Well the stress of work and having sole responsibility for supporting my family has hit. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I have a constant headache and mounting pressure inside me.
I hate to cry. I avoid it at all costs. But Friday night I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was lying in bed and just started bawling. Like the kind where you can't control how loud you are because you just can't control the emotion. There was so much pressure in my head that I couldn't think straight. I was nauseous. I didn't want to think about all the stress but I couldn't avoid it. When I stood up I was dizzy and shaking.
I have let me go. Throughout high school I did my hair everyday and put on my makeup each morning. I ran at least three times a week and my honest-to-goodness favorite meal was a Caesar salad. I took care of my body. For the past three years I have worked out maybe 10 times. In college I continued to work out and eat well. I may not have taken the time to do my hair but I did wear makeup each day. The problem that I had during high school and college is that I always looked until tomorrow. I never enjoyed today. I always thought about how I could get to where I wanted to go and never considered that I was exactly where I wanted to be.
And then I went to Ghana. I couldn't wear makeup as culture didn't allow it. I couldn't fix my hair each day as I had no electricity and I was outside all day. For the first year I ran down my little dirt road with the village children. Hot season came so I stopped running, but I only ate one meal a day and there was no sugar available so I still lost weight and felt good. But the amazing part was that I lived for each day. I was mindful of what the next step was, but I focused on living each day. I was happy to be where I was in the time that I was there. There was no looking to the past or looking to the future where the "perfect" life must be. I was in the perfect life. I had bad days but I still never wished it were a different time.
Now, today, is the combination of everything bad that I've done in the past. I don't live for today. I wish for tomorrow. For a time where I can stay home with my baby and a time where I don't have to work in a job that brings me no satisfaction. The problem is that day may never come. I may have to work forever. And even if two years pass and I can finally stay at home, my baby is no longer a baby. I wished away all the time where he is a baby and learning to walk and learning to talk. I was so focused on reaching that goal in two years that I failed to relish in the now.
And my body is being torn apart. I eat fast food everyday and I don't exercise. I am constantly stressed so my body does not respond well to anything. I rarely do my makeup and my hair is never done well. I am ashamed of my body and how I have taken care of it. My eyes are growing tired and lose focus and refuse contacts. I sit at a desk everyday staring at a computer screen wishing I were outside.
I watched a show on Oprah about how to get the best out of your job. The majority of women solved their problem by quitting and going to a different job. I don't have that option. I can't start a new job and ask for an extremely flexible schedule so that I can juggle child care and my husband's school schedule. The show that was supposed to solve all my problems just made them worse.
I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I have the pressure of the world resting on my shoulders and I am going to fall at any moment. I am not this strong. Everyone thinks I should be able to handle this without problems. I think the same thing. Unfortunately my body disagrees.
My husband always jokes about me and Handsome moving to Ghana for a while. I usually laugh at him, but maybe we should go.
I feel trapped in a job that doesn't fit me.
I want to be happy with today.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Cheerios
Well, I finally bought Cheerios last night. The dr told me to buy them and let Handsome try to eat them at his last doctor's appointment which was almost two months ago. I didn't buy them because I was terrified that he would choke on them. I'm sure that's some first time mother fear that I'll get over with the next child. Nonetheless, it took me two months to get up the nerve to buy Cheerios.
So for the first try I bit off 3/4 of a Cheerio and gave him the tiny piece left. Because really, how can a child with no molars chew on a hard Cheerio? Well, he gummed it for a second, then it was gone and he was begging for another. Since the first one went so well, I only bit off half of the next one and gave him the rest. You could hear crunching in his mouth and then it was gone and he wanted more. I gave him half a Cheerio for a while until I finally gathered up the nerve to give him a whole Cheerio. After eating the other half of his Cheerios I realized that it dissolved really easily in my mouth, so he got his full Cheerio. I watched him the whole time waiting to have to do the Heimlich maneuver or something, but he chewed that Cheerio like a champ and started begging for the next.
So now I have a Cheerio eating little boy. It's about to make me cry. Imagine - the mere fact that my little boy can eat Cheerios is making me teary eyed. I've never been so emotional until I had Handsome.
The next step is letting Handsome figure out how to eat the Cheerios on his own. He still hasn't figured out how to get things from his hand to his mouth. He will pick up books and eat them, and really anything he finds goes to his mouth - except actual food. When he got the Cheerio in his hand, he didn't know what to do. He just looked at me and cried for another Cheerio. I'm kinda glad because since he doesn't realize he can eat things he has picked up with his hand, I don't have to worry so much about the small pieces of fuzz on the carpet, or the piece of dirt that came in on someone's shoe. I actually dread the time when he figures out how to feed himself. I know it is coming soon.
So for the first try I bit off 3/4 of a Cheerio and gave him the tiny piece left. Because really, how can a child with no molars chew on a hard Cheerio? Well, he gummed it for a second, then it was gone and he was begging for another. Since the first one went so well, I only bit off half of the next one and gave him the rest. You could hear crunching in his mouth and then it was gone and he wanted more. I gave him half a Cheerio for a while until I finally gathered up the nerve to give him a whole Cheerio. After eating the other half of his Cheerios I realized that it dissolved really easily in my mouth, so he got his full Cheerio. I watched him the whole time waiting to have to do the Heimlich maneuver or something, but he chewed that Cheerio like a champ and started begging for the next.
So now I have a Cheerio eating little boy. It's about to make me cry. Imagine - the mere fact that my little boy can eat Cheerios is making me teary eyed. I've never been so emotional until I had Handsome.
The next step is letting Handsome figure out how to eat the Cheerios on his own. He still hasn't figured out how to get things from his hand to his mouth. He will pick up books and eat them, and really anything he finds goes to his mouth - except actual food. When he got the Cheerio in his hand, he didn't know what to do. He just looked at me and cried for another Cheerio. I'm kinda glad because since he doesn't realize he can eat things he has picked up with his hand, I don't have to worry so much about the small pieces of fuzz on the carpet, or the piece of dirt that came in on someone's shoe. I actually dread the time when he figures out how to feed himself. I know it is coming soon.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
A fun quiz
I found this on Michelle's blog and thought I would try it out as I procrastinate just a little:
It says this about me:
The description is pretty good ... minus the 6:49am part. My brain is just not awake at that time. I do love that time a day when I'm rested and awake though.
I loved the mornings in Ghana. I never set an alarm for two years. I would just magically wake up around sunrise. I would wake up to the birds, the wind, the rays of sunlight, the sound of the girls in their dormitory and the wasps making their nests right outside my window. Of course there was also the sounds of the women singing as they walked by to go cut wood and the dogs running by my window. The guinea fowl liked to roam around my house and that was just not cool. Have you ever heard the guinea fowl when they really get going? They sing in chorus and could wake the dead. Mama goats would leave their teeny tiny baby goats on my porch as they left to go get food. Those goats screamed just like little babies. They were so soft to the touch though and adorable. Roosters would fly up on my ledge about five feet from my perpetually open windows and crow just to mess with me. I'd yell and then you would hear the flutter of his wings just before he let another cry out. Stupid roosters. My house was also near the path to the school for the elementary students so I'd hear them walking by my house and joking and laughing with eachother. Occasionally they would quickly get quiet and you could hear rustling near my window as they tried to peak in and see the white lady. I would just lay there and let them think I didn't know they were looking. But mostly I remember the gentle morning breeze and the steady rising of the sun. That's what woke me up in the morning. Sunrise was always around 6am if I remember correctly.
Ah, memory lane....
It says this about me:
You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy ? it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky.
The description is pretty good ... minus the 6:49am part. My brain is just not awake at that time. I do love that time a day when I'm rested and awake though.
I loved the mornings in Ghana. I never set an alarm for two years. I would just magically wake up around sunrise. I would wake up to the birds, the wind, the rays of sunlight, the sound of the girls in their dormitory and the wasps making their nests right outside my window. Of course there was also the sounds of the women singing as they walked by to go cut wood and the dogs running by my window. The guinea fowl liked to roam around my house and that was just not cool. Have you ever heard the guinea fowl when they really get going? They sing in chorus and could wake the dead. Mama goats would leave their teeny tiny baby goats on my porch as they left to go get food. Those goats screamed just like little babies. They were so soft to the touch though and adorable. Roosters would fly up on my ledge about five feet from my perpetually open windows and crow just to mess with me. I'd yell and then you would hear the flutter of his wings just before he let another cry out. Stupid roosters. My house was also near the path to the school for the elementary students so I'd hear them walking by my house and joking and laughing with eachother. Occasionally they would quickly get quiet and you could hear rustling near my window as they tried to peak in and see the white lady. I would just lay there and let them think I didn't know they were looking. But mostly I remember the gentle morning breeze and the steady rising of the sun. That's what woke me up in the morning. Sunrise was always around 6am if I remember correctly.
Ah, memory lane....
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
TLC
I am watching all the baby delivery shows right now. This is not good. I did this when I wanted to get pregnant the first time and while I was pregnant. I stopped watching them after I had Handsome as I decided I was adopting from that point on, but now I am fully in delivery amnesia, want a baby mode.
I want a girl and I want to name her Marianne. I'd actually like to spell it Maryanne because I think it looks better, but I think Marianne is the more accepted spelling. DH does not like that name. I don't think he's going to let me use it. He has one girl name that he is stuck on and one boy name that he is stuck on. I got him to compromise with Handsome, but I don't know if I can get him to compromise after that. But really, the first name is all I get. The middle name we let his father choose, so I have to have some say in my child's name right??
Ok, I'm done daydreaming now.
I want a girl and I want to name her Marianne. I'd actually like to spell it Maryanne because I think it looks better, but I think Marianne is the more accepted spelling. DH does not like that name. I don't think he's going to let me use it. He has one girl name that he is stuck on and one boy name that he is stuck on. I got him to compromise with Handsome, but I don't know if I can get him to compromise after that. But really, the first name is all I get. The middle name we let his father choose, so I have to have some say in my child's name right??
Ok, I'm done daydreaming now.
I'm a girl!
I just went to Victoria's Secret and got a nursing bra. While I was there I got the "Dream Angels Heavenly" lotion. I just put some on and it is divine. I feel like a girl when I wear this lotion. I don't wear much in the way of perfume because DH doesn't notice, but I think I'm going too now. I LOVE this stuff. If you like lotions from there, they are on sale, so go now!
I need my eyebrows plucked, my hair done, and a date with my husband. That would be just perfect.
I need my eyebrows plucked, my hair done, and a date with my husband. That would be just perfect.
Baby Fever
My son is 10 months old and I've already got baby fever. It just hit in the past few days. I think it's because he is starting to walk. I see pregnant women walking by and I'm jealous.
It's too soon for me to get pregnant again. I still have about 10-15 pounds to lose from my pregnancy with Handsome and I'm just in horrible physical shape. I sit at a desk all day staring at a computer screen. My only walking is to and from my car or the train.
Plus Handsome is not even a year yet. I wanted to get pregnant when Handsome was two so that I would have the second when he is almost three or almost four. That's more than a year from now! I want Handsome to be able to get around on his own before I bring the second child around. (Maybe that's why I have baby fever now since he is already starting to walk and move on his own.)
Financially we couldn't handle for me to be off of work after the second was born. I could probably figure something out - like DH going to work for the three months that I am home to make up the difference - but if I start to work something out then I will start to REALLY think about getting pregnant again soon and that's not what I need to do.
Why do I want another baby so bad when I know this is not the time and I already have Handsome? I think I love Handsome so much that I want to be able to feel that sort of love with another baby. I want Handsome to have a little friend to play with and support.
I just need to wait until DH is almost done with school. Once he can get a job in nursing we don't have to worry so much about finances. I could take my three months off and then go back to work part time. That way I could work on the days that DH doesn't and we could still have enough income and our babies could stay home. If we ever move out of this entirely too expensive area, then I could actually stay home full time.
I REALLY want another baby but I just have to wait. Right now is not the time.
Even as I type that I think of the fact that there is a teeny tiny chance that I could be pregnant right now and I can't help but hope that I am. Unfortunately, I know I'm not. I don't know how I know that, but I know. I just WISH I was.
It's too soon for me to get pregnant again. I still have about 10-15 pounds to lose from my pregnancy with Handsome and I'm just in horrible physical shape. I sit at a desk all day staring at a computer screen. My only walking is to and from my car or the train.
Plus Handsome is not even a year yet. I wanted to get pregnant when Handsome was two so that I would have the second when he is almost three or almost four. That's more than a year from now! I want Handsome to be able to get around on his own before I bring the second child around. (Maybe that's why I have baby fever now since he is already starting to walk and move on his own.)
Financially we couldn't handle for me to be off of work after the second was born. I could probably figure something out - like DH going to work for the three months that I am home to make up the difference - but if I start to work something out then I will start to REALLY think about getting pregnant again soon and that's not what I need to do.
Why do I want another baby so bad when I know this is not the time and I already have Handsome? I think I love Handsome so much that I want to be able to feel that sort of love with another baby. I want Handsome to have a little friend to play with and support.
I just need to wait until DH is almost done with school. Once he can get a job in nursing we don't have to worry so much about finances. I could take my three months off and then go back to work part time. That way I could work on the days that DH doesn't and we could still have enough income and our babies could stay home. If we ever move out of this entirely too expensive area, then I could actually stay home full time.
I REALLY want another baby but I just have to wait. Right now is not the time.
Even as I type that I think of the fact that there is a teeny tiny chance that I could be pregnant right now and I can't help but hope that I am. Unfortunately, I know I'm not. I don't know how I know that, but I know. I just WISH I was.
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