My failure

Handsome had his surgery today. It's been a really long day. I'd love to go into the nitty gritty details, but I can hardly think straight because of lack of sleep and I have two needy boys asking for me. I do want to write some down, so I'll give an overview.

The surgery was at 8am and we had to be at the hospital at 6am. This meant we left the house just after 5am which means my alarm went off at 4:30am. And of course Handsome woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare and came to sleep with us. Plus I was worrying about it so I couldn't sleep anyway. So it was an early morning.

Before the surgery was great. They had toys and Handsome was laughing and playing. Then he picked me to be the parent that went with him to get the anesthesia. I don't do well with hospitals and doctors and the potential of my baby boy having problems during his first surgery. He breathed into the mask like he was supposed to and was calm for 10 counted deep breaths. Then he freaked out. We had to force him to keep breathing it and I kept feeling like I was suffocating him. Very quickly his eyes went back in his head and he went limp. Worst. Feeling. Ever. It meant that the medicine was working properly and they let me kiss his cheek and then I walked out of the room. It took all of the small amount of composure that I have to keep from bursting into tears.

I walked back with one of the nurses to find DH and had to stand there while he talked shop with one of the other nurses. All the while fighting back tears, exhaustion, cramps and knowing dear aunt flow had just arrived to find me unprepared. Perfect storm.

We went to the waiting room to find caffeine and wait the hour and a half for the doctor to come and tell us that Handsome did great and tell us all the potential side effects we could find. At least he finished the conversation by giving us his personal cell phone and home phone numbers in case we needed to talk to him.

And when the called us back to see Handsome? That's the point where I failed as a mother. Handsome had woken up before we got there. He was crying, swaying as if he was drunk, calling for me and reaching out his hands to me. I dropped all the toys I was carrying and went to sit next to him and hold him. He calmed down immediately and even started to doze off. At that point I was ok. But when they started moving all the wires attached to him, it woke him up. I started crying again and trying to rub his eyes and yelling that it hurt. I did what I could, but then I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand watching my little boy in so much pain. I was getting dizzy and nauseated. I told DH to sit next to Handsome and I left. I walked to the nearest bathroom and almost fainted on the way there. One of the nurses actually followed me out to see if I needed anything and I'm sure to make sure that I didn't fall down and faint in the middle of the hallway.

I managed to compose myself and walked back after a few minutes of deep calming breaths. When I came back, I sat on the chair next to the bed and let DH sit with Handsome. Handsome had fallen back asleep by the time I came back.

Back when Handsome was two and fell and busted his lip, I had a similar problem. I don't understand why I can't suck it up and be there for my son. Before I had children, I had no problem with this sort of thing. But now, I just can't handle it.

We drove home and Handsome has been resting on the couch. He has had nausea, but overall he's doing well.

A friend had stayed with Junior while we were at the hospital and I couldn't be more thankful. Junior did well.

So that's my today. I need a few days to recover from this and I didn't even have the surgery.

Handsome has bloody eyes, but he's coping very well. He's had three cupcakes because apparently that makes his belly feel better.