My failure

Handsome had his surgery today. It's been a really long day. I'd love to go into the nitty gritty details, but I can hardly think straight because of lack of sleep and I have two needy boys asking for me. I do want to write some down, so I'll give an overview.

The surgery was at 8am and we had to be at the hospital at 6am. This meant we left the house just after 5am which means my alarm went off at 4:30am. And of course Handsome woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare and came to sleep with us. Plus I was worrying about it so I couldn't sleep anyway. So it was an early morning.

Before the surgery was great. They had toys and Handsome was laughing and playing. Then he picked me to be the parent that went with him to get the anesthesia. I don't do well with hospitals and doctors and the potential of my baby boy having problems during his first surgery. He breathed into the mask like he was supposed to and was calm for 10 counted deep breaths. Then he freaked out. We had to force him to keep breathing it and I kept feeling like I was suffocating him. Very quickly his eyes went back in his head and he went limp. Worst. Feeling. Ever. It meant that the medicine was working properly and they let me kiss his cheek and then I walked out of the room. It took all of the small amount of composure that I have to keep from bursting into tears.

I walked back with one of the nurses to find DH and had to stand there while he talked shop with one of the other nurses. All the while fighting back tears, exhaustion, cramps and knowing dear aunt flow had just arrived to find me unprepared. Perfect storm.

We went to the waiting room to find caffeine and wait the hour and a half for the doctor to come and tell us that Handsome did great and tell us all the potential side effects we could find. At least he finished the conversation by giving us his personal cell phone and home phone numbers in case we needed to talk to him.

And when the called us back to see Handsome? That's the point where I failed as a mother. Handsome had woken up before we got there. He was crying, swaying as if he was drunk, calling for me and reaching out his hands to me. I dropped all the toys I was carrying and went to sit next to him and hold him. He calmed down immediately and even started to doze off. At that point I was ok. But when they started moving all the wires attached to him, it woke him up. I started crying again and trying to rub his eyes and yelling that it hurt. I did what I could, but then I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand watching my little boy in so much pain. I was getting dizzy and nauseated. I told DH to sit next to Handsome and I left. I walked to the nearest bathroom and almost fainted on the way there. One of the nurses actually followed me out to see if I needed anything and I'm sure to make sure that I didn't fall down and faint in the middle of the hallway.

I managed to compose myself and walked back after a few minutes of deep calming breaths. When I came back, I sat on the chair next to the bed and let DH sit with Handsome. Handsome had fallen back asleep by the time I came back.

Back when Handsome was two and fell and busted his lip, I had a similar problem. I don't understand why I can't suck it up and be there for my son. Before I had children, I had no problem with this sort of thing. But now, I just can't handle it.

We drove home and Handsome has been resting on the couch. He has had nausea, but overall he's doing well.

A friend had stayed with Junior while we were at the hospital and I couldn't be more thankful. Junior did well.

So that's my today. I need a few days to recover from this and I didn't even have the surgery.

Handsome has bloody eyes, but he's coping very well. He's had three cupcakes because apparently that makes his belly feel better.

Stress

Stress in life never really goes away. I get that. I also get that I need to have ways to effectively deal with that stress. Right now, my way is going to be writing it down to get it out.

We’ll start with Handsome. Handsome has strabismus. We first noticed it right before he turned three years old. It was occasional and not very severe. His right eye would turn in when he would watch TV, ride in the car, or when he was overly tired. The doctor begrudgingly gave us glasses, said we could patch when it was bothering him, and said to come back regularly to make sure it didn’t get any worse.

Around October of 2011, it got worse. Handsome started to cry saying he saw “two mommies” and hitting his eye to try to make it work. We took him to the doctor and they declared that he needed surgery. Also the doctor noticed that now it was not only his right eye turning in, but sometimes his left eye would do the same. So his surgery has been scheduled for two weeks from now. They will detach the inner eye muscles from both eyes and then reattach them. It should take about an hour and then he will be in recovery. I’m still unclear how both eyes are supposed to work immediately after he wakes up and unclear on how I’m supposed to keep my four year old from rubbing his eyes.

Surgery, here we come.

Then there is DH. He graduated from nursing school last May and has been searching for a job ever since. He finally found a job that he is really looking forward to and he starts in March. This is wonderful for so many reasons which I’m sure you can figure out, but then there’s the scheduling. Both of us working full time with no childcare for two kids. Yay time management! Yeah. He will have three 12 hour working days and I’ll likely have four 10 hour working days. I may be able to work before he goes in on a couple days in order to stretch my four days to five, but that’s unlikely. So, that means I’ll get three days that I can spend exclusively with my kids. So, when exactly will I see DH? That is unclear.

New job, here we come.

Then there is my job. There is always something. This time I’m on my last promotion cycle – if I pass. If I don’t pass, then this could potentially go on forever. It’s a lot of extra stress and work and it ends a week after DH starts work. Fabulous.

New promotion, here we come – hopefully.

Dear Junior. He’s a handful. He is a smart, stubborn, strong willed, logical child. That translates into A LOT of work for the rest of us. He can NOT be distracted. If he wants that glass of water, then darn-it-all, he wants that glass of water. Favorite stuffed animal means nothing, cars mean nothing, alarm going off means nothing, removal to the next room means nothing, “no” means nothing, and I’m sure even losing a limb would mean nothing. He is on a mission for that glass of water and nothing will get in his way. It’s that way for everything. We just got back from visiting my parents and that was a whole new batch of things that he could get into. While he was there he managed to accidentally throw a rock into Handsome’s head, leaving Handsome with a huge knot in his head and us having to put ice on it to get the swelling to come down. Junior is very good at screaming as loud as he possibly can and flailing his arms and legs around.

I must say though that Junior is amazing. He sings every song he can remember. His favorite is Barbara Ann (Beach Boys) and he is absolutely adorable when he sings it. He knows all the hand motions for the Itsy Bitsy Spider and Little Bunny Fufu. His language is growing by the day. He gives the best hugs and kisses and has the cutest scrunchy face when he smiles and laughs.

Growing patience, here we come.

Glasses

Handsome had a follow up appointment for his strabismus - eye crossing. DH took him so I got the recap afterwards. This time the doctor was adamant that Handsome wear his glasses everyday. He said that he needs to wear them everyday or his eyes would continue to get worse to a point that we couldn't fix it anymore.

If he has to wear them everyday then we are going to have to get some of the indestructible variety. The types that have been recommended are Miraflex and SoloBambini. They aren't the most attractive glasses, but hopefully they will last longer than the 30min that the current glasses last before he breaks them.

I'm worried that his classmates will make fun of him for his glasses. I had to get glasses at 5 years old. I had a few people call me four eyes, but I don't remember caring all that much about what they said. I think Handsome is different. I think he will care a lot about what the other kids say. I really hope they are nice to him and I hope that he likes the glasses.

My baby's brown eyes

Handsome has the best eyes. They are big and have long lashes and show emotion like no other.

But sadly there is something wrong with his perfect eyes. Feb 21st I noticed that the right eye started to turn in. He would look straight at you with the left eye, but the right eye was doing it's own thing.

We went to the pediatric opthamologist. He told us that his condition isn't severe so we should come back in three months to see if it has gotten worse and then we'll see if there is anything to do at that point. He did give a prescription for when Handsome wants to watch TV - as this is when the turning in is the most prominent. The doctor just didn't seem to be listening to me and treated me a bit like a child. He even answered his cell phone during the grand total of ten minutes that he was talking to us. (Another Dr working under him did all the examination.) I was asking him the cause of his eye turning in and sounded really annoyed that I would even ask.

Handsome's eyes just keep getting worse. Now if I'm standing on the other side of the kitchen and call his attention, his eye will turn when he looks at me. Plus I've started to notice that it's not just the right eye. Sometimes his left eye will get off at the same time. With the progression as fast as it seems, it just seems more severe than that doctor was wanting to concede.

I went ahead and bought glasses for him and I'm hoping that those help. His prescription was not too big. I was prepared for him to have not so good vision as mine sucks, but I've never had any issues with my eyes not working together. This is new.

I'm afraid this will prevent him from doing things he would want to do. Things like play soccer. If he is always required to wear glasses, I don't think it would be safe to be out there playing sports. I'm not sure if contacts would provide the same effect as glasses. I also want him to be able to drive without any problems and be able to read the chalk board in the front of the classroom.

I know this issue is minor compared to more severe problems that he could have. I really do know that. This is just the first thing that has come along to shatter his record of perfect health - minus colds.

And now it makes me worry about Baby #2. Will he be born with something that I can't fix?