Brace yourself. It's a long one.

I've been busy. Really busy. Can't think straight busy. And that's my excuse. It's valid. I promise.

Junior still isn't sleeping through the night. We took him to his nine month appointment and he hasn't gained weight since he was about four months old. I knew he skinny so I was expecting this. I was actually bracing myself for him having lost weight. He is now in the 20% for weight and 50% for height. He was fine for everything else at the doctor. He actually didn't cry at all - even for a heel prick - until right after they gave him his shot. And then he didn't cry for very long. Handsome was with us though and he did cry even though we told him it was Junior's appointment and not his. I don't know where his fear of the doctor came from.

The day after Junior's appointment we started him on formula. The doctor told us to try milk based formula first and just see if he had a reaction. He seems to be doing ok with it. Diapers are SO much more stinky now. I'm so glad I was able to nurse exclusively for as long as I did. He has been taking the formula without any fuss, but that's how he normally takes food. Food to him is more of an obligation than a pleasure. It's almost as if when you show him food he remembers that he was hungry so he eats just until the hunger feeling goes away and then he's done. He doesn't really care what he's eating so long as it is edible.

Being able to use formula has really reduced the amount of stress I have. Pumping at work has been hard. It's time consuming and it's so frustrating when I only get a couple ounces from an entire work day. Now I'm only pumping once a day. I love that.

I think Junior might just be done nursing too. He doesn't have the time for it. He is too impatient to wait for the let down and is distracted by everything. I will continue to offer for as long as he wants but I don't think it's going to be much longer before he decides that he is done.

Just a few days before Junior turned nine months he started taking steps. He took four steps in a row the first day he tried. Yesterday he took about twelve steps in a row. I love watching how each boy learns. They are such individuals. Junior is very calculated in everything that he does. He will take one step and then balance himself again before he takes the next step. Handsome just leaned forward and took as many steps as he could before he fell on his face. LOL. Handsome was also encouraged by cheering and yelling for him. Junior will stop moving if you start to cheer too loud. He prefers a quiet encouragement while he focuses on his steps. I love it. I love both of them and how they are each their own person.

Talking about love, Handsome will randomly come to wherever I am and tell me that he loves me. Melts my heart every time. Now he will occasionally also say he doesn't like me but that is just to see what reaction he gets. He likes to try on emotions and just see what happens. We read a book at night called "The Pout-pout Fish." He loves it because at the end the fish kisses everyone. He always tells DH to "kiss his baby" so DH will come kiss me. :)

Handsome loves his school. He loves the extra stimulation it provides with toys and learning and friends to play with. There is a book fair at the end of the month and he is very excited about it. He loves books. He brings home his minimally colored worksheets and proudly points out the sticker or the stamp that the teacher put on his paper for completion. He has learned how to write his name and can recognize all the names of the kids in his class. Watching news one day there was a sign for Peyton Manning for something football related. Owen stands up and yells, "Peyton, Mommy! Why do they have Peyton's name?!" I thought, "My child is a genius!" until I remembered that there is a Peyton in his class.

Reading. Owen is starting to read. We have the Bob books and he has read five of them. We only do a couple reading activities a day because he gets bored easily and I don't want reading to be a chore to him. We have read the first books many times and the last ones only a couple times. He's a champ at using the pictures to help him out. We also have cards that my mother made for him. They each have one word for him to read. We do some of those each day - or when we remember.

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Junior. He is me. A male, younger me. I would like to say that he is more stubborn or he is more persistent but really, he is me. God is seriously testing me with Junior. Yesterday he had my temper raging. It wasn't all his fault as there were numerous other aggravations along the way, but he was testing me yesterday and I failed. He knows exactly what he shouldn't be doing and that is exactly what he wants to do. I didn't think a nine month old could be so focused, but apparently they can. I would continually remove him from the situation (e.g., climbing the stairs, opening the cabinet, banging cans on the table, banging the toys on the wall, grabbing the wires) and try to distract him. I would hold him or tickle him or give him a different toy or try to get him to practice walking and nothing worked. If I held him he would scream his angry scream and kick his legs until I let him down. As soon as I let him down he would go right back to what he was doing before. If I stood in front of the stairs or in front of the cabinet so he couldn't climb or open the cabinet, then he would knock on the wall or knock on the table or find a wire. When I walked over to take the toy out of his hand or get him away from the wire, he would go right back to the stairs or cabinet. Food is not a distraction because he doesn't care about food. He'll take a bite and then go right back to doing whatever he wants to do. At one point I took him and Handsome outside to clean up after the dog. He has to see what I am doing so he leans forward and pushes off of me to see all that he can. As a result my wrist hurts from pushing him back constantly and making sure he doesn't fall. (I admit I should have just stuck him in my carrier so I wouldn't have to worry about it but he's not a fan of the carrier because he can't see everything so he screams his angry scream.) HE NEVER GIVES UP.

It's a complete battle of wills between us. I am admittedly stubborn and I can push through a lot of crud to get to where I want to be, but good golly this child is testing me. God is testing me. I'm failing. I was so angry yesterday I just wanted to scream. I wanted to put Junior in his crib, Handsome in his bedroom and just scream and run. I couldn't be patient anymore. On most days I just sigh and redirect Junior for hours. No exaggeration, it's hours. He is incapable of being distracted. He will only move on to something else if it actually peaks his interest more and that's hard to do. I think the only person who can consistently redirect him is Handsome.

Because I recognize so much of myself in Junior, I can empathize. I know how he will feel about what life throws at him. I know the hurts that he is going to encounter. I know that he will likely choose the hard road. When someone tells him he can't do something, he will do it. When someone tells him no, he will figure out how to change the answer to yes. He will do whatever it takes to get to where he wants to be. I know the sacrifices that he will make to get there. I know how high his ideals will be. I want to comfort him and tell him he doesn't have to be so stubborn, but I know it won't change anything.

What I can do is hope. I can hope that having Handsome so close and staying home with DH will help him to adopt some of their characteristics. Both Handsome and DH are highly distractible and just take things as they come. I can hope that Handsome and Junior will be support for each other as they are exactly what the other needs.

I love my boys more than anything. They force me to look inside myself. They force me to become a better person. Their love is priceless.