Irony

So after my last post I went back through old emails. It's amazing what I've managed to forget. Now that I am wanting only to be taken care of I find my rants about people taking care of me. I changed the names, but here is an excerpt from an old email correspondance complaining about a guy who just wanted to protect me:

Me:

Ok, maybe he's trying to protect me, maybe he's trying to protect himself.
I don't know. No, things would not be easy, but I don't want someone
telling me lies just to make me feel better. Tell me the truth and I will
deal with it. And don't try to sheild me or shelter me. Let me make
my own decisions for once. Everyone seems to be trying to keep me
safe. They try to keep me from seeing things that I may be too naive, or
too sheltered to comprehend. If people keep doing this, then someday they
won't be there and the world is going to hit me full force. For once, let
me decide for myself whether or not I should see or experience things. How
can I grow and mature in any way if people keep holding my hand to cross the
street? Perhaps this is a slight tangent, but it ties in. Part of
the reason Jack walked away was b/c he thought I was "too good" for him and he
didn't want to stand in my way. You know what, stop. Let me decide
who I want to stand in my way. Let me decide who I think is good for
me. Arg. At least in Africa I will truly be on my own. I will
be allowed to face the difficult situations and I will finally see where I fall
and where I rise.

Male friend:

Protection... Ever since I've known you, people have been protecting you,
it seems like. But then again, you were always younger than the rest of
us, so maybe that was part of it. The same reason Jack was afraid to date
you is the same reason I've questioned my relationship with Jane. I mean,
she's so driven, motivated, and sets such high goals. I just never want to
stand in her way, and I've got such a spotted past, it doesn't compare to the
person that she is. But on the same token, she makes me want to be a
better person, I want to be more like her.

So the very protection that I want today is the protection that I wanted to be rid of seven or eight years ago.

The mess that is me

Somewhere something went awry. I don't know what, but I must have done something wrong. No, there is nothing tragic, everything is still mostly coasting along, but things just keep happening one after the other.

First of all I've been sick. I've had the stomach flu for almost two weeks now. It has beaten me to the ground. I have been depleted of all energy and all motivation. It has me fearing TTC'ing at all. What if I got sick like this again? I am the only income that we have right now. I am the only person who brings in health insurance. Just the thought of being pg makes me nauseous. It's terribly irrational since my pg with Handsome was perfectly fine, and yet I fear the unknown.

And then the past got drudged up recently. Nothing big, but apparently there are issues that I never dealt with. I don't like that feeling. That feeling of not completely having a handle on things. I've been running away from it for years and yet it keeps randomly coming back. It shouldn't affect me like this.

When I'm sick I'm not a nice person. Poor DH has gotten the worst of it. Problem is that DH handles it by not saying anything and waiting for the storm to pass, and I just want to stand in the rain until the clouds are empty. I may be drenched at the end, but I know exactly when the storm has blown away.

Right now I just want to be taken care of. I want to be held and rocked and soothed until I forget about all the problems that surround me. I want to be absolved of all responsibilities and to let go of every worry and every anxiety. I want to know the future and know the reasons for what happened in the past. I want the scars to disappear.

I almost feel like this may be the calm before the storm. I can only paddle upriver for so long.

Ironically? Work is going great.

Please, Lord, be with my family and I. Keep us healthy, safe, and content. Please guide my decisions in the direction they are meant to go. Please hold my hand and guide me on the right path. Please calm the waters and heal the heart. I love You.