual house in a nicer, safer neighborhood, visit Ghana and all family there, build a couple houses in Ghana, buy a house for my bf so she doesn't have to worry about providing for herself and her children, buy a house for my aunt, buy a house for my brother, pay for DH's education, save for Handsome's education, and quit my job. All that is left would be invested for the future.

Five jobs I've had?

• Ice Cream scooper
• Pizza phone operator
• college tutor
• diaper machine engineer
• peace corps volunteer

Five bad habits?

• Procrastination
• TV watching
• Snacking
• Nagging DH
• Not calling friends

Five places I've lived?

• CA
• TX
• WI
• VA
• Ghana

Six random things about me?

• I like the TV show Bones.
• I love to sing.
• I am Christian.
• I love my husband.
• I love being a mother.
• My clothes are boring and old.

I don't really have anyone else to tag, so if you read this and would like to join, please do!

Grandma, you are missed.

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted.

DH's grandmother passed away on Thur. DH is devastated. He loved his grandmother perhaps more than anyone, and now she passed away when DH is on another continent. He bought a nice coffin for her and helped pay for the funeral, but that is all we could do. It would cost too much right now for him to fly there for her funeral. I know it hurts him that he was so far away from her for the last three years of her life.

As for me, I ended up with an ugly cold. I stayed home from work on Thur and Fri because I just felt horrible. I washed my hands as often as possible in hopes that Handsome wouldn't get sick, but on Sunday we started seeing the snot flowing from his little nose. Sunday night he struggled to go to sleep since he usually sucks his thumb and the stuffed nose was making breathing difficult if he wanted to put his thumb in his mouth. I rocked him and sang to him to help him fall asleep a little easier. He woke up around 4am with a snot filled nose and a very warm body. DH got the Tylenol for him so we could help him feel a little better. I knew he had a low grade fever, but didn't think it was bad enough for more than a little Tylenol. I fed him and he went back to sleep easily. I left for work late this morning, so that I could breastfeed him before work.

We went to a wedding on Saturday. We were late to the actual ceremony so Handsome did great! :) We brought one of those snack traps and he spent the whole time trying to fish out Cheerios. During the reception we did a lot of walking just outside the reception. Everyone commented on how small he was and was already walking. There was a 16 month old walking around that Handsome just wanted to follow all the time. The 16 month old was SO much taller than Handsome!! One of the guys there kept playing with Handsome and saying he looked just like him as a child. One of the workers actually came by a little while later and said, "He looks just like his father!" and was talking about the other guy! DH was away talking to other people so he didn't hear what the guy said.

Handsome has actually been sleeping all the way through the night for about a week now! It is glorious! I pray that it continues. He even slept the whole night at the hotel!