Pure Gold Goodness

My failure

2012-01-17T16:09:00.002-06:00

Handsome had his surgery today. It's been a really long day. I'd love to go into the nitty gritty details, but I can hardly think straight because of lack of sleep and I have two needy boys asking for me. I do want to write some down, so I'll give an overview.

The surgery was at 8am and we had to be at the hospital at 6am. This meant we left the house just after 5am which means my alarm went off at 4:30am. And of course Handsome woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare and came to sleep with us. Plus I was worrying about it so I couldn't sleep anyway. So it was an early morning.

Before the surgery was great. They had toys and Handsome was laughing and playing. Then he picked me to be the parent that went with him to get the anesthesia. I don't do well with hospitals and doctors and the potential of my baby boy having problems during his first surgery. He breathed into the mask like he was supposed to and was calm for 10 counted deep breaths. Then he freaked out. We had to force him to keep breathing it and I kept feeling like I was suffocating him. Very quickly his eyes went back in his head and he went limp. Worst. Feeling. Ever. It meant that the medicine was working properly and they let me kiss his cheek and then I walked out of the room. It took all of the small amount of composure that I have to keep from bursting into tears.

I walked back with one of the nurses to find DH and had to stand there while he talked shop with one of the other nurses. All the while fighting back tears, exhaustion, cramps and knowing dear aunt flow had just arrived to find me unprepared. Perfect storm.

We went to the waiting room to find caffeine and wait the hour and a half for the doctor to come and tell us that Handsome did great and tell us all the potential side effects we could find. At least he finished the conversation by giving us his personal cell phone and home phone numbers in case we needed to talk to him.

And when the called us back to see Handsome? That's the point where I failed as a mother. Handsome had woken up before we got there. He was crying, swaying as if he was drunk, calling for me and reaching out his hands to me. I dropped all the toys I was carrying and went to sit next to him and hold him. He calmed down immediately and even started to doze off. At that point I was ok. But when they started moving all the wires attached to him, it woke him up. I started crying again and trying to rub his eyes and yelling that it hurt. I did what I could, but then I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand watching my little boy in so much pain. I was getting dizzy and nauseated. I told DH to sit next to Handsome and I left. I walked to the nearest bathroom and almost fainted on the way there. One of the nurses actually followed me out to see if I needed anything and I'm sure to make sure that I didn't fall down and faint in the middle of the hallway.

I managed to compose myself and walked back after a few minutes of deep calming breaths. When I came back, I sat on the chair next to the bed and let DH sit with Handsome. Handsome had fallen back asleep by the time I came back.

Back when Handsome was two and fell and busted his lip, I had a similar problem. I don't understand why I can't suck it up and be there for my son. Before I had children, I had no problem with this sort of thing. But now, I just can't handle it.

We drove home and Handsome has been resting on the couch. He has had nausea, but overall he's doing well.

A friend had stayed with Junior while we were at the hospital and I couldn't be more thankful. Junior did well.

So that's my today. I need a few days to recover from this and I didn't even have the surgery.

Handsome has bloody eyes, but he's coping very well. He's had three cupcakes because apparently that makes his belly feel better.

Stress

2012-01-06T11:07:00.000-06:00

Stress in life never really goes away. I get that. I also get that I need to have ways to effectively deal with that stress. Right now, my way is going to be writing it down to get it out.

We’ll start with Handsome. Handsome has strabismus. We first noticed it right before he turned three years old. It was occasional and not very severe. His right eye would turn in when he would watch TV, ride in the car, or when he was overly tired. The doctor begrudgingly gave us glasses, said we could patch when it was bothering him, and said to come back regularly to make sure it didn’t get any worse.

Around October of 2011, it got worse. Handsome started to cry saying he saw “two mommies” and hitting his eye to try to make it work. We took him to the doctor and they declared that he needed surgery. Also the doctor noticed that now it was not only his right eye turning in, but sometimes his left eye would do the same. So his surgery has been scheduled for two weeks from now. They will detach the inner eye muscles from both eyes and then reattach them. It should take about an hour and then he will be in recovery. I’m still unclear how both eyes are supposed to work immediately after he wakes up and unclear on how I’m supposed to keep my four year old from rubbing his eyes.

Surgery, here we come.

Then there is DH. He graduated from nursing school last May and has been searching for a job ever since. He finally found a job that he is really looking forward to and he starts in March. This is wonderful for so many reasons which I’m sure you can figure out, but then there’s the scheduling. Both of us working full time with no childcare for two kids. Yay time management! Yeah. He will have three 12 hour working days and I’ll likely have four 10 hour working days. I may be able to work before he goes in on a couple days in order to stretch my four days to five, but that’s unlikely. So, that means I’ll get three days that I can spend exclusively with my kids. So, when exactly will I see DH? That is unclear.

New job, here we come.

Then there is my job. There is always something. This time I’m on my last promotion cycle – if I pass. If I don’t pass, then this could potentially go on forever. It’s a lot of extra stress and work and it ends a week after DH starts work. Fabulous.

New promotion, here we come – hopefully.

Dear Junior. He’s a handful. He is a smart, stubborn, strong willed, logical child. That translates into A LOT of work for the rest of us. He can NOT be distracted. If he wants that glass of water, then darn-it-all, he wants that glass of water. Favorite stuffed animal means nothing, cars mean nothing, alarm going off means nothing, removal to the next room means nothing, “no” means nothing, and I’m sure even losing a limb would mean nothing. He is on a mission for that glass of water and nothing will get in his way. It’s that way for everything. We just got back from visiting my parents and that was a whole new batch of things that he could get into. While he was there he managed to accidentally throw a rock into Handsome’s head, leaving Handsome with a huge knot in his head and us having to put ice on it to get the swelling to come down. Junior is very good at screaming as loud as he possibly can and flailing his arms and legs around.

I must say though that Junior is amazing. He sings every song he can remember. His favorite is Barbara Ann (Beach Boys) and he is absolutely adorable when he sings it. He knows all the hand motions for the Itsy Bitsy Spider and Little Bunny Fufu. His language is growing by the day. He gives the best hugs and kisses and has the cutest scrunchy face when he smiles and laughs.

Growing patience, here we come.

Potty Time

2012-01-06T10:53:00.002-06:00

Hi. Didn't realize it had been quite so long. Should have, though.

Anywho, water under the bridge, right?

Our nightly ritual includes Handsome using the potty right before bath time so that he doesn't get snuggled into bed only to scream down the stairs that he needs to use the potty. Ideally, it works. In actuality, sometimes he just likes to scream down the stairs.

With that being said, Junior watches Handsome do his nightly routine. DH has been putting Junior on the potty each night just to see if he would do anything. He does nothing, but he sits there just like his big brother does because he does everything his big brother does. Everything.

Junior has figured out how to force himself to pee. After his diaper comes off. On the carpet. Because he thinks it's funny. It's not. Well, except for the proud look on his face as he laughs delightedly, jumps as much as a 20 month old can, points to the floor to show off the wet spot and looks at you for your must-be-proud reaction.

He has never managed to pee in the potty though. Until two nights ago. He forced a few drops out and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread (which he doesn't like, but that's a different story). Then last night? He peed in the potty!!! Go Junior, go Junior, go, go, go Junior. (<== must dance along with this part).

So at 20 months old, Junior is starting to potty train himself. Am I going to start actual potty training soon since he has shown such potential? Absolutely not. Nope. No way. Not any time soon. Potty training is stressful, and I don’t need stress right now. I’ll add a post or two about that stress momentarily. Plus, I know Junior. Junior will pee in the potty when he darn well feels like it, and then just to be funny, he’ll save a bit to pee on the ground in front of you. I don’t want to deal with that just yet. I love Junior, but he is stubborn to the nth degree.

Five Minutes

2011-06-20T08:39:00.002-05:00

Um. Hi.

Remember me?

Yeah, it's taking me a while to remember too. But I think I might be getting there. Finally. It may be shaky for a while, but at least I'm headed in the right direction.

I've basically been out of commision for a while, but I have a few minutes to breathe today.

So updates...

DH graduated! Yay!!! He takes his exam for his license in one month. Hopefully he passes the first time and can then get a job this fall. Fingers crossed.

Handsome finished his first year of preschool. We got an evaluation of how he did in school and where his strengths were. He got good marks for all the physical development stuff and most of the academic stuff. He was only lacking in understanding of time concepts. His weaknesses were in following directions and sharing. Yeah. Not entirely a surprise. She said he could share if you gave him a timer and when you told him not to do something he reponds with, "But I want to!" Well, I suppose it's good to know he's the same person at school that he is at home? I'm looking for the positive here. Overall I think he did very well in preschool and I think it has helped him grow by leaps and bounds.

Junior continues to grow. Seriously. He's tall. This is in stark contrast to Handsome who was/is always in the lower percentiles for height. A couple nights ago we put Handsome to bed in 3T and Junior to bed in 2T. One size difference and they are three years apart. Handsome is normally in 4T and Junior is in 18 month clothes, but those are on the tight side for Junior. Junior is still persistent and picks up on things very quickly. He babbles all the time, but I don't know if any of what he is saying is actually the meant to be what the word sounds like. He is pretty good at copying what you say as well. He pinches, hits, kicks, etc, and laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world. Poor Handsome is typically at the receiving end. He laughs easily and has the best hair ever. If you pull out his curls his hair is probably five inches long because I've never cut it, and I don't intend to until I have to. I can't cut his hair myself like I cut DH and Handsome's and he would likely scream if I tried to let someone else cut it, so it's really for the best that I let it grow for a while. At least that's how I'm justifying it.

Next month we are taking a vacation to Florida. I'm excited to have a real vacation and to be able to see family that I haven't seen in years. Some of the family we are meeting there has never even met DH.

Five minutes expired.

I lose

2011-04-05T10:28:00.001-05:00

Ever get the feeling that you lose? That you've been fighting a battle for the life that you've always wanted but you just can't win?

I lose. I'm lost. I'm tired.

I want to sit down and rest. I want a few minutes to myself to regroup.

The Bible says not to worry. That tomorrow will worry about itself. I'm not good at listening to that particular lesson. Well, I'm good at listening, just not at incorporating that into my every day. There were two years where I lived from day to day and was happy for what I had. I didn't live in the past and I didn't wish I was in the future. Those were my two years in Ghana. You know what I loved? I had no expectations. I just took what came to me and people took what came to them. I got to sit on my porch and just write for hours with my dog and my cats and friends would stop by and greet me when the passed. I had limited obligations. I woke with the sun - and the occasional annoying livestock nearby. I was free. My faith was boundless.

I love my family. They are perfect.

I'm just tired.

Junior's Development

2011-02-07T08:45:00.002-06:00

Junior figures things out very quickly. He literally studies things. And he never gives up. Never. There is a cabinet that he is not supposed to open. It has dvds inside. He will saunter on over there, open the cabinet and then turn around and smile at you like he knows that he has done exactly what you don't want him to do. As soon as you spot him, his smile grows even bigger because he knows he was right. If you tell him to close the cabinet, he will. And then he will open it again. Then you tell him to close it, and he will. And then he will open it again. The cycle will continue forever unless you physically remove him from the cabinet. If you don't tell him to close it, then he will reach in and take out as many dvds as he can until you move him.

He got a little kitchen for Christmas. It has a little oven that makes sounds when you open and close it. He will take play food, open the little oven, put the play food in, and wait for the toy to say that the food is ready. Then he will open the oven, laugh, take the play food out, and show you the food he has just prepared. He will do this over and over again.

He loves to climb the stairs. Of course he does. Do you know why? Because he isn't allowed to. He will climb about three steps and then look at you with the knowing smile, just waiting for you to tell him to get off of the stairs. When you tell him to get off the stairs he will laugh and slide down on his belly. Once at the bottom of the stairs, the whole process starts over. It's almost as fun as the cabinet. If you don't tell him to get off the stairs then he will continue climbing until he reaches the top of the stairs.

He is also mostly walking now. He can take over 20 steps in a row, balance himself, stop in the middle and start over again without falling over. Sometimes he chooses to crawl still, but it's either for efficiency or for a game. There is always a reason for what he does. He does things with purpose. When he crawls, he likes to tuck his head underneath him and go as fast as he can. It's his game just to see what he will run into. He laughs when he hits something.

Junior and Handsome are almost inseparable. When I took Handsome to play with friends and Junior didn't come, Handsome almost couldn't bear it. He didn't want me to put gas in the car because Junior wasn't there to sit in the car with him. When we got to his friends, he didn't want to go play because he said we had to go home and get Junior because Junior needed to be there with them. With Junior, I tried to give him a bath without Handsome (we usually bathe them together). It was when Junior had a fever and I wanted to get the fever to go down. Junior typically loves his bath. His favorite part is to splash the water, of course, to see the reaction that Handsome will give him. On the day Handsome wasn't in the tub with him, he was fine until he looked over to where Handsome was supposed to be and didn't see him and looked out the door and saw that Handsome wasn't coming. He started wailing and would not stop throughout the entire bath.

Junior has also almost completely given up nursing. The only time he will nurse is in the middle of the night. The past three nights he has slept through the night so he hasn't even gotten those feedings. It may be the end of his nursing very soon.

Sickies

2011-01-31T07:40:00.002-06:00

Wrote a week or so ago on my phone and never posted:

Handsome got his first stomach virus last weekend. I heard him yell for me on the monitor. He only yelled once, but he never yells for me at 4am unless there is something actually wrong. So I dragged myself out of bed and went to check on him. I heard him mumbling to himself that Mommy and Daddy weren't coming so he had to figure out what to do. I opened the door and asked what was wrong. He said he was all wet. I asked if he had peed assuming I was right. He said, "No. I hiccuped and got wet from my mouth." Eww. I turned on the light and saw where he had just made it to the door and it was all over his clothes. I cleaned him up and called DH to come, partially because Owen said he wanted to show Daddy and partially because I wanted him to bring the cleaning supplies from downstairs.

DH ended up sleeping in Handsome's room to make sure he made it to the potty or the bucket if he needed to and because Handsome was still a little afraid since this was all new to him. I went back to my room to wait for Junior to wake up for his next feeding. Two hours later Handsome was in need of his bucket. The scary part was he seemed to be heaving in his sleep and didn't wake up until DH made him get up and turn to the bucket.

During the day he would act fine until he needed to run to the bathroom. He had very little appetite though and all I could get him to eat was Popsicles and popcorn.

The next morning he called me at seven am and he had throw up in his bed. It looked like he had done it while sleeping again because it was all dry. Luckily though that was the last time and he felt good the next day.

All in all I think our first bout with a stomach virus went well. No one else in the family got it.

Two days ago Junior decided it was his turn to be fussed over. When he woke up from his nap he was feeling warm. When I checked his temp he had a low grade fever. I checked his mouth and he does have at least one tooth coming in - if not two I'm assuming that's where his fever is coming from since he doesn't have any other symptoms. Then yesterday while Handosome and I were out playing, DH sent me a text saying Junior's temp had risen to 102.7.

And now the update:
Junior's fever lasted about three days. After his fever ended he got a rash that covered all of his body but didn't seem to bother him. Doing my typical internet research (that probably isn't a good idea in general) I found that his symptoms matched Roseola (or Sixth disease). It is apparently very common in kids between six months and three years. After about a day his rash was gone and he was doing great.

I checked his mouth and now he has six teeth (three on top and three on bottom) and two more are about to break through (one on top and one on bottom). He is chewing on anything he can get his mouth on.

Around the end of last week it was apparently my turn to get sick. I got a stomach virus. Not sure if it was the same one that Handsome had or not. I spent many hours in the bathroom and ended up with a fever too. DH actually cleaned the bathroom for me because I was truly that sick. He won lots of points for that one. The bathroom was absolutely spotless when he was done. My virus lasted for about 24 hours - maybe a little more - and then I was good again. I thank the Lord for that one because on Saturday I was alone taking care of both boys and that would have been impossible with the stomach virus I had.

I guess it's DH's turn now. We'll see if he gets anything.

Brace yourself. It's a long one.

2011-01-21T08:45:00.001-06:00

I've been busy. Really busy. Can't think straight busy. And that's my excuse. It's valid. I promise.

Junior still isn't sleeping through the night. We took him to his nine month appointment and he hasn't gained weight since he was about four months old. I knew he skinny so I was expecting this. I was actually bracing myself for him having lost weight. He is now in the 20% for weight and 50% for height. He was fine for everything else at the doctor. He actually didn't cry at all - even for a heel prick - until right after they gave him his shot. And then he didn't cry for very long. Handsome was with us though and he did cry even though we told him it was Junior's appointment and not his. I don't know where his fear of the doctor came from.

The day after Junior's appointment we started him on formula. The doctor told us to try milk based formula first and just see if he had a reaction. He seems to be doing ok with it. Diapers are SO much more stinky now. I'm so glad I was able to nurse exclusively for as long as I did. He has been taking the formula without any fuss, but that's how he normally takes food. Food to him is more of an obligation than a pleasure. It's almost as if when you show him food he remembers that he was hungry so he eats just until the hunger feeling goes away and then he's done. He doesn't really care what he's eating so long as it is edible.

Being able to use formula has really reduced the amount of stress I have. Pumping at work has been hard. It's time consuming and it's so frustrating when I only get a couple ounces from an entire work day. Now I'm only pumping once a day. I love that.

I think Junior might just be done nursing too. He doesn't have the time for it. He is too impatient to wait for the let down and is distracted by everything. I will continue to offer for as long as he wants but I don't think it's going to be much longer before he decides that he is done.

Just a few days before Junior turned nine months he started taking steps. He took four steps in a row the first day he tried. Yesterday he took about twelve steps in a row. I love watching how each boy learns. They are such individuals. Junior is very calculated in everything that he does. He will take one step and then balance himself again before he takes the next step. Handsome just leaned forward and took as many steps as he could before he fell on his face. LOL. Handsome was also encouraged by cheering and yelling for him. Junior will stop moving if you start to cheer too loud. He prefers a quiet encouragement while he focuses on his steps. I love it. I love both of them and how they are each their own person.

Talking about love, Handsome will randomly come to wherever I am and tell me that he loves me. Melts my heart every time. Now he will occasionally also say he doesn't like me but that is just to see what reaction he gets. He likes to try on emotions and just see what happens. We read a book at night called "The Pout-pout Fish." He loves it because at the end the fish kisses everyone. He always tells DH to "kiss his baby" so DH will come kiss me. :)

Handsome loves his school. He loves the extra stimulation it provides with toys and learning and friends to play with. There is a book fair at the end of the month and he is very excited about it. He loves books. He brings home his minimally colored worksheets and proudly points out the sticker or the stamp that the teacher put on his paper for completion. He has learned how to write his name and can recognize all the names of the kids in his class. Watching news one day there was a sign for Peyton Manning for something football related. Owen stands up and yells, "Peyton, Mommy! Why do they have Peyton's name?!" I thought, "My child is a genius!" until I remembered that there is a Peyton in his class.

Reading. Owen is starting to read. We have the Bob books and he has read five of them. We only do a couple reading activities a day because he gets bored easily and I don't want reading to be a chore to him. We have read the first books many times and the last ones only a couple times. He's a champ at using the pictures to help him out. We also have cards that my mother made for him. They each have one word for him to read. We do some of those each day - or when we remember.

------------------

Junior. He is me. A male, younger me. I would like to say that he is more stubborn or he is more persistent but really, he is me. God is seriously testing me with Junior. Yesterday he had my temper raging. It wasn't all his fault as there were numerous other aggravations along the way, but he was testing me yesterday and I failed. He knows exactly what he shouldn't be doing and that is exactly what he wants to do. I didn't think a nine month old could be so focused, but apparently they can. I would continually remove him from the situation (e.g., climbing the stairs, opening the cabinet, banging cans on the table, banging the toys on the wall, grabbing the wires) and try to distract him. I would hold him or tickle him or give him a different toy or try to get him to practice walking and nothing worked. If I held him he would scream his angry scream and kick his legs until I let him down. As soon as I let him down he would go right back to what he was doing before. If I stood in front of the stairs or in front of the cabinet so he couldn't climb or open the cabinet, then he would knock on the wall or knock on the table or find a wire. When I walked over to take the toy out of his hand or get him away from the wire, he would go right back to the stairs or cabinet. Food is not a distraction because he doesn't care about food. He'll take a bite and then go right back to doing whatever he wants to do. At one point I took him and Handsome outside to clean up after the dog. He has to see what I am doing so he leans forward and pushes off of me to see all that he can. As a result my wrist hurts from pushing him back constantly and making sure he doesn't fall. (I admit I should have just stuck him in my carrier so I wouldn't have to worry about it but he's not a fan of the carrier because he can't see everything so he screams his angry scream.) HE NEVER GIVES UP.

It's a complete battle of wills between us. I am admittedly stubborn and I can push through a lot of crud to get to where I want to be, but good golly this child is testing me. God is testing me. I'm failing. I was so angry yesterday I just wanted to scream. I wanted to put Junior in his crib, Handsome in his bedroom and just scream and run. I couldn't be patient anymore. On most days I just sigh and redirect Junior for hours. No exaggeration, it's hours. He is incapable of being distracted. He will only move on to something else if it actually peaks his interest more and that's hard to do. I think the only person who can consistently redirect him is Handsome.

Because I recognize so much of myself in Junior, I can empathize. I know how he will feel about what life throws at him. I know the hurts that he is going to encounter. I know that he will likely choose the hard road. When someone tells him he can't do something, he will do it. When someone tells him no, he will figure out how to change the answer to yes. He will do whatever it takes to get to where he wants to be. I know the sacrifices that he will make to get there. I know how high his ideals will be. I want to comfort him and tell him he doesn't have to be so stubborn, but I know it won't change anything.

What I can do is hope. I can hope that having Handsome so close and staying home with DH will help him to adopt some of their characteristics. Both Handsome and DH are highly distractible and just take things as they come. I can hope that Handsome and Junior will be support for each other as they are exactly what the other needs.

I love my boys more than anything. They force me to look inside myself. They force me to become a better person. Their love is priceless.

Handsome's Christmas Program

2010-12-20T09:30:00.001-06:00

Handsome had his Christmas program last week. DH couldn't go because he had his final exam the following morning. Yes, I was upset that he couldn't be there, but I understood why. He did pass his test and his class so I guess it was worth it.

Handsome has been singing his songs for two weeks now at home. He knew all the words, all the tunes and all the hand signs. When he got up there his memory turned into selective memory. He stood in the line with his classmates and stuck his thumb right in his mouth and left it there for the majority of the program. He would bob his head to the beat of the song and turn around to watch the kids singing behind him. When it got to his favorite parts of the songs, his entire demeanor changed. He took his thumb out of his mouth, smiled big and jumped when he was supposed to jump and did the biggest bow you ever did see. When his favorite part ended, the thumb went back in his mouth, he bobbed his head to the beat, and he watched his friends perform.

He said he had fun, so that's what really matters. I managed to video tape his performance while Junior was tied to me, so Handsome has been watching the video of it and singing the entire songs at home

Standing

2010-12-20T09:11:00.003-06:00

Junior is standing. Standing as in not holding onto anything. Standing as in balancing all by himself. Standing as is being able to correct himself to not fall down when he otherwise would. Standing as in, oh crap he's about to start walking.

Junior is eight months old and crawling "super fast" - as Owen would say. He is coming along quite well.

Except for his sleeping. He's been waking up every two hours again. Now he is screaming an angry scream of, "Don't you lie down over there when I'm right here! Pick me up!" Since he's in the room with me, his scream is extra loud. I've been letting him wake up and feeding him because he gets so little milk during the day, but I'm about to reach my limit. Both of us need our sleep and he is eight months old. That should be old enough to sleep through the night. Junior is getting away with alot more than Handsome ever was at this age - in regards to sleeping. I really want to go ahead and put them in the same room, but with Junior still waking up every two hours and Handsome fighting when it's time to go to bed, I think they would just keep eachother up all night long.

Long overdue update.

2010-12-10T15:27:00.001-06:00

I know. I'm behind. Really behind. It's so hard to find a spare moment these days - especially a coherent spare moment. I often think about what I would like to write. There is a lot. I just don't get the chance. I'm going to try to make a quick update. Even if I forget a bunch or repeat something, at least I'll have something written down.

Junior -

Junior is growing and changing every day. He is eight months old now. He has four teeth (and has had them since seven months) and has used them to chomp down on me more than once. He has an awesomely powerful pinch as can be seen by all the red spots on my arms and chest where he got bored or curious while nursing. He can pick up a single grain of rice on the carpet. He often picks up small particles on the ground that he knows he's not supposed to have. He picks them up. Sits down (from crawling) and then smiles and looks at me like, "Yeah, I got it. That's right. I know I'm not technically supposed to have it. What are you going to do about it." Oh yes, the child knows when he is doing something he isn't supposed to. If I'm not looking directly at him, he'll grunt or start babbling to make me look at him and then he smiles the smile that I know means he's up to no good.

He had a good stretch where he would sleep at least a six hour stretch and then a four hour stretch. That period of time passed too quickly. Now he's back to getting up every two hours or so. It's a different cry now though. It's not the reflux, this-is-painful cry anymore. Now it's more of an I'm-lonely cry. He has also decided that 4am or thereabouts is time to be up and playing.

He is a crawling champion. He's darn fast. He pulls up on everything. He can walk along the side of the coffee table, of course holding on with both hands. He has stood up without holding onto anything when he is holding his toy with both hands and not paying attention. It doesn't last long though. If you hold his hands he will walk with you.

He has lost weight. Yes. Lost. Not just evened out, but lost. He's gone down by about four ounces in the past two months. I'm not sure about his height. Now, the only disclaimer I will give to that is that at his last checkup he hadn't pooped in about three weeks, so that backlog could very well have added to his previous weight. Now, per doctor's orders, we give him pears everyday to help with his regularity. In case you were wondering, pears work. He will eat two jars of food and 6-8 oz of cereal each day in addition to nursing when I am home and pumped milk when I'm at work. My supply has dwindled considerably and I'm terrified that he's not getting enough nutrition. He still has tons of energy though, so who knows. You can really tell from his pictures though how my chubby baby has become a slender baby. He doesn't look unhealthily skinny, but it is just a huge difference from where he started and from where Handsome was at this point.

His eczema is still here. It has not gotten as bad as it was when he was a few weeks old, but it is still there. I think that time was so bad because it was infected. Now he just has dry patches all over himself - a few of them are red and require medicine. We put thick lotion on him twice a day and his skin just soaks it up and still dries out. I wish the doctors would test him for allergies to see if we could stop some of this by diet, but they just tell us that his test could be inaccurate. I get that, and I can amend when I need to, but I'd like to relieve his poor skin if at all possible.

Stubborn. The boy is stubborn. There is no distracting him if he wants something. I can't even count the number of times I have to tell him no or redirect him. He knows exactly what he wants. If you take that away, be prepared for screaming. His smiles are not as common as Handsome's are, but when you get them, they are awesome. His giggles are the best.

He can climb the stairs. Scary.

Handsome -

Handsome is doing awesome in preschool. He loves it. On days that he can't go, he cries cause he wants to be in preschool. We got his first criticism from his teacher. She told DH that Handsome has been whining a lot. She said a lot of the students have been lately so they have been trying to work on it. We are reinforcing the "don't whine" rule at home. We were previously, but not as often as we are now. I'm not sure if it's helping anything, but at least he is aware.

Everyday he comes home singing whatever song they learned in school that day. I'm impressed that he can remember all the words to the songs and whatever dance moves they taught with the songs. It is obvious that this is his favorite part of preschool. The teacher said one day that he was reluctant to wear their paint shirt to paint. Crazy kid, right? He does not care at all about art projects. But music? He loves music. They put up a project where they had to color a corn on the cob and glue on the kernels. All the girls had theirs colored in the lines and colored as much of the paper as they could and then the glued on so many kernels you knew there had to be extra layers underneath that you couldn't even see. Handsome? He colored with the crayon the least amount he could possibly do and still have qualified as coloring the paper and glued on the fewest number of kernels in a similar manner. Just by looking at it, I can see the teacher saying, "Handsome, just color a little bit more. Just glue a few more pieces on." And Handsome reluctantly putting more on, but longing to go play with toys or talk to whoever was closest.

Whenever one of the other parents in the class realize that DH or I are Handsome's parents they always say, "Oh you're Handsome's parent? Our child talks about Handsome ALL the time!" Again, I'm imagining Handsome always talking, joking, singing, dancing in class while the rest of the children are working nicely on their art projects.

Handsome seems to have picked two best friends in his class: B and K. B is a little girl and K is a little boy. Those three stick pretty close together. Each day after class, B and Handsome play together at the preschool playground while B's mom and DH and any other parent that is there talk. I got to meet B's mom when I took Handsome with his class to see Santa. She is awesome. Very nice and seemed to be someone I would like to hang out with. Her husband was there too and he was also very nice, but he didn't talk as much, so I don't know much about his personality.

The trip to see Santa was interesting. It was good to be able to see Handsome interact with his classmates. He stuck pretty close to K and B - he spent more time with B though. At first Handsome would not sit with Santa. I guessed that would happen. I finally convinced him to go because we saw K sit with Santa and Mrs. V was sitting in a chair right next to Santa. I got him to stand with Mrs. V and then after giving Santa a high-five he was convinced to sit with him to get a quick picture. It's true that I am anti-Santa, but I'm not going to be actively anti-Santa, just not as pro-Santa. Make sense? I'll tell him the Santa stories if he asks and put the presents under the tree with no name attached so that he can decide for himself if they are from us or from Santa.

When my parents came for Thanksgiving, my mother managed to start Handsome reading. He can read basic three letter words: sat, cat, pig, sit, hat, map, pot, etc. He already knew all the letters and sounds, but we hadn't tried to put anything together before she came. Now my three year old can read - the basics anyway.

His speech skills grow everyday. You can have real conversations with him now. He is still only speaking English though. He's resistant to speaking anything else.

He is wearing his glasses full time now. He has done really well with them. It also helps that they are nearly indestructible. I think the crossing has actually gotten worse though. We are patching at home for a few hours each day. I hope that helps and that this doesn't continue. I always wonder whether he realizes when his eye stops working. I don't think he does.

Handsome and Junior -

These boys play together better than I could have ever hoped for. They both seem to really love each other. Wherever one goes, the other will follow. In the backseat of the car, Handsome will play with Junior until they are both giggling uncontrollably. On the other hand, they always want the same toy. Always. How an 8 month old and 3 year old want the same toy, I don't know, but they do.

I think though that eventually, Junior may be the leader of the two. He's got the stronger personality and Handsome is so easy-go-lucky that I think he'll just go with whatever Junior is passionate about. I could be totally wrong, but that's what it looks like right now.

Me -

I don't even know where to begin about me. I'm stressed. There is just too much going on right now. I don't have time to breathe. I think this is the main cause for my milk supply failing me. I don't have enough time to pump as much as I need to and when I do pump, I can't stop thinking about work. I've started drinking more water and taking supplements to help my supply increase. It may have added another ounce or two to what I get throughout the day, but I'll take whatever I can get. It's beyond frustrating - especially when I see that Junior has lost weight. Honestly I'd really like to stop nursing. I know that's crazy from me who wanted to nurse Handsome until he was two years old and was devastated when he stopped early. With Junior it's just harder: he's losing weight; I'm stressing; I'm losing time at work; he bites; he pinches; he's easily distracted; he nurses too frequently at night. I'll continue for as long as I can, but it's not easy.

While Junior is losing weight, I'm not. I lost about 20 after he was born and then I stopped losing weight. So, this past weekend I joined WW. I've never done a plan like this, but I figured I needed something to kick me in the rear end and remind me how I'm supposed to be eating. I know I've been eating like crap since Junior was born. I've been drinking more coke than ever and eating bags upon bags of oreos - oreos have no milk. Anyway, we'll see how this works out. It's just something else to worry about but I feel like my health needs to be on the to-do list somewhere so I don't think I should give this up.

(Sorry for all the typos)

Climbing Stairs

2010-11-17T10:01:00.003-06:00

Junior climbed an entire flight of staris this past weekend. I was right behind him the whole time making sure he didn't fall, but I just wanted to see if he would make it all the way to the top. He did. He was quite proud of himself.

I may need a new gate now.

Mama

2010-10-17T20:22:00.002-05:00

I think Junior knows what he's saying. If DH is holding him and he sees me across the room he will start with, "Mamamamama!" and start crawling towards me. As soon as he gets to me, he stops, puts his thumb in his mouth and is content - well, as content as he can be. In the middle of the night when he wakes up, it is, "Mamamama!" He will babble with all sorts of sounds, but he is deliberate when he repeats Mama.

I know six months is supposed to be too early for that, but I swear he knows what he is saying.

Milestone Reached

2010-10-15T20:04:00.002-05:00

Junior took a 2.5 hour nap today. He took the nap alone and in his crib. This beats his record by an hour and a half. To make things even better? He slept the same time as Handsome slept.

Six month checkup

2010-10-13T17:32:00.003-05:00

Junior had his six month check up a few days. He was in the 75th percentile for everything. He didn't even gain half a pound from his four month checkup. I thought he had thinned out and sure enough he has. The doctor told me to start feeding him pears and a little bit of prune juice to help make him more regular. Sorry Junior, doctor's orders. I was supposed to give him another suppository yesterday but ran out of time. I let him gnaw on a pear and was expecting some sort of reaction since it was his first food other than breastmilk. No reaction. He couldn't care less. He chewed on it just like he would any other toy and got bored with it just as fast.

The doctor also gave me a stronger prescription for hydrocortisone for his excema. I am going to try harder with the over the counter before I try that.

I also got some gripe water last night. All the mylicon has been recalled so I'm hoping this will help his belly. He slept for four hours after I gave it to him last night so I'm hopeful.

After that four hours he didn't sleep much again. And neither did I. DH helped after 3am but I'm still beyond exhausted. I think my body is getting closer to it's limit. I'm starting to get dizzy all the time and my brain function has seriously declined.

-----

I didn't get to post when I initially wrote this post, so I'll just add on here.

I have given Junior the gripe water a few times now and he seems to actually really like it. I don't know if it helps his belly or not, but I'm going to continue trying for a while.

I gave him the suppository and he didn't produce anything from that. I've given him prune juice and he didn't produce anything from that. I'm wondering now if I'm not feeding him enough? I don't know. I'll continue with the prune juice and see if that gets us anywhere soon.

-----

We finally ordered a crib for Junior. He's been sleeping in the playpen since he was born and that can't be too comfortable. It's all lumpy. We put the crib together today and tonight is his first night sleeping in the crib. He whined for about the first 20 min, but now he's been sleeping for just over an hour. Hopefully the sleep will continue.

I love his crib. It seems much more stable than the crib that we had for Handsome. I love the color too. It's the Graco Shelby Cappuccino. Love it. I put it at the lowest setting though because he is already pulling up to stand and at the lowest setting he can just reach over the top. Apparently that's what the 75th percentile can do for you.

-----

Sorry for the disjointed thoughts. I haven't had sleep in months and that makes thinking challenging.

Talking

2010-10-11T06:48:00.001-05:00

Da da da Ana na na ma ma ba ba na na na

Halloween Bleck

2010-10-08T16:33:00.003-05:00

Halloween is coming up. I know that for many this is a great event. People get fancy costumes and rent scary movies and have festive parties. I admit that I love looking at the costumes that other people have come up with and I love to hear their stories of what happened at the haunted house. Stories of how so and so screamed like a girl and the other guy jumped so high he hit his head.

And that is where my fascination with the holiday ends. Does that make me a fuddy duddy? Meh, that's ok. I've never been terribly creative so my costumes were always a result of me rummaging through my parents' closet to see what I could come up with. I almost always ended up with something farmer related since Dad had a lot of that stuff. Boring with a capital B. I went trick or treating as a kid but it's just a bunch of junk food that I wasn't supposed to eat and I'd end up with a belly ache. I've never liked haunted houses or scary movies because I am a wimp and I see no amusement in scaring myself until I have nightmares.

Now that I'm older and even more boring I think like Halloween less. Costumes have gotten even more elaborate which means I either have to have a lot of cash to waste or I have to be crafty to make my own. I have/am neither. Plus all the troublemakers come out that night so I would prefer to barricade myself in my house. I also have to spend money on a costume for Handsome. I'm cheating this year and using the one I bought last year. It still fits and he likes it.

Fuddy duddy = Me

I'm ok with that.

Glasses have arrived

2010-10-08T07:53:00.002-05:00

We picked up Handsome's glasses yesterday. He looks adorable. They have a brown metal frame. He only had to wear them between nap and bedtime yesterday, but overall he did really well. He only wanted to take them off when he was eating dinner. The rest of the time he said they helped him to see better. I also didn't notice his eyes crossing when he watched TV.

Today DH is sending him to preschool wearing his glasses. I sincerely hope that goes well. I asked DH to tell the teacher that Handsome could take his glasses off for their time on the playground. I'm still afraid of him falling and hurting himself while wearing the glasses but I am also afraid of the glasses breaking or getting lost. Those things are EXPENSIVE.

Complete change of topic - which I'm allowed to do because it's my blog. ;)

Handsome had a bloody nose on Wednesday. It wasn't a lot, but it was there. Weird. Don't know why.

Junior's bowel issues

2010-10-06T20:59:00.002-05:00

I got some glycerin suppositories for Junior. I sat on the floor with a plastic bag under us and gave him the suppository. At first he didn't care, and then... he did. He cried and cried like I was the meanest person in the whole world. And then he cried and pushed like he was giving birth to a his own child. After about eight minutes he was done and talking and babbling like all was well in the world. Let's just say he was much lighter after that experience. And then around 4am this morning he filled another diaper. And then this afternoon he filled another. Hopefully he will be regular again now.

Last night I was up a lot. Again. As is the new normal. Handsome even woke up around 4 or 5am crying, which is very unlike him. I'm assuming he had a nightmare. I held him until he seemed ok and then he went right back to sleep. Meanwhile I was really dizzy. I had to hold onto the wall so that I wouldn't fall down. I'm assuming it is because I haven't had nearly enough sleep. I called DH to come pick up the kids so that I could get some rest, but that was around 7am. and I had been up almost all night.

The past few days

2010-10-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I caught up on some of the household stuff I've been getting way behind on as a result of our crazy schedule. I did many loads of laundry, cleaned the backyard and brushed all the hair our dog is shedding off of him so that it doesn't end up on the carpet anymore. Handsome was kind enough to help me with everything.

In fact for the past few days both boys have been really attached to me. I'm assuming it's because I've had to work so much lately. Junior will cry if DH is holding him and stare me down no matter where I am in the room. He always wants to be near me. Daddy just isn't what he wants right now. I feel like I have about a two foot rope that is tied between my leg and Handsome's leg and as a result Handsome must ALWAYS be right under my feet. I can't even head to the ladies' room without both of them crying for me. I have to admit that I like being wanted/needed/loved so much. DH on the other hand is really getting his feelings hurt. I know this is only a phase and I do like to spread the love around, but I'll enjoy my snuggles and smiles while I can get them.

Anyway, back to Sunday. I gave Handsome a bath before his naptime because we were both all sorts of stinky from being out back. When he woke up from his nap, he felt warm. He had said his head hurt earlier in the day, but I attributed that to the eye issues that he as been having. We make him wear his eye patch and that forces his weak eye to work harder. I know I used to get headaches if I went between wearing glasses and not wearing glasses so I figured that is what happened. He has never complained of his head hurting before though. After his nap when he said his head hurt again, I decided to check his temperature. 102F He had a fever. Bummer. The only other fever he has ever had was during a bad cold he had when he was about eight months old.

I got him a wet rag for his forehead and we sat on the couch together as he just said he wanted to be held. We didn't have any children's tyelenol, but I didn't want to give it to him right away anyhow. He wasn't being lethargic and still wanted to go to the store, so it didn't seem to be bothering him too much. I know a fever helps kill the virus so I wanted to see how it would progress. If it got worse or if he still had it at bedtime, I would give him some tylenol. As it happened, by bedtime his fever had gone down to 99F and he didn't seem to notice it at all. What it did do was give us a peaceful bedtime which doesn't happen too frequently anymore.

Since he couldn't go to preschool the following morning, I decided to take him to get fitted for new glasses. He woke up fever free and we went to try on glasses. They had two varieties that I couldn't decide between: Miraflex and Flexon.

Miraflex is plastic and virtually indestructable. It has no hinges and has a band that goes behind his head to make sure they stay on. I was afraid they would look like toy glasses and they would overwhelm his face. I was also afraid that his lashes would constantly hit the glasses. That used to happen to me as a kid and it drove me nuts.
The Flexon glasses are metal frames that can be twisted and sat on and still return to the original shape. They look more like adult glasses and have a nose piece so that the glasses sit further from his eyes which means no lashes hitting the lens. I was afraid though that the nose piece would be a problem for if/when he falls. And the Flexon was about twice the price of the Miraflex.

I couldn't decide, so I called Mom to decide for me. LOL I'm weak, I admit. Anyway, she said to go for the Flexon because she is really concerned about the social aspect. She is afraid that the other kids would make fun of the other glasses and scar Handsome for life. So on that warning, I got the Flexon. I figure that since it is about to be winter, he will have less of an opportunity to be running around. And a few months from now, I may go ahead and buy the Miraflex as a backup and for the times that he wants to be more rough and tumble.

The glasses should be ready by Thursday and then will begin the adventure of making him wear his glasses full time. While I was buying the glasses I was talking to the woman who sells them - obviously. Anyway, she has been doing the same job for over 20 years. It was a family owned business. I told her about why Handsome needed glasses and she started telling me horror stories. Great, right? She told me about one little girl whose grandmother refused to patch her eye because the girl didn't like it and at 12 years old the girl lost sight in her weak eye. And then there is the story of a little boy whose parents didn't notice and so he didn't get treated. As a result he has a full blown lazy eye now. He can get glasses to help with his sight, but they are litearaly about an inch thick for that one eye and he still can't see clearly. Great. Now I'm worried that poor Handsome is going to end up blind in one eye.

Obviously since we were able to buy glasses on Monday morning, Handsome did not go to preschool. His random fever is completely gone now but he missed his class picture. :'( I was really looking forward to that. I emailed his teacher and she is going to get us a copy of it, but sadly Handsome won't be in the picture. DH took him to his school today to get his individual picture. We don't really need it since I take his picture obsessively, but I'm curious to see how he handles someone else taking his picture.

And now for Junior news.

On Saturday, Junior crawled to the coffee table and pulled himself up to standing so that he could grab something that was on the table. Oh yes, he pulled himself up. My five month old is pulling up to stand. I can't even believe it. My baby was supposed to stay a baby for a little while longer.

And for a little TMI - at least he'll think so when he is older and knows I blogged about it - he hasn't pooped in at least two weeks. The nurse said to give him a laxative. Eww. I went to buy some last night, but the container had already been opened. EWWWW. So we have to take it back. We're also going to buy some Mylicon to see if that helps because Ray massaged his belly yesterday and said Junior farted for about ten minutes straight after that. HAHAHA! I'm glad I wasn't there for that because man do his farts stink!

Junior is also blowing rasberries and saying "bababa" and chewing on his tongue. All very good signs that he is progressing like he should.

His six month appointment is next week.

And in me news.

I got everything done for work that I needed to! YAY!! Talk about a relief. Our house is so much less stresful now.

And in DH news.

He did not pass one of his exams and doesn't know how he did on the other, but he's not hopeful. I am so scared that he won't pass and get his nursing degree. He is so smart, but his school is so unhelpful. The one test that he didn't pass was because he could only miss one element and he missed three. One. And a passing grade on an exam is 78%. Please, Lord, let him pass. We have really struggled to get to this point.

And now that I have written a novel, I'm done. ;)

Pulling up

2010-10-02T20:14:00.002-05:00

Today Junior pulled up on the coffee table. He stood all by himself about three times. I swear he's still just five months old even though he doesn't seem to want to act five months old.

Glasses

2010-10-01T20:21:00.003-05:00

Handsome had a follow up appointment for his strabismus - eye crossing. DH took him so I got the recap afterwards. This time the doctor was adamant that Handsome wear his glasses everyday. He said that he needs to wear them everyday or his eyes would continue to get worse to a point that we couldn't fix it anymore.

If he has to wear them everyday then we are going to have to get some of the indestructible variety. The types that have been recommended are Miraflex and SoloBambini. They aren't the most attractive glasses, but hopefully they will last longer than the 30min that the current glasses last before he breaks them.

I'm worried that his classmates will make fun of him for his glasses. I had to get glasses at 5 years old. I had a few people call me four eyes, but I don't remember caring all that much about what they said. I think Handsome is different. I think he will care a lot about what the other kids say. I really hope they are nice to him and I hope that he likes the glasses.

The girlfriend's name

2010-10-01T20:17:00.002-05:00

As DH picked up Handsome from school today, he asked the teacher if Handsome had any friends in the class. She said yes. His main friend is Emma. Apparently whenever Handsome walks into the classroom she will call him over and tell him to sit next to her. As Mom put it, she may be a little like Peppermint Patty. His other friend is Kevin. Today he did actually tell me his friend was Emma. Not sure if it's because he heard the conversation between DH and Mrs. S.

Ladies Man

2010-09-30T20:30:00.003-05:00

DH and I were talking about Handsome and his preschool. We haven't had much time to talk lately since we have both been crazy busy with work/school. My deadline is tomorrow and by God's grace I managed to get everything done. DH had two tests today.

Anyway, Handsome's teacher always talks to him at the door when he goes to pick up Handsome. I'm assuming she does this with every student, but she may - at this point - pay a little more attention to Handsome because he struggled so much in the beginning. Anyway, she told DH that "the girls just love Handsome!" Great. She said that they would be on the playground and the girls would just follow Handsome around. Great. He's three!! Please tell me I don't already have a problem with girls with him at three years old. Handsome did tell me the other day that he was talking to the girl and he told her his name and then she laughed at him - he thought this was hilarious. Can girls flirt at three? Whenever I ask him what he did at school there is always mention of a girl.

So, apparently he's a ladies man at three.

Sitting up

2010-09-25T10:20:00.002-05:00

I noticed a couple days ago that Junior can now sit up from crawling all on his own.

Last night we will classify as a zero sleep night. He was in his playpen crying/talking/moaning all night. I left him there until I heard the kind of cry that doesn't get better. I must have been completely exhausted though because I slept through some of the noisemaking and I never do that on a normal basis. He finally fell into a deeper sleep around 7am this morning - Handsome woke up at 7:30am. Nice, right?

Handsome now loves preschool. I would like to elaborate, but my time is limited. Just wanted to update.

More Teeth

2010-09-18T14:43:00.002-05:00

I noticed this morning that Junior has his second tooth now.

He's still not sleeping consistently. I have to get up every hour to two hours at night. He has slowed down on the screaming now though and his cry is more of a whimper or normal cry. He still won't nap more than 30-45min at a time though. I don't know why.

Tear Free

2010-09-17T12:44:00.003-05:00

Handsome's report for today at preschool was the best yet. He didn't cry on the way to school at all!! Yay!!! And when DH picked him up he was happy and the teacher said that he did well all day and that he even led the other kids in group activities! Yay!! Now, I'm not clear as to whether it was the teacher who told him to lead or whether he did that on his own, that may be lost in translation forever, but I'll ask for a bit of clarification when I get to talk to them in person tonight. I'm so glad he's finally starting to like preschool. I asked him what he did, but he was yelling the answers, so I couldn't really understand him. I did catch that he colored in pink. LOL.

Oh, and we got our first Scholastic book order form. I used to love those as a kid!

As a small aside about Junior, he is returning to waking up frequently again. I am in desperate need of sleep.

A curl

2010-09-15T20:16:00.001-05:00

Junior always has a curl in the middle of his forehead. It's always there. I love it.

Third and Blessed Day of Preschool

2010-09-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

Oh, the blessed third day of preschool. It is on this day that I shed the most tears, but they were tears of joy.

DH called me after he dropped Handsome off at preschool. Handsome had cried half the way there in the car and then cried as DH carried him into the classroom. DH said he stayed in the classroom for a couple minutes but Handsome would not calm down for anything. Finally, DH had to leave him. Not a good start.

BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

DH just called me. He was standing outside the preschool after picking Handsome up and Handsome was laughing and playing outside on the grass. Handsome was happy. Happy when DH picked him up. One more time, Happy. I cried when DH told me. I asked to talk to Handsome on the phone at the same time I heard Handsome asking to talk to me. He got on the phone and said, "I played with the kids at preschool! I learned I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands (and then it got a bit too muddy to understand)!" I asked him what he learned, "I learned the letters!" What letter did you learn? "I learned ssssss!" Granted, he already knew that, and I doubt they would start at s, but I don't really give a hoot. What I care about is that he was happy and excited to tell me about it.

I love him so much.

And my cup is full.

And here we go again...

2010-09-12T14:55:00.003-05:00

Junior, my five month old baby, is crawling. He's been rolling and lunging and turning for a while, but now he has a legitimate crawl. It is a sloppy crawl right now, but I'm sure he will perfect it soon. Couldn't he remain immobile for a while longer? He also has a sturdy sit. He can sit up for quite a while playing with whatever we put in his hands. When he starts to fall over, he can balance himself with his belly muscles and stay sitting up. The sitting skill is one that Handsome passed over as being too mundane, so this one is new for us.

And now we must go back to making sure there are no choking hazards anywhere on the floor, because if they are there, he will find them.

Oh! And I got a SOLID SEVEN HOURS of sleep on Thursday night!!! It. Was. Awesome.

Second day of Preschool

2010-09-12T14:28:00.003-05:00

For the second day of preschool, I had to wake him up again because he was sleeping later than normal. I made sure he had a significant breakfast (a pb&j of which he ate half) since last time he barely ate anything. I thought maybe a full stomach would make him happier. I made sure to wash him down well so that he didn't have any peanut butter on him before he got dressed for school because they said someone has an allergy - I'm not sure if it's true or if it's just a policy, but I'd rather not risk that. He did tell me multiple times that he didn't want to go to school, but I was able to distract him with talk of the vacuum and snack time.

DH stayed in the car with Junior while I took Handsome inside. I had to carry Handsome this time as there was no way he was going to walk in there on his own. He was ok until we reached the classroom and saw the teachers and he knew I was about to leave him. He clung to me like his life depended on it. I tried to distract him with the vacuum but he was having none of that. I did see a couple other children crying, but nothing like Handsome's cries. The teacher gave me a sympathetic look, told me to be strong, and took him from me. I left, despite wanting to just run back to him and hold him and tell him for the millionth time that everything was going to be ok.

When we came to pick him up, we stood in the line where he could see us. I looked out the door to the playground and saw the teacher holding his hand while he was sucking his thumb and watching the other children on the teeter totter. She knelt down to talk to him and he was nodding his head as he listened to her. Then the lined up and came inside. He saw DH and tried to go to him. The teacher made him go straight to the classroom - as they are supposed to do - and that started the wailing again. We were third in line and I saw him sitting in his chair with his backpack on as patiently as he could until he was told he could come to us. When he was told he could, he walked to Mrs. V who kneeled down and spoke to him for a minute. He listened as best he could through his tears before walking to me so I could pick him up. He told me through sobs that no one hit him today. He just looked defeated. He looked like he was exhausted from the day and he knew he had no choice over whether he went to school or not. His little voice wanted to be happy, but he just couldn't muster it.

The teacher spoke to us for a while - which I'm sure the other parents were growing impatient. She told us that he did cry for a lot of the day. He didn't eat his snack and he didn't play much with the toys. She said that to keep him moving, whenever any child had to go to the potty they would take Handsome as well so that it would keep him moving and not thinking about missing us. Once they got to the hallway and were waiting for the other child he would ask the teacher, "Is that cars out there? Let's go see the cars. Is that grass out there? Let's go see the grass." He knew the direction where Mommy and Daddy last were and that's where he wanted to go so he was trying to trick the teacher into going out that way. She said he was right next to a teacher all day, primarily Mrs. S and they put him next to "two very sweet boys." I'm assuming they were two other slightly timid boys. Mrs. V said he was just very attached to me.

Once we were in the car he calmed down much faster than the first day and he asked for his snack that he didn't eat in the school. He was very disappointed that he didn't still have his yogurt - I'm assuming they opened it, and they couldn't very well put an open container of yogurt back in his bag. He did still have goldfish and his juice - which is really what they call flavored water.

Once we were home he kept telling me that he loved me and telling Junior that he loved him. He said he didn't want to go to preschool, he just wanted to stay home with Mommy and Daddy. He did however start singing a song that I had never taught him. "Two little fishies swimmin' in the sea, one little fishy swimmin in the sea, Can't catch me! Crocodile! Snap!" He did all the hand signals and laughed when he finished. He was singing it all day. He said Mrs. S taught it to him. That one little song was a sign of hope for me. It meant he was paying attention, and the teachers were really trying. From the way he said it, Mrs. S was singing it just for him, but who knows if that's actually the case.

Friday night, though, he did start the crying again. When I went into his room he told me he didn't want to go to preschool anymore. I kept having to return to his room until I promised him that the following morning we would play Chutes and Ladders. He didn't wake up anymore after that. I think I only had to go into his room twice before he fell asleep.

Monday, tomorrow, will be the first time that DH has to drop off and pick up Handsome alone. I really hope this gets easier soon. He really is so social, and I don't know why this is hitting him so hard.

Calling Teachers

2010-09-09T20:57:00.002-05:00

I called Handsome's teachers today. I called Mrs. V first but she didn't answer her phone so I left a message. An hour later, I got impatient because I wanted to talk to someone before his next class tomorrow, so I called Mrs. S. Mrs. S. answered her phone. She said Handsome sat next to her almost all day and she didn't see anyone hit him. She said she saw one girl poke a little boy in the eye, but she didn't think Handsome even saw it. We spoke for about ten minutes and she said she would keep an eye on him tomorrow to make sure nothing happened to him.

Then a few hours later Mrs. V called back. She said she got my message and she had spoken to Mrs. S. She told me most of the same as what Mrs. S. said. She said that when he came in the morning he was fine and played with the toys just like everyone else. She said once it was time to sit in their chairs and she sat everyone down, she looked over at him and he just had a long stream of tears on his cheeks. He didn't make any noise, he just had the tears. She said when she saw that, she made sure Mrs. S went to sit next to him. (Mrs. V being the main teacher and Mrs. S being the support teacher). She said they even had a third teacher there and the third teacher would stay until all the children are used to going to preschool. So that's three teachers with 16 kids. Handsome would be fine for a while and then he would just start to get the tears again. She said he didn't really do any loud crying - until the cries at and after the playground time. She said he lit up when she told them it was snack time. She saw that the prospect of snack time made him happy so she gave him his snack first. He was apparently very happy during snack time except when the girl sitting next to him started to eye his snack. Mrs. V then reminded the class that everyone has their own snack and they don't share snacks unless it is a party day. She asked me what his favorite toys were and said she would make sure that he got time with them in the morning to make sure he was happy first thing in the morning. She also said that after seeing their personalities she was going to change the seating chart to make sure that children sat next to those who they were most compatible with. She said she was planning to put Handsome and a couple other kids up near her so that she could keep an eye on them, and there were a couple other children she was going to put back next to Mrs S so that she could keep an eye on them. It made it sound like poor Mrs S was going to get all the troublemakers and Mrs V was taking all the quieter kids in the front. Handsome's day apparently made a turn for the worse when Mrs V told them they were going to the playground and he remembered that Mommy wasn't there. Then it crescendo'ed when they had to come back inside and he saw all the parents. I'm assuming it's because he couldn't see us (we were around the corner) and all the children had to come back into the classroom before the parents could pick them up.

So after all that, I do feel better. It sounds like he is just really unsure of school, which is completely different from another child bullying him. It also sounds like the teachers were paying attention to him and trying to reassure him. Mrs V also sounded like she thought I was going to pull Handsome from her class and she kept telling me to let him try again and it would get better. She did also mention that she thought he looked young and her and the other teacher checked his birth certificate to see if he was one of the younger students. Nope, he's not. She said she thought it was because he had a round face so it made him look younger.

Today Handsome made up for his lack of sleep yesterday. He took a four hour nap and went to bed without problems. I am hugely relieved that he went to bed easily. I was afraid that he would cry because he knows he's supposed to go to school tomorrow. I even had him help me chose what snack to give him so he knows he's going back. I really hope tomorrow goes better. I pray tomorrow goes better.

Dear Lord, please keep Handsome safe and let him enjoy preschool.

I fail.

2010-09-08T20:38:00.004-05:00

I put Handsome to bed, and then it began. Junior took more effort to put to bed than normal. I almost had him asleep and then I hear Handsome crying in his room. It wasn't a normal cry. It was a fearful cry. Like he was terribly afraid of something. I put Junior down faster than I normally would have and went to Handsome's room. I was afraid he had fallen or hurt himself in some way.

I went to Handsome's room and his whole face was wet with tears. I held him and asked him what was wrong. He said he didn't want to go to preschool because they hit him. Yeah. I deserve mother of the year award. I apparently sent my child to a war zone - preschool style. He is now terrified. I wasn't there, so I obviously don't know what the actual circumstances were. All I know is that my son can't sleep because he is so afraid of the children in his class. He is repeatedly waking up crying.

I'm calling his teacher tomorrow. I don't want to be a pain, but this is my son. If he doesn't like his first experience with school, he is never going to really like school. I have to be able to make sure that he is safe. If some kid is pummeling him at school, I need to know and I will remove him. If it is instead a single hit and he's just afraid because it's his first experience, that is different and we will deal with that as best we can.

Is my kid going to be the kid that is beat up on at school? Is he going to be the weak personality? I've never seen him in that light, but maybe it's because he has always been at home. Maybe it's because I'm blinded by the fact that he's my son. He has never really been afraid of anything until now.

I feel like I've done something terribly wrong. I feel like I've hurt him by putting him in that situation.

How do I make this better??

He's a preschooler

2010-09-08T13:36:00.004-05:00

Today was Handsome's first day of preschool. It was an adventure as I had no doubt it would be.

Handsome typically wakes up between 7am and 7:30am, so of course this morning I woke up at 8am and he wasn't awake yet. I had to go wake him up so that we would all be ready in time for preschool. He was so excited that he didn't want to eat breakfast. He took a few bites of his yogurt and then said that he was done and ready for preschool. DH got him ready as I put my contacts in and got Junior ready to go. When DH went to go get ready, I took Handsome and Junior out on the deck to take pictures (none of which turned out well. Boo.).

We all get in the car and drive to his school. We got there exactly on time when the plan was to get there about ten minutes early. I took a couple more pictures at his school. He was very excited. We went yesterday to meet the teacher and his classmates and he found a toy vacuum in the class. Vacuums are his favorite, so he was very happy to find that. This morning all he wanted to do was get to school so that he could play with the vacuum. We had to wait in line at the door of his classroom so that we could give his forms to the teacher. Handsome kept trying to sneak in before it was his turn because he was eager to get in the classroom. It was finally our turn and he went in without any problem. DH, Junior and I walked away hoping for the best.

At home Junior took a nap, DH studied, and I edited Handsome's pictures. I guess editing the pictures made me feel like he was still at home with us. It felt weird that he wasn't home with us, but I didn't cry. I did get tears, but that's all. I thought he would be ok.

And then it was time to pick him up. We got there about ten minutes early because there was no way I was going to be late on his first day. Everyone was there early and all the parents had formed a line at the door. It was packed. We were further back in the line so we were around the corner and couldn't actually see any of the children. The last 20 min of their schedule is playground time, so they were just coming inside. As they were coming inside I hear one child crying - wailing. I thought, hmm, that cry sounds awfully familiar. DH moved up and peeked around the corner, and sure enough, it was Handsome. He was crying his little heart out. He was the ONLY child crying and he did not care a bit about that. DH asked if we got priority to pick our child up first since he was the one crying. Nope. We had to wait in line and endure the crying. I kind of wanted him to see that the teacher could comfort too, but really I just wanted to hold my baby and tell him everything would be ok.

Finally it was our turn. I was holding Junior, so DH took Handsome from the teacher. He clung to DH like his life depended on it. My poor baby. The teacher said he had done well the whole day. He got a little sad in the morning when he realized we were gone, but they distracted him easily and then he was fine. He had his snack time and loved it. THEN they told him it was time to play on the playground. She said he realized that Mommy wasn't there for the playground and that's when he started the crying. She said don't worry about it, just bring him on Friday and he'll be fine. She was very caring and understanding and I wanted to talk a little longer to her, but I also wanted to get my wailing child out of the building and let the other parents pick up their children.

As soon as we got outside, I traded Junior for Handsome. I held him, told him I loved him and that everything would be ok, and then I asked him why he was crying. Through hiccups and sobs he told me that Mrs. S told him he had to go to the playground but he didn't want to go the playground and that he wanted to go home. He cried all the way to the car and even after I put him in his carseat. He calmed down soon though - enough so that we could go pick up filters on the way home.

In asking him what he did during the day, I got a lot of little snippets. I asked him what his favorite part of the day was. He said he played with the vacuum and vacuumed the carpet (there's no carpet in his room). He said he "sweeped" but when I asked him again, he said, "No, I didn't sweeped! The kids took it away! They didn't share!" He also said, "The kids hit me! That's not nice!" And this is the part where I want to protect him from all the meanies that want to hurt my baby. He needs to learn to stick up for himself and he needs to learn that all kids aren't nice, but he's been so happy that I don't want them to take that away from him. I also don't want him to copy them. I really hope there aren't any mean kids in his class. I know some hitting and not sharing is normal, I just hope no one decides to pick on him. It sounds like he is not one of the more dominant children.

He also said that he "slide" on the playground and that Mrs. V laughed when he "slide." So it sounds like the teachers were trying to get him to play outside even though he wasn't happy about me not being there. He also said he was crying because the time was finished for the playground, so maybe they got him happy and then when they told him it was time to come in, it started over again? He loved snack time too.

I asked him if he wanted to go back to preschool after he seemed to have forgotten about the crying and he said, "Yes! Please! Can we go?! Please!" Then he asked if DH and I could go with him. He wasn't happy when I said no, but he still said he wanted to go. Sadly, I won't be with them on Friday when he goes back. I sincerely hope he does better on Friday. I hope he loves preschool and I hope the other kids are nice to him. I hope he makes friends in his class.

Do you hear that?

2010-09-03T20:09:00.002-05:00

Quiet. It is blissful right now. I don't know how long it is going to last, but I am going to enjoy it while I can.

My kitchen is clean. My floors are vacuumed.

I gave Handsome and Junior their baths together tonight. It was... interesting. I put Junior's baby bath inside the big bath and filled them both up. Junior sits pretty well now, plus he can balance himself on the sides of the little whale bathtub. Only problem was when he wanted to grab his toes so he would lean forward too far and I'd be afraid he was going to face plant in the water. It didn't happen though. He was very content sitting in the water and watching his older brother play with the duck that was very busy flying everywhere. I let Handsome dry himself and put lotion on himself so that I could dry and lotion Junior. Only snag was when Handsome wanted the longer Anansi story and Junior was too tired and cranky to sit through the entire story. Handsome had to settle for the shorter book and I promised to read the longer story to him in the morning.

After Handsome went to sleep, I nursed Junior and put him in his crib (actually the playpen) which as of yesterday is now in my bedroom. We put the white noise machine up there so that when I go to bed, I won't wake him up. Junior fell asleep on cue and is now sleeping upstairs.

DH is downstairs studying.

And me? I am all by myself. Bliss. I love my boys and I love my DH. They are my life. But sometimes I just want to sit alone with my thoughts. I need a few minutes alone each day to relax, but these days I rarely get that. In fact, I'm not sure I've really had that since Junior was born. Well, maybe in the car as I drive to work. And I do have my own office, but alone time at work doesn't really count.

One week from today

2010-09-01T08:08:00.002-05:00

One week from today, Handsome starts preschool.

Preschool.

My baby is starting preschool.

I know he will love it. He is so incredibly social and outgoing that he will love being able to spend that much time with a group of children his age. To him it will just be more people that he can try to impress. It may be scary for him at first since Mommy and Daddy won't be there, but I think he'll get over that quickly. Once he realizes that we will always come back for him, I think he will be fine.

Me on the other hand? How will I handle things? I thought I was going to do fine. I thought I knew that this was a good step for Handsome and was happy knowing I had made the right decision. I thought I had a handle on things. And then I saw my friends sending their children off to school. And just reading their stories I started to tear up. Yeah, I'm gonna cry. I have to hold it together long enough to let Handsome know that everything is fine and then I'm going to turn around and cry. I know this is good for him, but I also know that he is my baby and my baby is growing up. DH is going to laugh at me. He's going to be completely perplexed as to why I am crying. I don't think I could explain it to him if I wanted to. I don't think I can really explain it to myself. I'm sure I'll write a lot more on the day we meet his teachers and the day we drop him off at school and maybe by then I'll be able to verbalize why I'm so emotional about everything. I took two vacation days so that I could be there to meet his teachers and classmates and so that I could drop him off and pick him up on his very first day of preschool. I don't think I could have handled sitting at work and not being there with him for this.

Teeth

2010-08-30T19:46:00.001-05:00

The bottom right tooth has broken through. The teeth are coming. Beware.

Er... Nine months?

2010-08-17T08:29:00.000-05:00

I broke out the nine month clothes for Junior yesterday. He looks much more comfortable now, but it also looks like he won't last long in them and I may have to jump to the 12 month clothes soon.

Do you remember how old Junior is?? FOUR months - not nine.

All of Junior's clothes are the same clothes that Handsome wore (and the same clothes my brother's boys both wore) so that means they each have memories attached to them. These nine month clothes were the clothes that Handsome was crawling around in, pulling up in, and walking in. It's very weird to see clothes that I associate with a highly mobile child on my four month old. Junior is rolling all over the place and scooting to get to things, but definitely not crawling or walking yet.

Junior is his own person. He seems determined to stand out as an individual so that no one says he is just like Handsome.

I love you, Junior. Even though you may look a lot more like your Daddy, you have my personality through and through - both the good and the not so good.

It's funny how things work out like that. I think Handsome looks more like me, but has DH's personality and Junior looks more like DH but has my personality. Of course none of us is exactly the same, but more that we are leaning in the directions I'm describing.

Blissful sleep

2010-08-17T08:12:00.002-05:00

Last night Junior slept for six hours straight again! Woo-hoo! And to make things even better, I got to sleep six hours as well. I did get up once to move him back to where the motion detector could feel him and DH woke me up a couple times cause the chair he sleps in right now makes too much noise when he turns over. BUT I fell back to sleep quickly each time so I'm counting this as a good night's sleep.

Ah, sleep, how I have missed you.

And when Junior woke up, he wasn't screaming. He cried a normal baby cry and it was a wonderful sound.

I don't really know what made him turn a corner like that. Maybe it was the threat of medicine? Maybe he heard my pleas? Maybe he was just as tired as we were? Maybe the keeping him upright for 20min after a feeding really does help? Maybe God heard my pleas? Maybe he likes the new location of his playpen? Maybe he just grew out of the worst of the reflux?

Whatever the reason, I am immensly grateful. Immensly. If I didn't want to lose more sleep, I would throw a party in celebration.

Now we have to pray that this isn't just a fluke couple nights. Also, I am moving him and I upstairs this weekend to my bedroom so we have to pray that the change in scenery doesn't spoil things.

Sleep

2010-08-16T09:49:00.000-05:00

So the night after Junior's doctor's appointment was... difficult. He cried for hours. His reflux seemed worse and he was just plain miserable. As a result, both DH and I were also miserable. He hardy slept at all and he would wake up screaming. I think now that his immunizations contributed to him not feeling well. He's never reacted poorly to immunizations before, and these were all boosters, but I still think they were part of the problem.

The following night was better. I was still up every hour, but at least the crying was less. And then we moved to a couple two hour intervals. We also moved his playpen a little further away and put the motion sensor on him, so that I wouldn't worry about him rolling to his belly in the middle of the night and get him up prematurely.

But last night? Wanna know what happened? He slept for six hours straight!!!!! Woo-hoo! That's the first time he's ever slept that long. Prior to this he's slept about four hours a couple times, but that's it.

I, however, did not sleep for six hours. I was stressed about work and my mind would not slow down no matter how tired I was. Then once I fell asleep his monitor alarm went off because he had rolled off of it. I moved him and slept again. And then the same thing happened again... maybe two more times - it is kinda blurry. The last time the alarm went off I had to get up and ready for work. So I got about four hours total. I hope to get more sleep soon.

Four Month Stats

2010-08-11T17:13:00.002-05:00

Junior had his four month check up today. He was 18 pounds and 25.75 inches long. This put him at 95% for weight and 75% for height. The child is huge. Everything else seemed to be on track. The dr did try to get us on reflux medication, but I don't think it's serious enough for that. She saidwe could also try a teaspoon of maalox before bedtime if we wanted something more mild.

Delirious Laughter

2010-08-10T10:21:00.002-05:00

Delirious = Me.
Laughter = Junior.

No. Sleep. I have had no sleep. Junior has been waking up and crying every hour. This means that I get 30-45min sleep intervals between getting up and feeding Junior. I know I should stop feeding him so often so that he doesn't get hungry and doesn't need to be fed, but he doesn't just cry, he screams. It must be reflux or heartburn - or maybe those are the same things. I don't know. His latch has improved 100 fold. He hardly ever swallows air anymore so I can't blame it on that. When he wakes up screaming he does usually spit up when I pick him up. Last night I asked DH to help hold him which gave me a 1.5 hour interval of sleep, but Junior seems to search for me in particular at night. He will cry if DH holds him and then quiet down fairly quickly once DH hands him to me. It's not the same during the day. During the day he could really care less who is holding him, he just wants to be held and entertained - the entertainment part is preferably done by his brother.

We go to his four month check up tomorrow and I know they are going to tell me not to feed him at night anymore or that we need to give him medicine. I don't want to do either, but I do recognize that something must be done. My body feels like it is going to crash soon from lack of sleep.

Junior, despite the sleep issues, is growing and thriving. He is now starting on the belly laughs. DH will tickle his neck or his chest and Junior will laugh the loudest, heartiest, most contagious laugh. I took a video of it a few days ago and you can hear all four of us laughing at the same time.

Scooter

2010-08-05T21:48:00.003-05:00

Junior is scooting. If you put a toy in front of him, he will roll to his belly and push his legs behind him so that he will scoot forward and get the toy. He is still technically three months old. While I am glad that he is progressing and doing new things, I'm also a little afraid of such a young child being so mobile. I'm also not so happy that he can flip over onto his belly at night while he's supposed to be sleeping. I'm still terrified of SIDS and I haven't figured out how to rig the playpen that he sleeps in to put the motion sensor under where he is sleeping. Just to make things worse DH added that a boy between the ages of 2-4 months is the most likely to have SIDS. Thanks Dear.

And Junior is still getting up every 2 hours at night. I need sleep. Seriously.

On a roll

2010-07-24T07:56:00.002-05:00

And this morning? Junior turned from his back to his belly - many times. Apparently he decided this weekend was the weekend for progress.

Junior makes progress

2010-07-23T22:12:00.002-05:00

Today was a landmark day for Junior. He turned over from his belly to his back twice!! He almost turned from his back to his belly but his pesky arm was in the way.

He is sitting pretty good these days as well. He does have a tendency to kick his legs and then fall on his back or else lean forward too far and fall on his forehead, but if you keep his attention in the right place and don't get him too excited, he can sit for a good amount of time.

He still spits up very frequently and he is the slobber king. His latch is not the best, but no matter how I plea, he won't fix his latch.

He is the size of a six month old. I should start putting him in 9 month clothes so that he has a bit more space to breathe, but I'm in denial.

Time. I need more of it.

2010-07-20T09:06:00.003-05:00

There are not enough hours in the day. Who decided on 24 hours anyway?? And who decided we had to work 8 of them? Eight sounds like a small number, but somehow that number gets s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d and I don't think I ever just spend 8 hours at work. And this is just my job-work. Not my home-work.

So this is a day from my recent "schedule:"

7am - Feed baby
7:30 - shower, get kids ready
8:30 - Leave house
9:00 - arrive at work
7:30 - leave work
8:00 - get home, pump milk for tomorrow while watching kids
9:00 - eat dinner
9:30 - Handsome's bedtime routine begins
10:00 - Feed baby while talking to DH or watching tv
11:00 - bedtime
1:00am - Feed baby
1:30am - Sleep
3:00am - Feed baby
3:30am - Sleep
5:00am - Feed baby
5:30am - Sleep
cycle continues....
(Baby feeding times vary on demand. Lately he's actually been getting up every hour. Don't know what's up with that madness.)

Did you notice how much "me" time is in there??? Yeah, none. Closest I get is about an hour between Handsome's bedtime and the time my body decides it has had enough and I just fall asleep. That time isn't even really my time as I am talking to DH and holding/feeding the baby at the same time. Work time could possibly be considered my time as I sit in my office alone, but I am working to support my family and I just started a rather stressful trial period for a possible promotion in a year and a half, so basically it provides no relief.

So when am I supposed to find time to go to the gym or practice photography? I need both of those for my own health, and I just don't get the opportunity. I keep seeing lessons for a 365 or 52 week photography challenge and I REALLY want to participate so that I can get better and I just can't find enough time. I see people that improve so much in one year and here I am going along at a snail's pace. I get about once a month where I can get a couple hours to practice. I tried to take a picture of Handsome last night and he thought it was funny to run away at the last minute. Yeah, Handsome, very funny. Then I tried to take Junior's picture and he started to cry because it was time to feed him. Then it was time to put Handsome to bed. When I finished there it was time to feed Junior again so that he would fall asleep for his longer sleep period. And at that point I couldn't take a picture of anything else because all the lights in the house needed to be off. GAH.

I know DH is having just as hard a time because he has the kids all day long and the few minutes that he might get he has to spend on school work.

Oh Lord how I need strength.

I spy something...

2010-07-15T08:35:00.003-05:00

So this morning I was feeding Junior and Handsome sat next to me and asked to play a game. I knew he meant that he wanted to play a game on my phone, but it was nowhere near me and I didn't really want him to play a game on there anyway. So I decided to teach him how to play "I Spy;" albeit a modified version. So I would choose a color and he would have to find something in the room with that color and then it would be his turn. He would chose colors before he found something in the room that was actually that color and I would struggle to find something that color. In case you are wondering, there is very little pink or yellow in my living room.

So it was my turn to choose a color and I chose brown. We have lots of wood so I figured he would chose the coffee table or the tv stand. The first time I chose brown he chose the chair that was barely within his line of sight, completely ignoring the ginormous coffee table a mere foot from him. I thought I would give him a second chance to choose the obvious rather than the obscure. His answer: "My toes!"

This was the first time he showed any awareness of skin color. Now I wonder how long it is going to take for him to ask why people are different colors; and especially why Mommy and Daddy look different. He asked DH why his privates were big - meaning bigger than what Handsome had. DH said it was because he was older so everything was bigger. He is definitely starting to notice and become curious about more of the world around him.

Independence Day

2010-07-06T10:53:00.002-05:00

Handsome went to see his first fireworks show on Sunday. We met a couple friends and sat on the lawn of the Pentagon to watch the fireworks in DC. Handsome was more interested in playing games on the iPhone than the actual fireworks display. He was not into the sitting still part either. Maybe it was because we were too far away, but at the same time he did say he didn't like the loud noise, so I'm not sure it would have been any better if we were closer.

I didn't get to see much as I was trying to keep Handsome near us and Junior decided he was hungry. So overall it wasn't one of my best experiences watching the fireworks. And on the way home Handsome peed in his carseat.

I'm hoping it will get better when Handsome is older (and Junior).

Darn Blasted Thumbs

2010-07-03T20:01:00.002-05:00

Handsome is a thumb sucker thru and thru. He was sucking his thumb when I had my first ultrasound, found out how to get his thumb to his mouth within a week of birth, and sucks his thumb to this day. I never really worried about it because I sucked my thumb until I started kindergarten and never had any problems because of it. Handsome however seems to be more serious about it and now has his top front teeth coming out too far in front of his bottom front teeth. And he seems to have a permanent scar on each cheek from scratching there.

I was pretty happy that Junior hadn't found his thumbs yet. He would just stick his entire fist in his mouth or put it to his lips. In the last couple days though, he has found his thumb. Grr. It's not every time that he does it, but enough to see a trend.

On an unrelated note, I broke out the 6 month clothes for Junior. I should have done that a couple weeks ago but I was in denial. He's so tall!

Day 1: Success.

2010-07-01T09:50:00.003-05:00

So yesterday was my first day back to work. It went SO much better than the first day back after my maternity leave for Handsome. I think it's because I knew what to expect and I knew that both Handsome and Junior were in responsible, caring, capable hands. And apparently since I had Handsome, I have figured out how to function on very little sleep. Last time I was in a complete haze for at least a month after I returned to work. Simple conversations were so hard to comprehend, much less trying to accomplish actual critical thinking.

Yesterday I was able to work with a clear head - well, as clear as my head gets - and I didn't cry a single time. Go me! DH said that Junior was a champ. Junior took his very first bottle. He was apprehensive as to what in the world DH was doing at first, but after a bit of milk dripped on his lips, he reached up and grabbed the bottle to try to get it to his mouth. After he finished his bottle he smiled and coo'ed at DH. DH said he smiled after every bottle and was in a great mood all day. He only spit up once the entire day. Junior has a terrible latch normally and I figured the bottle would be easier for him to take. I want him to have breastmilk for many reasons though, so I needed him to keep trying to get a better latch. I was a bit afraid that he wouldn't want to nurse when I came home after having the ease of the bottle all day, but he did. He did so well. So well that now as I'm writing this I'm starting to tear up. LOL. He did eat a lot while I was at work though. I pumped four ounces more than he ate over a 12 hour period and I was hoping to pump a lot more than he ate to help build up the reserves. Oh well.

Talking about reserves, our refrigerator sounds like it is limping along. If our freezer dies and all my milk spoils I will be SOOO upset. We have it covered under the home warranty, but I'm pretty sure they will only come after it dies, not prior to. If I had the money, I would buy a little freezer to put in the basement or in the back so that I would have a back up, but alas I don't have the funds for that.

So how many hours did I work yesterday? Eleven and a half. Nothing like jumping right in, right? I have tons of work that has built up, so I should get to it.

Oh, and DH said that Handsome did really well yesterday too. He was helping DH with Junior all day.

My little ballerina.... err, ballerino?

2010-06-29T15:12:00.003-05:00

I had to blog this so that I will remember to embarrass Handsome about this someday. He was running around the living room in circles with his hands above his head saying, "I'm a ballerina! I'm a ballerina!!" I had to ask him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe that was actually what he was saying. Granted he was about as ungraceful has he could be and laughing as he said it, but mark my words, I'll put him in ballet if he keeps talking about it.

To his credit, he changes daily what he says he is: cowboy, soccer player, football player, drummer, singer, fireman, policeman, dancer, doctor. My dad swears Handsome is going to be an actor someday. I can totally see that happening.

When I was little, I was shy. If my mother dared to ask me to take money to pay for something, I would cower behind her legs and proceed to cry if she pressed me. Handsome is completely the opposite. He will walk up to absolutely anyone. Not a shy bone in his body (unless tired, but those are special circumstances). He will purposefully do something he thinks is funny to get someone else's attention. At the grocery store, he will say hi to everyone that we pass. If they don't hear him or don't acknowledge him, he will repeat himself - just louder. It is definitely forcing me to talk to more complete strangers.

We had him in an ABC class while I was on maternity leave. It was one where either DH or I had to be there with him to help him. He was outgoing as long as he was sure I wasn't going to leave him. We just signed him up for swimming lessons where I think he has to be there without us. I'm hoping the fact that he gets to play in the water will make him forget that we aren't there with him. Then he is starting preschool this fall.

ok... both babies are awake now. must go.

Back to the grind

2010-06-29T14:27:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I head back to work. I could have waited until Thursday, but I looked at our finances and I need as much of a paycheck as I can get. I shouldn't have taken off as much time as I did, but we were expecting DH to be able to work for half of the time that I was home. He got a temp job for two days and that's it. There were no positions open for him. That has really hurt our financial standing - not that it was so great to start out with.

When the economy crashed our house lost more than half of it's value. I'm not sure it will ever get back up to where it was before. Our original plan was to move in 2011 either to a bigger house around here (we have two bedrooms and now there are four of us) or to move back to TX. Now I'm not sure we will ever be able to move. Ever. The bank isn't going to eat a loss of more than 100k and we certainly don't have that in the bank to pay it off. And just to add a little salt, Ray's education is taking longer than we ever planned for, so our well will soon run dry. It is literally making me sick to think that I am stuck here forever. It makes me sick that tax dollars went to save banks and yet they will do NOTHING to help people in my situation.

I need to accept today for all the wonderful things it brings instead of focusing on the negatives. I try, but in the end I continue to focus on financial issues and weight issues and every little negative thing. I look to the future or to the past for the illusive perfect conditions. Prior to joining the Peace Corps, i would always focus on the future and what I needed to do to get there - where ever there was. As a result I paid little attention to the present time. While in the Peace Corps, I soaked in every moment. I loved it. I was happier than I had ever been. Even when I was crying in my living room eating raw noodles for lack of fire to cook with, I was truly living in the moment. And now? Now I either look back to my days in Ghana or I look forward to the days where we will be financially sound and I won't have to work. I can't change jobs because then I couldn't pay bills and we can't move somewhere where the bills would be less because we can't sell this house. Caught between a rock and a hard place as they would say. All the while my parents aren't getting any younger and I would really like to be able to move closer to them. I want my children to get to know their grandparents.

I want to live somewhere that feels like home. I don't know geographically where home is. It may be TX or it may be Ghana. It may even be the same town I'm in now, but in a different neighborhood. What I do know, is that this house that I live in now is not home. It was a stepping stone that ended up being a trap.

So back to the grind I go. I go to work while DH stays home with our children. I desperately want to stay home with the boys. DH desperately wants to get a job to support our family. We are both learning to live with what life has thrown at us. What matters is that we are together and we have two happy, healthy sons.

Junior's Progress

2010-06-17T22:37:00.002-05:00

Junior is doing well. He is talking more than Handsome ever did at this age. He is lifting his head, staying up for long stretches during the day and sleeping for longer stretches at night.

His excema that was cured is now coming back. Grr. I did put the mega lotion on it every day, but apparently that wasn't enough. Now I don't know if I need to lather on more lotion or put on the hydrocortisone to make the outbreak disappear. I should call the pediatrician tomorrow to find out what I need to do.

Junior is an intent stare-er - not sure if that is a word. The boy will stare you down. He will fuss until he has someone or something to stare at. The mobile that Handsome never cared about will keep Junior occupied for quite a while. It seems like he is studying you. He also smiles so easily. If he hears my voice, or DH's or Handsome's, he will smile and coo. His favorite place is to lay on the changing table. Yes, it's a bit weird, but it's just under the fan and in the middle of the room. He loves it.

At his 2 month appointment he was basically 50% for everything.

After weeks of going to the gym...

2010-06-17T22:28:00.002-05:00

So after weeks of going to the gym I am at ... drumroll please... T-60 pounds. I have lost a grand total of 0 pounds. No joke. I am doing cardio for 30 min a day and I have lost no weight. So far it doesn't bother me, but I'm sure it will soon. Even though I haven't lost any weight, I do feel better. I can now get up and down much easier and I feel like I have more energy. For now, that's good enough for me. My vices are Coca cola and Oreos. I should give up both and I'm sure I will... eventually.

I had to buy new clothes today because I'm going back to work in two weeks and I don't fit in any of my clothes and naked isn't a good look for me.

You know what motivates me at the gym? When I see people that are further away from the ideal weight than I am or people that look like they would be less motivated than me. When I see them working their tails off. I see them and think if they can do this then I can do this. Today I saw an elderly couple that looked like they were in their upper seventies and they were lifting weights with a trainer. I also saw two women who were maybe twice my weight working their tails off - pun intended - to lose weight.

Someday I'll lose weight. Right?

Who am I?

2010-06-01T21:54:00.003-05:00

So in all this baby making, I've neglected to take time for myself. With Handsome and now Junior demanding my time and my basic desire to spend time with them, and with my work and DH's school I didn't feel like I had time for myself. When my maternity leave finishes I still don't know if I'll be able to find that time. But I need to. I have to.

After two pregnancies I have an extra 60 pounds on my body that was already too big for my own good. My family has a history of high blood pressure, heart attacks, type 2 diabetes and I'm sure there is more that I just don't know about. I need to focus on me and get back in to a healthy body weight.

As an extra motivator I've noticed I don't get around as well as I used to. Prior to pregnancies I used to sit on the ground without using my hands to brace myself and get back up without using my hands. It's hard to explain in typing, but it just means I had good balance and strong leg muscles. I can't do either of those anymore. I think it is interfering with me being able to play with my children like I should.

I joined a gym last week. It's hard to go, but I feel so much better even from this short amount of time going. Not only do I get to work out my heart and my muscles, but I get time all alone. It is restful even though I'm working out like I haven't in years.

So here we are at T-60 pounds. I wonder if I can continue to work to lose the weight.

Lows and Highs

2010-05-27T04:11:00.002-05:00

I took Junior to the doctor for his rash on his face. The doctor said he had excema that was past the point of being treated just by moisturization and it had a bacterial infection. So he was prescribed hydrocortisone twice a day alternating with a anti-bacterial creme. I almost cried inthe doctor's office. I just felt like I must be doing something terribly wrong with Junior since he seems to be having so many struggles so early in his life. I just want my baby to be healthy n

The medicine has worked wonders in record time. His face has cleared up and is even becoming smooth and soft again. Not only has his face cleared up his stool has turned back into the normal infant yellow. Yay! He is actually sitting still and being happy at the same time. He never really had much happy awake time before. He's also starting to sleep in slightly longer intervals. It is such a relief to see all these signs that he is becoming a happy healthy child.

At the same time we got a surprise trip to the beach! We got a room at a discounted rate that we would never normally get so we packed our things and headed for the water. We have had an awesome time. Handsome has been so excited to play on the water and in the sand and Junior has been lulled to sleep by the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves. Not only have the kids been happy but DH and I have even gotten time to ourselves. We are here with some of DHs friends and they offered to babysit the kids and let us go on a date. Awesome. A Godsend. We went out to eat and I got a crabcake that was one of the best I've ever eaten. It was so good to eat out without having to keep track of any children. I'd forgotten what that felt like.

Everything is good.

Stupid no good allergy

2010-05-23T17:30:00.002-05:00

Stupid no good allergy. I wish I could punch you in the gut and throw you into the gutter. If I could get my hands on you I would get rid of you forever. And really, if there was ever a time I wished I cussed, now would be it.

Junior now has excema. From all that I've read it's because he's allergic to something I'm eating. You know what would be cool? If the excema would spell on his forehead what he was allergic to. A self diagnosing rash.

I bought Aveeno soap and Aquaphor today to try to soothe his skin.

Happy Birthday Handsome!

2010-05-14T13:34:00.003-05:00

My baby, Handsome, is now three years old. I can't believe he's already three. To celebrate we went with one of his best buds - as best a bud he can have at 2 1/2 to 3 - to the zoo. Handsome loved it. He ran around to see as much as he could but made sure his little bud was nearby. He got to feed goats and sheep and almost got to pet a huge turtle - though I don't think he was supposed to. We got to ride behind a tractor and see bison, etc come right up to us.

After the zoo we bought his "birthday bicycle." Again, he was in love. That bike is too cute. It's a Cars bicycle with 12" wheels - the smallest size you can get. He didn't get to ride it until the following day though. At first he just didn't get how to peddle or how to steer. I was thinking he might be too young for the bicycle. But within an hour he had it all figured out. He wasn't as good at the uphill part, my guess is because those muscles had just never been used before, but he got it by the end of the time we spent outside.

After his naptime we went to the bounce house with my mothers group - and his little bud again. Once again he ran around like he just couldn't get enough of it.

I think he had a really good day. Even I had a good time. It was awesome to see Handsome so entertained and joyful, but it was also awesome to get in some adult conversation. I can't remember the last time I got to do that - well, with someone outside my family and in town.

But now we are kinda paying the price. I figured we'd all end up with colds, but hoped against odds. Now we all have colds. It's been mild for everyone so far, but I didn't get any sleep last night because Junior struggling to breathe scared me. DH is at work today, but I'm hoping he'll let me sleep when he gets home.

Oh, and there are cookies and ice cream in my kitchen that I REALLY wish I could eat. Stupid milk.

Ugly Poo

2010-05-12T19:51:00.001-05:00

Ugh. The intricacies of infant poo are beating me. We had to take Junior to the dr because he had blood in his stool. It wasn't a huge amount but it was recurrant and noticeable. The dr guessed that it was either from an allergy to something I was eating or his bad latch was making me bleed and that was going through his system. So she had me get rid of all traces of dairy over this past weekend. That is not an easy task. I haven't seen the blood for the past few days so maybe that worked? I don't know. His poo is also green and yesterday turned into a watery diarrhea. Bleck. What is wrong with Junior's belly?

Junior isalso getting his share of baby acne.

Yesterday he gave me a genuine smile. It was awesome. I can't wait till those are more common.

Handsome has decided that he doesn't like it when Junior cries. He tells us that he doesn't like the noise and demands that we make it stop. I sure wish we could snap our fingers and make Junior happy.

Milk

2010-04-29T10:04:00.002-05:00

Oh milk. How do I hate thee. Let me count the ways.

So I'm allergic to milk. Not REALLY allergic, but still allergic. I get a headache. That's all. Sadly I think Junior may have inherited the allergy. Arg. He has been grumpy, spitting up a lot, and having green mucusy poop. I have been eating a lot of dairy the past few days and I'm afraid that is the culprit. I'm going to try my darndest to reduce the amount of dairy I eat and see if that helps.

On unrelated notes...
Junior has started kind of cooing. It seems early for that but I love it none the less.
We are relying on Disney to get us through times where I have to pay more attention to Junior than Handsome. I feel terrible about it but I don't know how else to do it.
Handsome has been acting pretty well for me but does occasionally tell me that Junior wants to go into his crib - thus freeing me to play with Handsome.

Trusty old swing

2010-04-28T14:47:00.002-05:00

Today was the first time that Junior slept in the swing. I found that the only way he would sit in the swing and not cry was by facing him towards the glass doors so that he could see outside and swinging side to side. Handsome preferred swinging back and forth.

I found out the swing trick while Handsome was taking his nap so I got a good hour or so with empty hands. Yay! I should have slept or cleaned my terribly messy and dirty house but instead I ate ice cream and edited pictures. I'm terrible.

Junior is a spit up baby. He won't open his mouth enough when he's nursing so he swallows a lot of air. I keep trying to het him to open his mouth more and he will for a couple seconds but then he goes right back to what he was doing before.

First punch

2010-04-26T10:28:00.002-05:00

Junior got his first punch in the face from Handsome today. It wasn't on pirpose but I thought I would docent it anyway. It only took a bit over two weeks. Handsome was lying on the couch next to Junior and I and he wanted to tell me something and for emphasis - because he must always add emphasis - he flung his arm into my lap. Junior was of course in my lap and got whacked in the face. There was crying but not much. It wasn't so bad. I'm sure there is much worse to come.

Oh and btw, Handsome woke up at 7am. DH opened his door and promptly went back to sleep. Now I'm downstairs with both. Granted he was up until about 3 am working on the computer and he did hold Junior for a couple hours so that I could sleep. Still, sleeping till noon seems unfair to me. Yes I could send Handsome up to wake him up, but I know he needs sleep and I'd rather he be in a good mood.

Junior is mine

2010-04-24T19:33:00.002-05:00

So in the past few days I can finally see that Junior is mine. I know that sounds weird so let me explain. Handsome has my eyes so it's not hard to look at him and see part of myself looking back at me. Add that to the fact that I've been looking at him for almost three years and I have an image in my head of what my children should look like. I know i would never have children that look identical to eachother but I'm just so used to Handsome that I guess I expected all of my sons to look like him.

Anyway I guess it took two weeks for Junior's face to be etched in my mind. I already had the love and the mother worry but now I have his face etched in there too.

Does this make me a bad mom or is this a normal thing for mothers of more than one boy or more than one girl?

God bless extra hands

2010-04-24T15:50:00.002-05:00

DH held Junior for the first time this morning. I can't begin to express how nice it is to be able to go to the bathroom without having to bring Junior with me. And being able to take a shower without worrying about whether Junior is crying. I love watching DH with him. He is now studying his every little feature.

Are you hungry?

2010-04-24T08:16:00.002-05:00

"Are you hungry Pooh? Alright. Alright. Mommy, I'm feeding Baby Pooh too!" This is what Handsome said this morning as he was sitting next to Junior and I on the couch. He lifted up his shirt and put Pooh there to breastfeed him. Lol. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's a boy and won't be able to breastfeed.

Monitor entertainment

2010-04-22T14:28:00.003-05:00

A couple nights ago I was up feeding Junior and I hear this distinct 'ka-thud' on the monitor. Handsome had fallen out of his bed. I couldn't help but laugh a little to myself. Leave it to Handsome to bring a little levity when I most need it. Then I heard, " mommy?" and he climbed back into bed and fell asleep.

Junior's two week check up

2010-04-21T20:43:00.002-05:00

Junior had his two week check up today. His weight gain is really good. I asked about the bump on his head - from going through the birth canal - and she said it would be quite a while before it goes away because it isn't on a joint. She also commented that his rear is a weird shape. I had noticed it before but didn't know if it was an issue or not. She said his legs moved like they were supposed to so it is likely nothing but we'd keep an eye on it. It's hard to explain but it is just a little crooked right at the top of the 'crack'.

Also today was a big day for DH. Today he became a US citizen!!! Talk about relieving some stress. I'm so glad to be done with immigration. Handsome, Junior and I got to be there for the ceremony.

Junior's umbilical cord finally fell off tonight. DH won't hold Junior until the cord has fallen off and the belly button has healed. I'm SO ready for it to heal now that the cord has finally fallen off. I've been the only person taking care of Junior since he was born and I'm tired. Really tired. I would like to feel a bit less alone in taking care of Junior.

Junior's nights

2010-04-20T15:22:00.002-05:00

So we've been averaging about three hours of sleep at night. Those hours aren't consecutive though. Last night was better though. I was up every hour or two to feed him but he fell asleep between feedings. We've been sleeping on the new recliner couch. He sleeps on my lap. I know it would be better if he was in the basinet but this way we get the most sleep. I haven't slept in my own bed since we got home . Mostly that is because I didn't want to climb up the stairs while my body was still healing.

Talking about healing, this time around has been much easier. Even the so-called labor amnesia has kicked in faster. I know this time hurt more, but for some reason the aftermath seems easier. weird right?

Junior's First Days

2010-04-17T19:59:00.003-05:00

So I'm way behind. I keep meaning to write, but getting the time is hard to do. I'm not even sure how much time I'll have just now.

Our second son, who I think I'll call Junior was born last week.... and is crying on cue right now. Gah. He has a sixth sense to know when I'm trying to do something else.

Junior is different from Handsome. More different than I thought possible. First of all he is taller and skinnier. He is a good three inches or taller than Handsome was at birth. He weighs more but he seems skinnier because of the extra length. He will only eat when he is good and ready to eat - there is nothing that will convince him he is hungry when he is not. His arms actually touch if you stretch them over his head. I didn't know a newborn's arms could do that. It took Handsome maybe six months before his arms could reach each other over his head. When Junior looks around, he looks like he is really studying the place. He's not as quick to grab your hand though - it's more like he will do it just to humor you. He seems to have DH's nose and my jawline. I think he looks nothing like Handsome, but others think he looks just like him, so I don't know if it's a Mom thing that makes me think they are so different or if they actually are.

Handsome has done really wel with having Junior in the house. He always says how he loves his baby brother and how he's so cute. He constantly wants to hold him and kiss him on his head. He has been extra hyper, but that seems to be the only issue the baby has caused. He's also not happy that I haven't been able to do his bedtime routine with him.

Stubborn?

2010-04-14T17:03:00.002-05:00

So my second son was born last week. I keep comparing him to Handsome thinking they should still be so similar since the baby is so young, but they are in fact their each individual personalities. I've been trying to think of a nickname for baby #2 but can't think of anything except Stubborn. It is very accurate as he is the most stubborn child I've ever met. He could not be forced to be born whether by due date or induction. He will only eat when he is darn ready and of course his pregnancy was pretty difficult. I'm thinking though that it wouldn't be very nice to nickname one child Handsome and the other Stubborn. I've got to think of something

I'm being called...

My baby's brown eyes

2010-03-05T12:35:00.003-06:00

Handsome has the best eyes. They are big and have long lashes and show emotion like no other.

But sadly there is something wrong with his perfect eyes. Feb 21st I noticed that the right eye started to turn in. He would look straight at you with the left eye, but the right eye was doing it's own thing.

We went to the pediatric opthamologist. He told us that his condition isn't severe so we should come back in three months to see if it has gotten worse and then we'll see if there is anything to do at that point. He did give a prescription for when Handsome wants to watch TV - as this is when the turning in is the most prominent. The doctor just didn't seem to be listening to me and treated me a bit like a child. He even answered his cell phone during the grand total of ten minutes that he was talking to us. (Another Dr working under him did all the examination.) I was asking him the cause of his eye turning in and sounded really annoyed that I would even ask.

Handsome's eyes just keep getting worse. Now if I'm standing on the other side of the kitchen and call his attention, his eye will turn when he looks at me. Plus I've started to notice that it's not just the right eye. Sometimes his left eye will get off at the same time. With the progression as fast as it seems, it just seems more severe than that doctor was wanting to concede.

I went ahead and bought glasses for him and I'm hoping that those help. His prescription was not too big. I was prepared for him to have not so good vision as mine sucks, but I've never had any issues with my eyes not working together. This is new.

I'm afraid this will prevent him from doing things he would want to do. Things like play soccer. If he is always required to wear glasses, I don't think it would be safe to be out there playing sports. I'm not sure if contacts would provide the same effect as glasses. I also want him to be able to drive without any problems and be able to read the chalk board in the front of the classroom.

I know this issue is minor compared to more severe problems that he could have. I really do know that. This is just the first thing that has come along to shatter his record of perfect health - minus colds.

And now it makes me worry about Baby #2. Will he be born with something that I can't fix?

Kissing the Snowman

2010-02-09T14:19:00.005-06:00

My son and my husband made their very first real snowman at the beginning of this major snow - well, middle of the snow as it seems the snow is never ending. They were both pretty excited about it. I asked Handsome to stand next to the snowman so that I could take their picture together and he said, "No! I kiss the snowman!" No idea why he wanted to kiss the snowman, but he did and I kept thinking I'd get a normal shot after he finished his kissing, but no such luck. LOL. Even so, I thought it was pretty cute that he wanted to kiss the snowman. About 1 minute after this picture was taken, the poor snowman was knocked over. As much as Handsome loved the snowman he is still a little two year old boy and loved the destruction more. Teehee.

Exhausted

2010-01-19T22:26:00.003-06:00

This pregnancy has been trying. Overall I've been healthy, but I have felt, well, crappy. Very crappy. I had morning sickness up to 20 or 22 weeks. Now I'm 29 weeks and I'm feeling sick again. How can this be? I am tired all the time, but I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable. I get restless leg and my back is killing me. Today I was nauseous and dizzy and couldn't sit still because of the restless leg and aching back. Plus to add stress I didn't feel the baby kicking as much as normal. He is still moving around, but not with as much gusto as I'm used to. It's worrying me and I don't know if it should or not.

I want it to be early April and to be holding my healthy baby boy.

Christmas Vacation

2010-01-05T14:18:00.003-06:00

For Christmas we flew to see my parents. Handsome had the best time of his life there.

My parents have 16+ acres and a matching 16+ cows. Handsome loved being able to run in seemingly endless space and explore everything. DH let him get so close to the cows that the big sandy cow licked him more than once. I was fine with him being close until he startled a couple and they did the jumping thing. Handsome would lose that contest if their hooves got too close. Of course everything was fine. He loved to bring the pellets to the cows to feed everyday and DH and Granddad would leave a few for Handsome to throw over the fence. He would hit the cows in the face trying to make the trough and a few would land under the trough so the cows would have to use their long tongues to try to grab them. And the best part about the land? The tractors. He would climb up to the drivers seat and press as many buttons as he possibly could. He'd laugh his deep belly laugh and the joy would just eminate. Granddad took us on a hay ride around the land and Handsome would sit in the back with me until Granddad decided to stop the tractor to show us some new project he was working on. As soon as we stopped, Handsome would jump out the back and climb back into the drivers seat. Projects, schmojects, who cares when you can sit in the driver's seat of a tractor?

Handsome would walk around the place like he had lived there all his life. It was as if he was not meeting new people, but merely seeing the same people he loved and spent time with daily.

Granddad uses a mug to put his orange juice in. The first morning we were there, Handsome went to sit with Granddad and ask him what he was drinking. Granddad made the mistake of letting Handsome taste the orange juice. From that meal on, Handsome would make Granddad share his seat and his juice at every meal. I'd have to get Granddad a second cup to make sure he actually got to drink some of his juice.

Granddad has a fancy electronic keyboard. It will play sample music to let you see what capabilities it has. The first night we were there, we let Handsome sit at the keyboard and turned on the music. Again, heaven for Handsome. He pretended he was playing that music like a pro. He would move his head to the beat and his hands would press keys from one side of the keyboard to the tippy top of the other side. When the song would end he would give a gentle wave of the hand to add that special little flourish. For the first night he sat there for at least 30 min. An attention span for that long for a 2 year old is amazing. He loved that piano. Every day after that he would go and sit to play the piano, though he didn't reach the 30 min mark again. He managed to learn where the buttons were to play his favorite songs and how to turn the volume up and down. We would laugh and clap for him every time.

And then his cousins came. There are four ranging from 2 years to 8 years. He seemed to fit right in. He would follow them around and they would follow him around. He'd laugh at everything and they would laugh at him. When the bigger boys got their tiny legos though, poor Handsome was shut out. He wanted so bad to play with them, but he just couldn't be around the tiny lego pieces. I also felt bad when he would go to hug and kiss them and they would push him away. I know he needs to learn not to hug and kiss so much, but it broke my heart that he was trying to show them that he loved them and they would push him away. At one point they started playing Ring Around the Rosie, and again, heaven. That is his favorite all time song. He knows all the words and would sing just as loud as the bigger kids.

He got books and stuffed animals for Christmas which he did love, but "things" are secondary to him. He is completely a people person and it was all about the interaction with others. We got him a LeapFrog Tag system. It's an electronic pen that basically reads the book for him. Each picture also talks and at this stage he likes the pictures the best.

For the times when he needed to wind down, we put Caillou and Sesame Street onto the iPod and he would sit quietly and watch those. It worked like magic.

Grandma and Granddad also had a tricycle, little car, and big wheels to ride around the porch on. The tricycle and little car took up a majority of his time. He hadn't quite figured out how to use the peddles, but he was getting closer by the time we had to leave.

When we got back home, poor Handsome kept asking (is still asking) to go see Grandma and Granddad. He looked for them at the airport and was very dissapointed when he didn't see them. After his bath the first night home he asked to go hug and kiss his Granddad. He cried major tears when we told him he couldn't. During the day he asks to go put on his shoes, get in the car, and go to see Grandma and Granddad.

I know he misses them, but I also know it was time to come home. By the last couple days he started to whine at most anything and you could tell his little senses were overwhelmed and he needed to be back in familiar territory.

Thankful

2009-11-25T11:41:00.002-06:00

I really am thankful. I forget to say it, and really forget to think about it, but I am thankful. I have been given so much in this life and sometimes I should really reflect on that.

I am thankful for the person that my son is. Sometimes I worry about his development. I hear other moms brag about their child the same age as Handsome being able to ride a bike or read a book or recite the entire alphabet, and I think, why can't Handsome do that? But really, those things aren't nearly as important as the person that Handsome is becoming. Learning the alphabet will come in time and whenever we can actually afford a bicycle I'm sure he'll learn how to ride it like all the neighbor's kids. What I'm truly thankful for is the loving heart that Handsome has. That boy has shown true love from the time he was born. If he hears another baby crying, he will be truly concerned and want to go over to the baby and comfort them. If he sees a child at all younger than him he will go over and pat them on the back or give them a hug. He fears no one and loves everyone. He forgives in an instant. He will sit next to you on the couch, and cuddle in your arms and say, "I love you" without any prompt. He is unashamed of the love he feels for every person around him. He has a little car that he rides on and pretends that he is going to work or going to class and he yells, "Bye Mommy! I go class! Love you!" When he comes back into the room he'll give a big hug and a kiss and say, "I missed you!" One day DH was gone all day because of his school. Handsome didn't see him until 7pm - DH normally stays home with Handsome. When DH came home, Handsome was visibly miffed and said, "I missed you, Daddy." DH, who never cries, got a little choked up and felt terrible for being gone all day. Handsome loves to smile and laugh. The smallest joke will make him laugh so hard that he falls over. He is so filled with love and with joy. I am thankful for the blessing that he is in just being himself.

I am thankful for my second pregnancy. It's been hard this time. I've been sick for about 20 weeks. I've spent many hours in the bathroom and laying down. I must admit that I'm not a pregnancy loving girl. I love the baby and I love that I can be pregnant, but for me the most joyous moment comes when I see the beautiful baby that is the literal embodiment of the love between DH and I. I love seeing the intertwining of my life and my husband's life continue in a new being. All of the pain that my body must endure is nothing compared to the life that we help create. I am thankful for being able to be a mother. I am thankful that I am growing a healthy baby. I am thankful for the little kicks that I feel every day that are like a little secret between my baby and me.

I am thankful that I have a home to live in. I complain constantly about the fact that the value of our house has dropped so low, so fast. I would like the ability to sell it and move closer to family. I realize though, that some people don't have a home to call their own. I do have a home. My son has his own bed to sleep in. I am thankful for a stable roof over our heads.

I am thankful for my job. This one is a kicker. I complain about my job a lot. In the end though, I have a job. The economy right now is not the greatest and many people do not have jobs. I have a job that pays my bills and allows me to travel to see my family. I have a job that I don't have to worry about losing. I have a job that allows me to work a flexible schedule and take care of my son and let my husband attend college full time. I am thankful for the job that I have.

I am thankful for my husband. I can't believe how God has blessed me with DH. He is kind, self-sacrificing, and most of all, he loves me for who I am. He has crossed over the boundaries of the culture that he was raised in and is able to compromise with me to make our family work. Not many people can do that. He stays home with Handsome as a stay at home dad when many men from my own culture would not be willing to do that. When I'm having a bad day - or a bad month - he brings me flowers and writes notes that bring tears to my eyes. He always knows how to make me smile. And did I mention he was incredibly hot? ;)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be spending the day with DH, Handsome, the baby in my belly, and two close friends. Thank You Lord for the gifts You have given me and my family.

And then there were two...

2009-10-04T19:51:00.002-05:00

So I think I've pretty much told everyone, so I can start to talk about it here. We're pregnant! Yay! We are due just before Easter next year. This pg has been much more difficult than the last one was. I've been consistently sick since maybe week 6. I'm slowly starting to get energy back and my stomach is slowly getting better.

Ok, gotta go bathe the boy.

Potty Training

2009-10-04T19:48:00.002-05:00

We started potty training a few weeks ago. He has done really well! I should have been giving updates along the way because I know we'll eventually be going through this again and it's a landmark sort of development, but I've just been so busy that I've completely let this blog go stale. Boo.

Anyway, yesterday he asked to pee in the potty while we were at Best Buy and he actually peed in the potty! I'm so proud of my little boy.

The only thing we are behind on is the pooping in the potty. He will have nothing to do with that. After a couple mistakes on the first couple days of potty training he has been consistently holding it and going when he is waking up from a nap (we still put a diaper on him for sleeping).

My little lion

2009-10-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

As I sit here on the computer, Handsome is sitting in his Daddy's lap wearing his lion costume that we got for him this weekend. To say he loves that costume would be an understatement. He picked it out at the store and carried it around all day once we got home. Today we put it on him in the morning and he roared and played with the little paws. He must keep the hat part on too. It is a must. This morning after we put it on he had to call Grandma and Granddad on the computer (Skype) so that he could show them his costume. So I forgot about the time difference and called and woke them up. They still got up to come to the computer and see him and Handsome roared his best roar and loved every minute of the extra attention. Tonight when he put it on again, we had to call Grandma and Granddad yet again.

Yesterday we went to a bounce party. DH even came so that I wouldn't have to climb everything and bounce with Handsome. Handsome had a blast! On the way to the party the whole time he was saying, "See Carter! See Sam!" Those are his best friends. The whole time we were there he would have to know where his friends were. Then he would see them and seemingly forget about them until he lost where they were again. Friendship among two year olds (or nearly two year olds) is an odd phenomenon.

I wish I had brought a camera to the bounce party. With DH there I finally would have had an opportunity to take pics, but unfortunately I completely forgot. Owen was actually big enough to climb some of the slides all by himself. He had to have encouragement, but he would get up to the top and start laughing with pride. He also found two horses to play on. One was like a bouncy ball in the shape of a horse that he could jump on. He found a green one and was rather attached for a while. Even if he wasn't sitting on it, he didn't want anyone else to sit on it either. Then he found a different horse that I'm not even sure I can explain on here. I've never really seen anything like it. It was a fuzzy horse with wheels on the bottom. If he jumped up and down while sitting on it, it moved almost like a caterpillar moves. He was on that thing forever. We'd just have to redirect him when he got too close to a wall or a baby crawling by.

And then there was the food afterward. He rarely gets sweets in our house - interpret rarely as never. He got a cupcake a the bounce party and the little boy was in heaven. They stacked the odds against him however as they put more frosting on the top than there was cake at the bottom. By the end of it his face was covered in frosting. He did pretty good at not putting it all over his shirt though.

Juice Tantrum

2009-08-29T18:39:00.004-05:00

Last night after Handsome woke up from his nap we told him he couldn't have juice. O.M.G. You would have thought it was the end of the world. He through the longest my exasperated tantrum I've ever seen him throw. Nothing could distract him from his utter desperation for juice. Around the middle of his tantrum he threw a wooden spoon at the refrigerator. That got him into time-out for two minutes. Ironically he was quiet for the entire time he was in time-out. As soon as he was let out of time-out, the tantrum returned.

Finally (after maybe 30min? I didn't actually time it so it could have been like 10 min) he spotted a banana on the counter and asked for the banana. I said ok and gave him the banana and picked him up and walked to the living room with him. He sat in my lap with red eyes and wet cheeks and quietly ate his banana. He only got upset when I pulled out the last of the banana from the peel. He apparently wanted it to remain in the peel, but magically wanted more space to hold onto the banana underneath. No can do, so I just removed it. In retaliation he acted as if he was going to eat the peel. (Now picture me trying not to laugh at my toddler trying to assert himself.)

This all stems from the fact that he is just getting over a cold. When he has a cold I like to give him as much juice (watered down) as he wants so that he can get enough fluids in him. Now that he is getting better, I don't want him to drink quite as much juice so I get tantrums since he is used to getting juice whenever he wants. The tantrums usually don't last too long though.

1, 2, 3, 4, 3!!!

2009-08-03T14:27:00.002-05:00

We have a little counting book that is really for infants, but Handsome thinks it's funny so we go over it every night. It has five pages and counts - obviously - from one to five. I usually just say the numbers and let him repeat after me, but last week I decided to see if he knew any of them, so I just pointed and waited to see if he said the numbers, and HE DID!!! He went all the way from one to five!!! The following night I brought the book downstairs so that Handsome could show off to DH and he got all the numbers right again! And then I decided to record it for my parents to see, and this is what I got, "1, 2, 3, 4, 3!!!" Over and over again. He thought it was pretty funny. Stubborn child.

Are you ever afraid you won't be able to keep up with your child? Handsome can run. And I mean really run. If he takes off, I can catch up with him, but it takes me a little while. I'm afraid in a year or so that if he gets it in his mind to run, then I won't be able to catch him.

Colorful language

2009-07-16T10:11:00.004-05:00

I sure am glad I don't really cuss.

Last night I was giving Handsome his bath and my band-aid apparently fell off in the water. I had what I thought was an infected cut so I obviously didn't want Handsome exposed. Handsome pointed to the band-aid and asked, "That?" I was surprised and without thinking said, "Oh, crap!" Then I hear, Handsome, "Oh, Cap!" Maybe people will think he's talking about a hat.

I told the Cap story to DH after I put Handsome to bed, and he laughed and said earlier that day he said, "Holy, Moly!" to something that upset him, and Handsome responded with, "Holy, Moe!" So DH told Handsome, "Hey, dude, don't do that!" Handsome: "Hey, dude!" Right after DH told me this story, we hear on the monitor, "Hey dude!" And then Handsome cracks up at his own joke. LOL.

Toothbrush

2009-07-15T08:57:00.004-05:00

Oh the teeth. Handsome hates having his teeth brushed. He loves to get toothpaste on the brush and then suck on the toothbrush, and he'll kinda move it around when I ask him to actually brush his teeth. But to brush to the point that he would end up with clean teeth? Not gonna happen. Then if DH or I take the brush and try to brush his teeth he cries like it's the end of the world. I have no idea why it's so tragic for him.

So what is my solution? I wimp out. Terrible, right? I tried to give the task to DH to do in the morning when I'm at work. Does DH do it? No. Do I then brush Handsome's teeth after I give him his bath at night? .... Well .... Sometimes. Once I start, I'll finish, but I tend to conveniently forget. I'm a terrible mother, I know.

He also seems to be in the middle of getting his molars. At least that doesn't seem to bother him.

My aching back

2009-07-13T13:58:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I sat in the middle of the living room while Handsome would get a running start and jump on my back - repeatedly.

Apparently DH and Handsome do this a lot. One of the times he ran into me, he grabbed my hair. Ouch! I said as much, so Handsome asked, "Are you ok?" I was prepared to say yes, but DH said, "No, you hurt Mommy."

So Handsome walked over to me and gently kissed my back - repeatedly. :)

He sings!!

2009-07-07T09:22:00.002-05:00

Every night I sing Twinkle Twinkle to Handsome. He sings with me but rarely gets the words in the right spot or the notes right. I think it's adorable though and we both laugh through the whole song.

Many nights before I start Handsome's bath and bedtime routine, we play La-La-Lullaby. It's on PBS Sprout:

http://www.sproutonline.com/sprout/videos/detail.aspx?program=pajanimals&subset=By_Show
(search for the La La Lullaby)

Sometimes he sits quietly and watches. Sometimes he runs around the room trying to get out the last of his energy. Many - most - times he looks at DH and I and makes sure that we are singing along, because, well, it's a requirement. It's one of the few times DH actually sings along to one of Handsome's songs and Handsome is well aware that this is his one opportunity for DH to sing for him.

So last night? Last night he sat between DH and I and sang the whole song with us!!!!!! He got almost every word in the refrain and was even getting the majority of the notes right!! He stared DH in the face for almost the entire song, seeming to make sure that they were both singing the song together. DH could barely compose himself enough to sing the song because he was so shocked that Handsome all of the sudden could sing the whole song and knew all the words. I was a little more prepared because of our nightly Twinkle routine, but DH had never heard Handsome sing quite like this. Honestly my mouth was just as wide in surprise, but Handsome wasn't staring at me so it was easier for me.

DH gave Handsome a huge hug afterwards and was so proud of him. He said he was going to call his father today to brag on Handsome. He declared that since this showed how grown up Handsome is, his father would reply with, "So when are you having the next one?" Great. No pressure. Really.

Handsome surprises me everyday.

I love my little boy

2009-07-06T12:09:00.004-05:00

Handsome is growing so quickly. He's talking in little sentences and throwing balls and learning new things every day.

Yesterday he kept putting himself in time-out when he did something he knew he shouldn't. He accidentally knocked out the screen in the front window and turned to me with terror in his face and started to cry because he knew he wasn't supposed to touch the screen. I felt terrible putting him in time out for that one, but I think he would have felt worse if I didn't.

Lately he's also just told DH or I that he was "sleepy" and started up the stairs to his room on his own for nap or bedtime.

He can now say, "I love you, Mommy." or "I love you, Daddy" and it's the sweetest sound I've ever heard.

He says "sorry" when he does something wrong, "Please" when he's asking for something and "thank you" when he gets something he wanted. I remember watching friends struggle to get their kids to use manners so this makes me SOO happy. It may be because of my friends' struggle that it happened so easily with Handsome because I put such an emphasis on it after seeing their struggle. We went to buy new clothes for him this weekend and he said "thank you" to the woman working at the counter when she gave his hat back to him. She was so surprised that he said thank you that she brought over her coworker so that he could say it again when she gave him stickers. She asked if she could take him home, and Handsome said "no." LOL I think part of the surprise is that Handsome is still relatively small for his age so he looks younger.

I bought a hat for him this weekend. It's too cute! He used to love wearing his warm hat in the winter, but hasn't had anything since then. As soon as I found it at the store for him, he put it on his head and didn't take it off until bath time that night. He loves hats! I think he mostly loves the reactions he gets when he wears hats. I dote on him as do random passersby. I tried to take pictures, but consistently got the back of his head. He apparently has to be in the mood to have his picture taken.

We didn't go to fireworks this weekend, but on Sunday we watched the neighbors play with the tiny kind you can light in the street. After Handsome got over my over excitement, he enjoyed them too and we sat and ate our beans by the window as we watched the fireworks (this is when he accidentally knocked out the screen).

Handsome apparently scars like DH. He had two mosquito bites on his leg a while back and he scratched the bejeezers out of them and now he has scars all up and down the side of his leg. It's been at least a month or two, so we'll see if/when those fade away.

He also is sporting a farmer's tan right now. His face and the back of his neck are really tan, as is the lower half of his biceps down to his hands. His feet have tan lines in the shape of his sandals. His belly, however, is white.

We taught him the difference between a green light and a red light, so when we're in the car, he has to tell us when the light turns green: "Green! Go! Green! Thank you, green! Yay!! Green." *clap, clap* And when it turns red: "Go? Stop. Green? Ok." *pout* I fear for when he is old enough to drive. Maybe I'll buy him a car that can't go above 50mph. I'll sleep better at night that way.

He loves to kiss boo-boos. If he falls, he'll kiss whatever hurts. If DH or I knock a toe into a corner, he'll be kissing our toes for the rest of the night and asking if it's ok.

He loves group hugs. If he sees DH and I hugging each other he insists on being picked up and hugging both of us at the same time.

He has also taken to randomly, and purposefully, falling off the couches and chairs. He thinks it's funny to fall on his head.

He asks to play with the bubbles so that he can go outside, but once outside he could care less about those bubbles. He'd much rather play in the dirt or yell at the dog next door.

He dances at any and everything. He loves to shake his little booty to any song he hears. When the song ends, he puts a pitiful look on his face, raises his shoulders, puts his hands out to the side and says, "Music? Music finished?"

He's learning the hand motions for the Itsy Bitsy Spider. He gets frustrated when he can't do the spider part and cries until I move his fingers the right way. Let me just say that it's hard to do that backwards.

When DH is bringing in the groceries, Handsome will hold the glass door open for him. He also likes to carry the bags when we're at the store. He watches DH lift weights, so he likes to lift the 5 pound weights and say at the same time, "Up, down, up, down." He thinks it's hilarious.

He is still sucking his thumb ALL the time. If you tell him to take it out of his mouth, he will, but two seconds later he puts it back in his mouth. He's an equal opportunity thumb sucker, so either thumb will do. I think it's adorable, but I also don't want him hurting his teeth because of it.

I love that little boy more than I than I thought I was capable of.

Two days of no sickness!

2009-07-06T12:06:00.003-05:00

For the past couple days I've actually woken up and not been sick! It's been splendid. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be semi-healthy.

So if you were counting, it was more than a month of stomach/intestinal issues. It was no fun.

And the bill from the ER? Also not fun. I even have good insurance, so I can't imagine how hard it must be to pay an ER bill without good insurance. And I now have what seems to be permanent nerve damage in my hand from where the nurse tried to take my blood. If you rub the back of my hand, I feel tingling in my finger. And lucky me gets to pay the hospital for it.

Irony

2009-06-12T18:52:00.003-05:00

So after my last post I went back through old emails. It's amazing what I've managed to forget. Now that I am wanting only to be taken care of I find my rants about people taking care of me. I changed the names, but here is an excerpt from an old email correspondance complaining about a guy who just wanted to protect me:

Me:

Ok, maybe he's trying to protect me, maybe he's trying to protect himself.
I don't know. No, things would not be easy, but I don't want someone
telling me lies just to make me feel better. Tell me the truth and I will
deal with it. And don't try to sheild me or shelter me. Let me make
my own decisions for once. Everyone seems to be trying to keep me
safe. They try to keep me from seeing things that I may be too naive, or
too sheltered to comprehend. If people keep doing this, then someday they
won't be there and the world is going to hit me full force. For once, let
me decide for myself whether or not I should see or experience things. How
can I grow and mature in any way if people keep holding my hand to cross the
street? Perhaps this is a slight tangent, but it ties in. Part of
the reason Jack walked away was b/c he thought I was "too good" for him and he
didn't want to stand in my way. You know what, stop. Let me decide
who I want to stand in my way. Let me decide who I think is good for
me. Arg. At least in Africa I will truly be on my own. I will
be allowed to face the difficult situations and I will finally see where I fall
and where I rise.

Male friend:

Protection... Ever since I've known you, people have been protecting you,
it seems like. But then again, you were always younger than the rest of
us, so maybe that was part of it. The same reason Jack was afraid to date
you is the same reason I've questioned my relationship with Jane. I mean,
she's so driven, motivated, and sets such high goals. I just never want to
stand in her way, and I've got such a spotted past, it doesn't compare to the
person that she is. But on the same token, she makes me want to be a
better person, I want to be more like her.

So the very protection that I want today is the protection that I wanted to be rid of seven or eight years ago.

The mess that is me

2009-06-12T16:44:00.004-05:00

Somewhere something went awry. I don't know what, but I must have done something wrong. No, there is nothing tragic, everything is still mostly coasting along, but things just keep happening one after the other.

First of all I've been sick. I've had the stomach flu for almost two weeks now. It has beaten me to the ground. I have been depleted of all energy and all motivation. It has me fearing TTC'ing at all. What if I got sick like this again? I am the only income that we have right now. I am the only person who brings in health insurance. Just the thought of being pg makes me nauseous. It's terribly irrational since my pg with Handsome was perfectly fine, and yet I fear the unknown.

And then the past got drudged up recently. Nothing big, but apparently there are issues that I never dealt with. I don't like that feeling. That feeling of not completely having a handle on things. I've been running away from it for years and yet it keeps randomly coming back. It shouldn't affect me like this.

When I'm sick I'm not a nice person. Poor DH has gotten the worst of it. Problem is that DH handles it by not saying anything and waiting for the storm to pass, and I just want to stand in the rain until the clouds are empty. I may be drenched at the end, but I know exactly when the storm has blown away.

Right now I just want to be taken care of. I want to be held and rocked and soothed until I forget about all the problems that surround me. I want to be absolved of all responsibilities and to let go of every worry and every anxiety. I want to know the future and know the reasons for what happened in the past. I want the scars to disappear.

I almost feel like this may be the calm before the storm. I can only paddle upriver for so long.

Ironically? Work is going great.

Please, Lord, be with my family and I. Keep us healthy, safe, and content. Please guide my decisions in the direction they are meant to go. Please hold my hand and guide me on the right path. Please calm the waters and heal the heart. I love You.

My favorite sounds

2009-05-16T13:31:00.003-05:00

Things that I love that Handsome says:

"Hold you!" - When he wants to be held, he holds up his hands and says, "Hold You!" Adorable

"Bubbles!" - When he says bubbles, he sticks out his little lips like he's going to kiss you.

"Thank you!" - When he gets his milk or whatever he wanted he always says thank you.

"You're welcome!" - When we say you're welcome he has to repeat it.

"Please!" - If his first request doesn't work, he starts in with the please...

"Mommy!" - He finally started regularly saying mommy a couple weeks ago. It sounds a little like mimi, but I'll take it.

"Night Night!" - He knows when it's bedtime.

"La la" - We watch La La Lullaby on Sprout at night. Not every night, but enough to where he knows when it's coming and says la la.

"I fall!" - He says this when pointing to his most recent wound, but also whenever he falls... which happens often.

"I got you!" - He got this from a game that he and DH play. He'll come up and grab you and say I got you.

"Kiss!" - When he wants a kiss he'll ask for it.

"Music!" - He takes after his father and always wants music playing.

Two Year Check-up

2009-05-14T21:36:00.003-05:00

Handsome had a check-up today. He's in the 60% for weight (29 lbs) and 35% for height (33in) and his head is 95%.

Remember his vocabulary that was so behind and we had to go to extra doctor's appointments because of it? She said today that he is actually now advanced in his language. Yay!! She said he is very expressive. Yay! The other day I was reading a book that Handsome didn't want so he got out of my lap and walked around to get the book he wanted. When he came back he held the book out to me and said, "I got a book!" I even asked him to repeat himself a couple times cause I couldn't believe it. He's got over 100 words, but most of his words are in English and DH isn't too pleased with that.

And because I don't want to write again:

Handsome fell last night. About 20 min after I got home I took him downstairs so he could play on his new slide, but instead he chased after his ball and tripped and fell and hit the corner of the wall squarely on his little lip. It cut it right open. The blood was just pouring out and it scared the crap out of me. I picked him up and carried him upstairs so that I could get a towel and apply pressure. Then I left DH to continue with the towel so that I could call the pediatrician and ask if we should go to the ER. He said yes, so we got our stuff together and headed to the hospital. By the time we got into the car his bleeding had mostly stopped and his crying had mostly stopped. He was a little sad because I made him leave his bubbles (which is what we used to get his mind off his lip), but he just sat in the car and sucked his thumb like nothing had happened.

Of course we sat at the ER forever. It took about four hours for him to get two little stitches in his lip. They did well with the stitches though so I'm glad we drove to the hospital that the ped recommended (30 min instead of the hospital that is 5 min away). DH stayed with Handsome while he was getting his stitches, but the nurses didn't let me stay. They "strongly encouraged" me to wait in the next room because they had too many mothers faint and get sick while watching their children get stitches. I heard him screaming in the next room, and was pretty glad I left. I knew DH was there and that made me feel better. When they finished they brought him out to me and his little face was all red and the tears had left their little salt pathways down his cheeks. He said Mommy like he had been broken and put his arms out for me to hold him. Oh, my poor baby.

And me, under pressure? TERRIBLE! After I put the compress on his little lip, DH took over, and I went to call the ped... I had to go stand outside. I got all sweaty and felt faint. I had to sit in the fresh air or I know I would have passed out. How terrible is that?! I never used to be like this. I loved watching the Health channel and people going through surgeries and I would be the calm one with other people's children. I don't know if I've lost my edge or if it's just really that different when it's your own child.

Anyway, DH is letting him sleep in late today since he needs to heal and he didn't get to bed till after midnight. When he gets up, DH is letting him watch as much Caillou as he wants so that there is at least one day with no running and risking hitting that lip again.

OH Lord, either make me stronger or give me fewer injuries to deal with... and I prefer the fewer injuries option.

When Handsome wakes up from a nap or something touches his lip, he points to his lip and says, "I fall!" It's heartbreaking.

So the day after Handsome turned two, he got a tick under his arm that DH had to pull out and I took to the doctor to make sure we didn't have to worry about lyme disease. The next day Handsome fell and busted his lip and needed stitches. The day after that he broke the bottom stitch and opened up the wound again. ... Can we go back to 1 again??

Twinkle, Twinkle...

2009-04-14T12:23:00.003-05:00

Handsome's favorite channel is PBS Sprout. He pretty much loves everything about the channel - including the Verizon commercial where the phone is also a calculator ("Phone?"), and the potty dance commercial where he dances along with them. He picks up the oddest things.

He likes the Play With Me Sesame show. The main characters are Grover, Ernie, Bert, Cookie Monster, and Prairie somethin-or-other. Occasionally Elmo makes an appearance, and I tell Handsome who Elmo is, but he didn't seem to pay attention. Then we went to Target the other day and I hear "ELMO!!" coming from my cart. He spotted Elmo and was SOO excited. I don't get it. He has Ernie and Cookie Monster at home, but they are apparently not on the same level as Elmo.

He also loves the Goodnight Show with Nina and Star. He gets so excited when he sees them. He even practices the sign language they teach and stretches when Nina is teaching yoga.

But the reason I mention Sprout, is they sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star every night. He LOVES it. I started singing it to him and he just wants me to sing it over and over and... well, you get the point. So last night before I put him to bed we knelt down and prayed, as always, and he says, "Amen. Amen." Then I sang Jesus Loves Me, as I sing every night to him. While I was singing Jesus Loves Me, I hear him singing "Tinka, Tinka, eh eh ah..." Apparently he's trying to hint to me to change my song. I put him to bed, and after I leave the room I hear on the monitor, "Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen...." And then after he has been in bed and quiet for lets say an hour, we hear on the monitor, "Tinka, Tinka, eh eh ah..." And then, after another hour or so of quiet, "Tinka, Tinka, eh eh ah..." Each time DH and I would crack up laughing which was loud enough for Handsome to hear so he would start laughing too.

I love that little boy. He makes me so happy.

Updates

2009-04-10T09:49:00.003-05:00

Wow, my poor neglected blog. I've had zero time to update this blog lately. So much has happened and now I feel like I've missed documenting most of it because I haven't written anything here. I do have pictures of most of everything, so at least there is that.

Handsome's language is doing MUCH better. He's got around 70 words that we can think of and he is learning something new everyday. About 60 of those words that we've written down are English and I know he has more Dagaare that DH just isn't remembering. He is even starting to put a couple words together to make the beginnings of sentences.

He has also gotten rid of a lot of his shyness. He'll give random people "fives" and even hugs. He's even playing with other little kids more. We went to a little Soccer Tot meetup and he found this one little boy that he decided was going to be his best friend. He kept following the little boy around and putting his hand on the boys shoulder. He kept wanting to hug him, but the other boy - who was three months younger than Handsome - wasn't too sure about it all. He did give Handsome a hug or two at his mother's request, but he just didn't want to share so much of his personal space. The funny thing is, about five minutes before Handsome started chasing him around, the other boy was watching Handsome and doing everything Handsome did but with about a 3 second delay so that Handsome didn't see that he was copying him. Too funny!

DH's school is not going quite as planned. We've had to delay everything by about a year and that has been really stressful. We are working through it and I know in the end everything will work out, it is just hard right now.

Handsome turns two in a month. *sniff, sniff* My little boy is growing up so fast! We bought him a slide for his birthday which I know he'll love. He's all about the slide on the playground. I have invited friends over to our house to celebrate. We thought about reserving a park bench somewhere, but found out that would be about $100, which seems outrageous to me, so we are stuffing as many people as we can into our tiny house. So far we have about 10 of Handsome's little friends coming and hopefully he'll be excited about them coming and not freak out about the number of people in his normally quiet and calm house. Singing Happy Birthday to him could be traumatic having that many eyes on him, but we'll see how he does. I wish my family and DH's family could be here, but it's just not possible right now. Maybe next year we'll go to either Texas or Ghana for his birthday. (Just dreaming here, folks. There is no way we could afford Ghana and DH will only have one week between semesters in school) I just hope Handsome actually gets to know, and can be close to, more of his family than DH and I.

I'll try to update more often, but I'm not optimistic. Work keeps getting busier and DH hogs the computer. ;)

Baby Chef

2009-03-10T23:20:00.003-05:00

Ok, quick updates because I have been slacking in keeping up my blog. Handsome will pick up books now and start talking pretending like he is reading it. And a couple weeks ago I made brownies and let Handsome do all the stirring. He did a really good job! I was expecting to have to clean the whole kitchen, but he did well.

DH has had a rough time lately. His classes didn't go so well. We're in the process of figuring out what to do next.

The banana song

2009-03-04T13:33:00.003-06:00

So I took Handsome to the post office and then to the grocery store this morning. I had to return the faulty dvr and then get bananas and diapers. We haven't had bananas in a few weeks because the last time I went to the grocery store they were out of bananas. What grocery store completely runs out of bananas? Anyway, he keeps pointing to the counter and asking, "Nana? Nana?" When I say we don't have any the fits begin. And, well, bananas are healthy, so I decided to make a special trip to get them.

When the bananas were in the cart he kept trying to reach back and get them. When we got into the car I told him he would get a banana as soon as we got home, so for the drive home he started singing "Nana nana nana" He made up his own little jig and it was the cutest thing I've heard! He's done the repeating thing, but this one was an actual song! Each "nana" had different notes and different loudness. My little singer. :)

Animal sounds

2009-03-03T09:12:00.003-06:00

Ok, this may be late for most kids, but with Handsome we are just getting here. Handsome knows animal sounds now and will actually say them!! It has taken forever, but he is finally starting to parrot sounds and try to speak. I think we are in the whole "word explosion" that people talk about.

What does a cow say?
"Cah?"
Yes, what does a cow say?
"MBooo!"
Teehee.

What does a sheep say?
"Ba-a-a-a" (he even does the pauses)
Teehee.

What does a dog say?
"Dah?"
Yes, what does a dog say?
"Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff.." (in rapid succession)
Teehee.

What does a cat say?
"Caa?"
Yes, what does a cat say?
"meow meow" (and then he laughs)
Teehee.

What does a duck say?
"Duh?"
Yes, what does a duck say?
"Cack!"
Teehee.

What does the monkey say?
"Who-who-who-who"
Teehee.

What does a pig say?
"AAAHHHH"
Hahahaha. I don't know why the pig just screams.

Focus on me

2009-03-02T14:18:00.003-06:00

I've let myself go. It's not a pretty picture. I don't wear makeup anymore. Half the time I don't put my contacts in - and I have HUGE glasses. I never lost the weight I gained from being pregnant so my clothes don't fit right. I bulge in all the wrong places. Gross, right? Well that's how I feel. I eat terribly and I never exercise. It's so hard to get the motivation to take care of myself when married and taking care of a toddler.

I have to lose what I've gained by August. That's my goal. I feel like total and utter crap. I have to fix that. I need to feel better both physically and emotionally.

So how do I reach this goal? How do I lose the weight and get healthy? Should I join the gym which is cheaper in the short run, but only for me and DH gets no benefit... well, no direct benefit. Or do I buy exercise equipment that is much more expensive in the short run, could be used by DH, and could just sit unused and gather dust? Should I try to do something like weight watchers or do I just count calories on my own? If you know me, you know I'm terrible at spending money. I hate it. I never know if I've made the right decision.

For Lent this year, I promised God that I would take better care of the body that he has given to me. I'm not even a week into the season and I'm already having difficulties with it. Sad, right?

I need an exercise buddy. I need there to be a woman that lives down the street that is in my situation and will exercise with me and motivate me to take better care of myself. If I lived in TX I would have friends that would do all of this with me. Too bad I live miles away.

So this is my starting point. I have to move forward starting now. I can't continue to go backwards.

Handsome and I have an appointment tonight with exercise. I do pushups with him climbing on my back and situps with him on my legs or on my belly. I do squats I have to make sure I don't sit on him.... and he thinks it's hilarious... for a while. He gets frustrated with me not paying attention to him after about 10 minutes. When I count out loud and play cartoons I can usually make it to 20 min without a meltdown.

Feeling left out

2009-02-16T14:23:00.004-06:00

Do you ever have those days? Those days where you feel left out? Like your friends don't seem to be as close to you as you thought they were? I've had several different groups of friends lately getting together without me there. It hurts. If it just happened once with one group of friends it wouldn't hurt so bad. But lately I can count at least four different groups, and it's getting to the point where I can't brush it off any more. It hurts. I know I'm mostly to blame as I don't have the car because DH has to go to school and where ever I go I pretty much have to take Handsome with me. But now I'm starting to wonder if it is more than that. Maybe it's just me. Maybe my personality has gone sour or maybe I just smell bad. So would anyone care to tell me why I suck?

Go Handsome, Go Handsome, Go Handsome

2009-02-10T09:55:00.003-06:00

So we went to the doctor today for his check-up. He weighted 27.7 pounds, and was 33 inches tall. Do you know what that means?!?! He is basically 50% for both height and weight!!! YAY!!! Height and weight match!! We told the doctor he knows between 15 and 20 words, and she said that he was just fine and right on schedule!! YAY!!!

Only bad part about the appointment? I was holding him so he wouldn't cry as much and he peed on me and my pants!! I had to go to work right after the appointment and I didn't bring an extra pair of pants for either me or him. So he went into the car sans pants and I prayed my pants dried quickly.

Oh, and there was this child who was three who came in after us. He was hysterical crying and wanting to leave. He had his pacifier in his mouth and was yelling at his mother to leave, that the doctor was going to hurt him. This boy looked more like he was five and he was pretty strong. She had to pick him up and leave her bag to take him back when the nurse came to get him. Wow. I really hope Handsome never fears the doctor THAT much. Handsome cries when the doctor starts sticking him and when I can't hold him, but he's at least fine in the waiting room.

New Wave

2009-02-08T19:31:00.000-06:00

Handsome has started waving the Ghana wave. He waves hello now and not just goodbye. DH let me sleep in this morning and when I came downstairs Owen was laughing and waving to me. Nothing better to wake up to.

New words:
Dog - Dah
Cold - Coh (not sure if I wrote this one before)

The temperature was up enough today to go outside and play. I love warm weather. Handsome played in his sandbox and we walked down to the little park and played on the swingset. Did I mention I love warm weather?

Yesterday we went to see a Ugandan man who performs his local songs and dances. Handsome actually paid attention the whole time. And a majority of the children there were actually mixed kids. Handsome sat on my lap almost the whole time until the end and he started dancing.

My tv? It's dying. Everything turns green in waves. I can't afford a new tv.

Sorry for the choppiness. I have to let Dh have the computer back quickly, so I just wanted to update quickly.

A boy

2009-01-30T17:46:00.001-06:00

My son thinks it's funny to fart.