The mess that is me

Somewhere something went awry. I don't know what, but I must have done something wrong. No, there is nothing tragic, everything is still mostly coasting along, but things just keep happening one after the other.

First of all I've been sick. I've had the stomach flu for almost two weeks now. It has beaten me to the ground. I have been depleted of all energy and all motivation. It has me fearing TTC'ing at all. What if I got sick like this again? I am the only income that we have right now. I am the only person who brings in health insurance. Just the thought of being pg makes me nauseous. It's terribly irrational since my pg with Handsome was perfectly fine, and yet I fear the unknown.

And then the past got drudged up recently. Nothing big, but apparently there are issues that I never dealt with. I don't like that feeling. That feeling of not completely having a handle on things. I've been running away from it for years and yet it keeps randomly coming back. It shouldn't affect me like this.

When I'm sick I'm not a nice person. Poor DH has gotten the worst of it. Problem is that DH handles it by not saying anything and waiting for the storm to pass, and I just want to stand in the rain until the clouds are empty. I may be drenched at the end, but I know exactly when the storm has blown away.

Right now I just want to be taken care of. I want to be held and rocked and soothed until I forget about all the problems that surround me. I want to be absolved of all responsibilities and to let go of every worry and every anxiety. I want to know the future and know the reasons for what happened in the past. I want the scars to disappear.

I almost feel like this may be the calm before the storm. I can only paddle upriver for so long.

Ironically? Work is going great.

Please, Lord, be with my family and I. Keep us healthy, safe, and content. Please guide my decisions in the direction they are meant to go. Please hold my hand and guide me on the right path. Please calm the waters and heal the heart. I love You.